What is my problem here?

33% Normal
9 Comments

Before I begin I would like to say this is a very serious matter and I would really appreciate some feedback/help regarding this matter, because I am a human being like you, and our species have been known to be in dire need of empathy and sympathy in order to maintain a healthy living... So don't start bagging me out.

Facts of the story:

I am a 24 year old male with really loving siblings and parents. I was molested twice (although no INTERCOURSE, google it.. but rather the use of hands and mouth and the feeling of touch) by two different cousins with different genders. The girl molested me at 8 years old and she is about 5 years older than me. The guy molested me at 10 years old and he is about 4 years older than me. They are both from different sides of the family.

I would rather not recall the stories in detail here as I am a quite private individual.

My first problem is, I have never told anyone of these stories, and I am pretty sure both cousins do remember what happened,
I was always known to be a forever smiling kind-hearted child who was obsessed with animals, and I had all kinds of pets, therefore I never really told anyone what happened.. I can really keep secrets, still do..
The point is I never let these problems get to me or trouble me, I just kept doing what I did, but now that i'm older, I realise it's impossible that it hadn't affected me somehow, even just a little!

My life now is as follows:

Second, I am really social, but only because I just have too much pride and ego in myself, to be left alone! It is not funny, it affects my relationships and my lifestyle and my often confidence. Lets just say my pride overcomes my confidence sometimes. I wake up one day wanting to be surrounded by people and enjoying my time with them, and the next I feel like one small mistake triggers this volcano inside of me. I have been told many times by people, including parents, family, and teachers, that I am extremely moody.. and I know it, but I really can't control it. I feel like it is consuming me, but I still don't let it affect me as I have always had power

A profound psychiatrist earlier this year identified my mental issue as Cluster B personality disorder, and even after identifying the problem, I still don't know whats making me so moody all the time? (fact: I haven't told him about being molested, and I won't so don't try.. Why do you think I'm behind a screen typing it instead?)

As you might have spotted from the previous paragraph, I have issues with speaking about my emotions to people. I have so many fears and so many troubles, but I always anticipate the brighter day beyond the storm. I will name a few to help clarify..

1. It took me 1 hour and 49 minutes to write this.. I can not concentrate on anything for more than 15 seconds, and my thoughts are flying so fast in my head, and I am interested in all of them, but I can barely keep one!!

2. I am really confused with who I am, i feel like I don't know myself because whenever I meet a 3-10 year older person, I feel really anxious and as a self-defence mechanism, my body becomes timid and I puff up my chest, expecting to be insulted, so that I cant retaliate??????

3. I was always innocent in front of my parents, but I got into a LOT of trouble in school.. by that I mean that I always got into fights, but I never picked a fight. I was very popular all through school as my uncle basically owns it (private school). My fights usually start because I take a fight instead of a friend, or I just felt really insulted that day, and I just bash them... many of my teachers never believed in me, and thought I was dumb.

4. I have a very bad temper, and it really comes unexpectedly.. Sometimes a stranger looks at me weirdly, and I just feel aggressive for the next 12 hours..........

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33% Normal
Based on 15 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • mystery7
    8 years ago

    If you don't expose this stuff to the light of day it will continue to affect your life in a negative way. Talk to your therapist about it or find a one you can trust.

    Once you get this stuff out of you and confront it will gradually cease to have the same power over you. I'm speaking from experience here and had some really awful stuff happen to me as a kid but got it all out in therapy 25 years later.

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    • likeseriouslythough
      8 years ago

      Correct ..

      another issue though is the one where the "voice" in my brain ( I am not psychotic, but I think you know what I mean by it ) starts to interfere with my thoughts and convince me that it is not that serious

      basically a main difficulty for me is the fact that I change everyday.. I do not change my identity, but my personality changes based on my moods I think.. and anything can tick me, therefore from the back of my head, 75% of everyday is like an emotional roller coaster, and I convince myself its normal, thats life

      very tiring

      i dont know

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      • mystery7
        8 years ago

        Well my friend, that sounds very much how I used to be. For what you have suffered your behaviour and mood swings sounds 'normal'. I used to have such massive mood swings and I was so angry it scared me into going to therapy. I highly recommend finding a good therapist you can trust and work with. Once you let all that crap see the light of day it slowly gets better. It doesn't instantly change, it takes time. I see it as like a tree growing, it's slow but eventually it turns into a big and strong tree. If I didn't get myself off to therapy years ago I don't know where I'd be now - maybe dead or in jail.

        Good luck and hang in there.

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        • likeseriouslythough
          8 years ago

          I truly thank you for actually giving time to say these things

          How did you find your therapist, and how could you tell you can trust him??

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          • mystery7
            8 years ago

            I wen to a number of therapists over the space of maybe 8 years. I worked with a number of different people from pyschotherapy, a counsellor who specialized in the kind of abuse I experienced ( one of her methods was getting me to write about all my experiences abused as a kid), through to a a therapy called breathwork/rebirthing. They were all good in their own way. Just research someone that you think will fully understand your issues and weed out the ones that don't work for you.

            For you, someone who specializes in working with adult survivors of child sexual abuse?

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  • flyingnostalgia
    8 years ago

    I see that you get angry.

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    • likeseriouslythough
      8 years ago

      how could you tell if I may ask?

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  • LittleGirlBrutallySodomized
    8 years ago

    You pretty much described me except for the racing thoughts. I benefit from taking the occasional benzodiazpine Xanax, Adivan, Valium etc.

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    • likeseriouslythough
      8 years ago

      in my case Xanax was quite good for the duration of its half life, but then I became very drowsy, which affected my studies.. Then it got banned where i'm from because they classified it as a class A drug!

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