What went wrong? my hopeless story

For 18 years I have wondering what my answers to my meaning life and dreams?

my life, I have surviving my illness where things I seen aren't there. So what if I told u that I was once a Christian, so in 6 grade I had crush that I fell in loved, she and i became friends through 8 grade so we congratulate as we stand beside each other, Happy that we made it. this is where I pray that I wanted spent rest of my life with her, we both had fun in high school. We went on field trips, play videos games, we get along very well, we go around lunchtime in high school and didn't mind sit with each other. So we passed high school, so i asked her out on date, turns out the date didn't worked out the way I wanted " damnit!!" So I looked at moon light along with clouds, I asked " why father! What happened to my dream and that prayer?" So that when I stopped being Christian. I waited so long for looking forward of complete my dream. Those days I have with her, what happened is that she ignore our dated that we both agree on, after that night I even sent her text message of asking why? She told me she wanted relationship for so long. She been in dates before. She says she going college for four years. For me? Felt like she didn't have feelings for me.

So the problem wasn't my Love life? It was religion. ( I know it's ridiculous I'm being honest ) so why religion the problem, i lived with Christian family, my moms paranoid, my family members ( some bash me with judge by saying I worship the devil). To be honest. I really don't worship satan or any gods.

So I have to fight Christian, so far I notice that they bash people, judge for no reason, even they do that to other Christians as well. So I have to turn anti religious to make my life better because I wanted live normal life. It's not normal when I have disability/ mental disorders/ loss twin/ loss hearing ( I wear hearing aids) So I had argument with my family that I wanted to move out since I'm 18, and what happened next? They threatened me by calling police if I ran away from home. Like what the fuck!! I'm 18 years old and I'm mental ill and disabilty.

So couples months I'm stuck and hopeless that they think I need help from so call Jesus. So it's madness I driven into insane and I have no where to go.

U can't go no where without telling your parents where u going, even go on dates or anything. U can say I did try suicide behind their backs.

So tell me? What went wrong. I don't have dad but mother and family, that family was extremely religious, so my biggest dream was married my crush, it was shatter, I lost interest in life, because there assholes around world, I was told to die by haters, was not funny!!

So what I wanted live normal life for now, I wanted changed my life by transgender because my loss twin sister. So what can I do.