Why would a man do this?

54% Normal
17 Comments

My long-term partner (nearly a decade) says he wants a deep relationship and we talk about childhood, events as young adults, our friends then and now and many other things. He is very literate when looking at relationships. But he selectively leaves out any information whatsoever about past girlfriends to the point of saying "I" about an event when previously, he has said "we."

This does not feel right because it means I have to leave out great chunks of my life in relating. This is not true depth and intimacy like this, nothing can deepen- and actually hasn't for ages now- because I have to constantly avoid going anywhere near the subject about my or his past relationships when normally, it might be touched upon in conversation, even just casually mentioned in any context of everyday life. This is not digging up the past, but about knowing a person deeply.

I would love us to share about how various past relationships have shaped us (I DON'T want to know about the sex or even names). I can't see myself staying because it can go nowhere with such "secrets." After all, intimacy is all about sharing deep, personal information, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings.

Why would he deliberately leave out such things and spoil our relationship like this?

Voting Results
54% Normal
Based on 39 votes (21 yes)
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Comments ( 17 )
  • Short4Words
    10 years ago

    Have you told him this?

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    No matter how intense or committed a relationship, I don't believe that it is the right of either partner to demand that the other have no privacy.
    If your partner does not wish to share parts of his life with you, that were before you met, that is his right and privilege and you should not make an issue of it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or trust you, it only means there are things in his past life that he does not wish to share with you, at this time.
    I have never spoken to either of my wives, my children or any of my girlfriends about my experiences in Vietnam, for instance.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      As I said, I am not wanting every last detail and I am not demanding either. I am not up for interrogating him and I do not regard it as such anyway.

      There are ways of discussing things that preserve privacy and give personal space without leaving huge chunks out of one's life. His renditions of experiences with friends are not filled with every detail and I don't ask for it or even wish it.

      I think there is a massive difference anyway between being private about your experiences in Vietnam and how one lives with personal relationships.

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  • Unimportant
    10 years ago

    Maybe, just maybe, he thinks that his past relationships are non of your business?

    There was a poll here about this, and a lot of people seemed to believe that past relationships shouldn't be an issue in a new one.

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  • Evenios
    10 years ago

    in any relatonship honestly is key. I think if you really love someone and you are in a long term relatonship you shoudnt hide anything from them, now if he says something like he was a total jerk in the past thats diffrent. sometimes people change. but he still should be willing to talka bout it.

    id worry a bit. he may be hiding something from you. he may still be seeing someone in his past and thats why he doesnt want to talka bout it.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I certainly know he isn't seeing anyone because his job takes care of that one!

      But I totally agree that intimate relationship means that you can talk about almost anything. We've all been jerks at times and to be able to share this, laugh and squirm about it together and see that we are so different from then is, I think, a part of the intimacy aspect. As I said, I don't care for details about sex etc but the rest should be easy enough to share if an individual values depth and honesty in a relationship.

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  • Sinep
    10 years ago

    He just wants to forget it, he might have done things he regret in life.. and some regrets are too hard in life to carry that you'll (He) have to forget it to move on.

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  • DiamondGirl
    10 years ago

    He's a vampire!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I already know that!

      So if he will let me know that much, why not about the other stuff precisely because he maintains deepening intimacy is most important to him?

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    when u open up he might too , in time

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Unfortunately, it hasn't worked that way! I have done so in a safe manner about one relationship and he just did not pick up the ball and stayed with his idea that I had some character flaw!

      The irony is I have had male friends who know more than he and I do about each other in this way and none of my past boyfriends had any problems over it; and in no case was it in graphic detail.

      I don't think his retentiveness on it is right at all and it is shutting me down bigtime!

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      • peterr
        10 years ago

        Has he ever told you about his sexual experiences with men?

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  • RoseIsabella
    10 years ago

    Obviously he's got something to hide.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    This is very normal. Some people just don't like to talk about those things and will even feel bothered if you pressure them to talk about things they don't want to.

    I have an ex girlfriend who was very secretive. I wasn't sure what her last name was until dating her for a year. This went as far as her using fake last names on her mail. She just didn't like people knowing anything personal. Some people are like this.

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  • jeebley
    10 years ago

    You know how in some cultures they don't mention the names of the dead, I think its a little bit like that.
    You're probably all he really wants to think about and doesn't want to recognise that he ever was with anyone else. He might also assume that you don't really want to hear anything about his past relationships either.
    You should ask him.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I have asked him and he turns it around as if it is some character flaw on my part to ask! Yet he can talk in detail about his childhood, his friends, the relationship issues around a current friend.

      This just chunks a whole lot of his and my experiences that have been important for our development. Besides, intimacy should mean the freedom to talk about virtually anything. This feels like lying by omission. And you know, I don't even want to know about the sex, names, conflict etc, etc; I'm just interested in his learning path and would like to share mine with him too. Otherwise, it's not true intimacy in my reckoning. and I have never known anyone else to be like this about it- particularly in middle age as we are!!!

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        He might have had a negative experience in the past about sharing that sort of information and feels you two would have a better relationship if it were left out.

        Like you, I'm into sharing (discreetly) my experiences from past relationships and visa versa, but not all of my boyfriends have been up for it. On the other hand, I had one boyfriend who shared so much, it (secretly) made me feel a bit inadequate at times, like I could never live up to the glory of his previous girlfriend(s). He always talked about them and even wrote a story about his most recent ex on his blog, yet he never did the same for me, so I felt a bit unworthy despite his professed love for me. I wouldn't have minded knowing about those past relationships in a general way, but not in a way that made them seem like big shoes to fill.

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