Was i sexually harassed? was my situation normal?

Okay, well, for some reason, this is a bit hard to write about. I'll try to be quick and to the point (don't count on it- I ramble).

When I was little, my (also) female cousin (she's only about one to three years older) would often lift up her shorts and show me her... coochie. I was really young at the time (around four to six years old? Can't remember much), and I would just giggle secretively as if it was common mischief (was it?).

She would say, "*My name*, look." and do it while smiling knowingly at me. We'd giggle, and go back to playing whatever it was we were playing. Sometimes, she'd be like, "Show me yours." I don't remember if I did, but I remember the last time I was really embarrassed and refused. I opted to show her my butt instead (and I did. I suppose it was a trade off), but she shook her head and demanded I show her mine. We tussled for a bit (laughing and shrieking), and I think (though I don't remember) I managed to keep myself covered. I remember casually mentioning something about it to my mom, and she completely freaked out (she was sexually abused as a child).

After that, she wouldn't let me play with my cousin anymore (which I was upset about. I didn't know why she was so freaked out, and pleaded with her not to do anything. I don't think she listened (like I said, I can't remember much)), and, the next time I saw my cousin, she was in all black and had this sort of "emo/goth" vibe (that was years later, and she's still like that today). I felt really guilty because I thought maybe it was my fault she was like that. She used to be kind of bubbly and happy when we were kids.

I never really thought much of it as a kid, but, as I got older, I started to think more and more about it. Now, I can hardly go a day without dwelling over it, turning it over in my head, wondering if that was a bad thing or I'm just being a little sensitive teenager (I'm still technically a teen- 18). Actually, a whole bunch of weird things happened to me as a kid with my cousins (and not cousins).

Like, one of my cousins and I were playing on a moon jump, and he sort of straddled me while we were wrestling, holding me rather tightly. I think he got aroused. He apologized profusely about it afterwards, and I reassured him that he did nothing wrong. I mean, we were nine, ten years old. I just pretended not to have thought anything of it since I didn't want to be awkward with him.

Another one of my cousins (on a different side of my family) had always been rather... touchy with me. I tried really hard not to notice and be cool. When we were kids (around the same age as I was with my female cousin, 4-6 years old. He's older by a couple of years.) he wanted to play house. I kind of knew where it was going, and opted we be brother and sister, but he refused. He wanted to be husband and wife. So... he made a makeshift house with the blankets. He then said something about husband and wives having to kiss, and I don't really remember much after that except him all over my face with his. He told me to open my mouth like real couples, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was terrified his mother would walk in and misunderstand or something. In the end, I managed to convince him to let us play another game. Now that he's older, he's rather normal. Except, a couple years ago he was accused by another one of our cousins of trying to rape (or raping) her... Supposedly, it occurred during a theme park trip... I was sharing a bed with them (I must be a heavy sleeper or something). The accusing cousin, though, is known for lying and exaggerating the truth. It's confusing.

Then there's my ex-neighbor. He was always, quite literally, trying to get in my pants. He was constantly touching me (this was when we were older, 11-13, and he was going through puberty, I think), and even went so far one time as to put his hand down my pants. I was super embarrassed, and quickly stopped him. He pleaded with me, but I was strong in my refusal. Then I convinced him that we go outside and play.

So yeah, those are the weird times I remember. I was searching it up, and I read that kids experimenting with kids is normal and kind of innocent. I wonder of that's what happened with me?

Sometimes, I think I imagined some of those since I can't remember them too well. I was wondering if these things were normal. I also came upon an article that said you can have been sexually abused and not remember it. I had some of the signs, but I'm pretty sure I was never outright abused. One of the signs was being incapable of trust. I've never, not even on my first day of preschool when I learned the meaning of friends (which was before the whole cousin incident), trusted anybody.

Am I over thinking this? Just a drama queen? A lot of people have actually been abused. I can't bring myself to tell my friends or family about this, so I'll trust complete strangers. I just want a second opinion. Was all this normal? I always thought I was just a victim of their puberty.