Why won't anybody love me?

7 Comments

(I'm having a hell of a hard time wording this so I ask of you, stranger, on whose kindness I depend today, to please bear with me.)

I don't mean to play victim. I've been truly loved by one man in my life. Unfortunately I was unable to love him back at the time. It was unconditional love he offered and he saw in me things I could not see.

I've fallen in love many times and several men and women have fallen for me. However, in my mind, none have loved me. I don't know for sure whether I have loved them or not. I think I do not know what love is. I just had the strangest physical reaction, visceral really, to that realization.

The very moment I thought it, I got this sudden weakness on my legs, all my back muscles tensed up, my breathing went out of control - I had never experienced anything like this. I don't even know what it is. As if there were something blocking the airways, making me breathe through my mouth and closing up on my throat, air barely passing, making a loud raspy noise.

I was torn between feeling like I had to cry and trying to breathe. I had to do some of the former to be able to do the latter. Both at the same time. I literally had to stop on the street, afraid I would collapse. Oh, the shame. I felt like a child. 

I thought of my mother and father. I can't tell if I love them either and have  my suspicions that I've been craving their love all my life.

Now my legs are tingly and I feel faint.

It hit me hard. Is this my reason to be? Learn love? Won't I ever know what love is? Is this my lesson in this senseless existence?

"No one will ever love me."
"I will never love anyone."

For a couple of minutes I was pure emotion. It really hurt, because I really want to know what it is, but I feel doomed to a loveless life. I keep trying, but I fail every time. I start out in love with someone and end up hurt or hurting by my own actions and emotions along the way. What's wrong with me? Why can't I truly love anyone? Why won't anybody love me? 

I honestly don't know what I want with this post. I suppose I just want to hear from someone who believes they know what love is to tell me that it's not an urban legend, that it's possible. Even for some hopeless fuck-up like me. Or not.

I have no answer. 23
I'll try a witty remark. 6
I will contribute to the best of my knowledge. 14
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Comments ( 7 )
  • q25t
    11 years ago

    I go through the same every few months. It was an isolated incident where you felt utterly unloved and unloving?

    If you only feel that way on occasion then I suppose you could take solace in that fact itself. If you're fine most of the time, then it can't be that bad.

    If you feel that way all the time, however, I have no advice for you, I'm afraid.

    If you're looking for a definition of love, I can give it a shot, although I have no experience at all.

    Love is by some definitions an emotion, and by others it is a choice. Love as an emotion I believe is a compulsion to be with someone through better or worse. As a choice, it is the decision to stay with them.

    Your parents and family are with you. You have support from them. You'll be fine.

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  • Terence_the_viking
    11 years ago

    Don't give up.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Well, there are different forms of love. I take it you mainly mean true love with a partner, with a happily ever after ending. Those couples you see or hear about who have been together most of their lives and are still happily married.

    Before I start typing this is just a theory, not even that more of a pondering thought, and I wouldn't really take it to heart. It's all based on my experiences and my life so it could only be the truth for me and not anyone else. It's honestly rather silly and I'm just thinking it as I go but maybe you'll see something of worth in it.

    I think we hurt people we love when the time has come for the relationship to end and we cling on to the past (among other things). Everything come to an end. This love I'm talking about isn't what I'd call 'true' love but a love that helps you (and the other) grow until one day you don't need each other in that romantic love way. What I think is some people come into our lives to help us grow and/or bring us through a difficult time. This can be mistaken for 'true' love or 'the one' when really it's just a different type of love. Like we love our close friends differently than our family differently than our passions in life. This is not always.

    There are a lot of faults in what I just said. What about people who believe they are in love and it seems to be true but they find out their partner has been cheating on them. Was it all a lie? Is there really someone out there who will love you and only you till the day they die and vise versa? I believe so. I also believe humans have many faults. I think we become selfish at times and want to know more than what's really out there when it's right here. I think we doubt ourselves and end up losing out on something that could have been. I think we don't listen to our instincts enough. I think fears hold us back. I think trauma warps our mind and can cloud our judgements and feelings. I think we try so hard to find love or to force true love that we stifle it from coming to us naturally.

    I think true love is real but you need two individuals who are content with the idea that they will never truely find the answers and don't sit there pondering this is love or that was love. They live to live and love to love, nothing more and nothing less.

    Don't think about it, just be it.

    I know I may have just made up a bunch of bullshit nonsense but I really wanted to reply to you.
    I'm a little embarrassed now. I don't usually like writing how I feel about things because I don't really know how I feel about things, but I'll post this before I chicken out.

    Can I ask you why you couldn't love the man you mentioned in the beginning?

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  • ChaoticBunny
    10 years ago

    I'm sorry you feel that way, I really am. I had a friend that felt the same way. He's been through a lot too. He has a son with leukemia and his ex forbidded him from seeing his son in hospital. He started doing drugs and he even attempted suicide a couple of times and ended up in hospital :-( I didn't know what else to do but be there for him and support him through all this the best I can. I'm here for you if you need a friend or someone to talk to.

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  • princessjane
    11 years ago

    dont feel so sad. your parents love you, GOD loves you and he will always love you. always pray dont be afraid to talk to him, pray to him. he is always there for you

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  • dappled
    11 years ago

    Sometimes there are things I can't answer here. This is one of them. I hope someone else gives you an answer, though.

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  • kelili
    11 years ago

    I won't propose any advise because I have a friend who used to be exactly like that and she was just craving for attention by acting as if she was the most unlucky person on the planet

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