Would you say i have some sort of mental illness?
I’m 20 years old now and I spend a lot of time alone. I’m in my house almost 24/7. I don’t have a job, I’m too scared to drive, and I don’t have any friends. I’m sometimes reluctant to even leave my room, but ever since we got a dog I have to look after him, and to be frank he’s done me a lot more harm than good. I spend most days sleeping, and most nights thinking about life and death and all sorts of uncomfortable subjects.
I don’t feel that close to most of my family members. I don’t interact with them much, mainly because they’re gone most of the time. Being the youngest I feel like I’m always bottom priority, and I’m scared to bring up any problems because I fear I’ll get made fun of or yelled at (mostly by my sisters, my mom is sympathetic, but she doesn’t quite understand how my mind works).
I know it’s probably not a fair comparison, but I often hear people say how prisoners have a lot of time to think, and while my conditions are nowhere near that bad, I know what it’s like to feel trapped in an enclosed space with nothing to do but think, and to do the exact same things over and over again with little to no change. In fact, there’s been times where I wished I could be in prison, since at least then you get free food and healthcare. I’m THAT scared of being independent!
Sometimes I blame my mom. I know she has the best intentions, but she never really pushed me to try anything, and just sort of let me be lazy. She also has a very pessimistic personality, and sometimes I just wish I’d never been born. Not just for my sake but hers as well, she clearly hates being a parent, regardless of what she tells me.
I sometimes feel like I can do better, but it just seems so unrealistic. I sometimes wonder “why even try? This is about as easy it can get. It might just be simpler to stay home and never live on my own. I’ll probably never be able to anyway.”