Why do i have no real emotions?
Ever since I was a little kid I've sensed that I'm a lot different from other kids my age.
I don't feel the same emotions they do,or hardly any at all in fact.Yeah I know that sounds weird but I promise it's the truth.
I know some kids are desensitized if they have a traumatic childhood,but for me that definitely ain't the case.
I've got a mom and dad that say they love me very much,even though I can't really understand what I feel for them honestly.
Apparently I've been like this ever since I was young according to what mom says.Still she tries to play it off as just being a angst driven child/teenager.She thinks that I will outgrow the drama,but I have the feeling somehow that this will not happen.Maybe I'm just being pessimistic I dunno'.
I don't remember it but she says that when I was 2 I pushed one of my frequent playmates down the stairs and landed him in the emergency room over a toy.
He had to get 9 stitches from where he cut his head open on the stair.They said that when he fell I just acted like nothing had happened and kept playing with the toy I had stole from him.
Also I've been told about something else I did at age 4.We had a house broken Chihuahua that had a litter of 5 pups,that we kept in a corner of the bathroom in a basket.
I had just finished my bath and my mom went off to talk on the phone after telling me to dry myself.
When she came back 5 minutes later she found that I had drowned two of the puppies by putting them in the bath and holding their heads under.She was horrified but apparently neither what i did or her shouting fazed me at all.
I don't remember any of those memories, but I do recall how hard it was to fit in when i first went to school.
When people started laughing because they were happy or crying because they were upset I just didn't understand it.Because to be honest I never felt like doing either of these,even when I was much smaller.
After being pushed around for several years I finally was able to blend in better around 3rd grade.I was a smart kid even back then, and I've got a 3.8 GPA at this moment.
I finally gave up on feeling anything and decided that the only way to get relief was to study and copy the other kids emotions and body language.From the 5th grade and on It's become second nature to me,even though I still feel nothing but emptiness.
In my first year of high school nothing has changed.I'm easily able to talk and communicate with the other students,and still fake their own mannerisms.
But unlike them I feel absolutely no desire to
unwind by socializing or partying.I have no need to have a girlfriend that will drain my personal time,although a lay here and there is a nice thing.
No...I prefer to spend my valuable time bettering myself by learning as much information to get ahead as I can.After high school is the real life and it's a dog eat dog world where you have to be cunning to stay on top of things.