Very complicated - please help :(

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Hey guys,

I’m going to try and keep this as simple as possible – I could really use some decent advice and help. I’ll admit well in advance… I’m the biggest FOOL out there, seriously. God.

Ok so I’ve been married for Tom (not his real name of course) 2 years and a bit. My partner started to become abusive physically and verbally roughly about a week after we got married. I won’t go into the intricate details as I want to keep the post as short as possible. It went on for years and I have been very depressed and unhappy - always wanted to leave but somehow felt very stuck and did not know what to do. My parents come visit quite often and have picked up on my unhappiness. 6 months ago, I gave birth to our baby girl. I love my baby so much and will never ever abandon her – but I regret my life more than ever and feel like the biggest moron on this planet because I had the chance to leave before I got pregnant but was too much of a wimp now it’s far more complicated.

He has continued to be abusive and after having the baby it seemed to have gotten worse. Whilst my mum was here for 3 weeks (I told him I wanted her here longer as I feel everyone needs their Mum’s advice, guidance and most of all support after giving birth) but he refused and said no 3 weeks is more than enough. So, we compromised at that even though I was deeply hurt. Please keep in mind that I come from a catholic background however in order to unfortunately marry this guy I had to convert to Islam – He didn’t force me btw … I guess he guided me? – anyway back then I didn’t have an issue with it, I was young – you can say dumb? – depending on your beliefs but that’s what I did.

I will go more into details of certain events as this is what has mostly caused my anxiety and uncertainty – stupidly again not the abuse. The biggest thing in my story is that I never had a problem with Tom’s mother till I got pregnant. I suddenly became very anxious and protective over my unborn child. She comes off as a very pushy and disrespectful person in my opinion. I made it clear to her and her Tom that I didn’t want her in the delivery room but she kept asking if I needed her assistance since my Mum’s flight was delayed as my mum was meant come in with me as well as Tom of course. I said no, it’s fine. After I gave birth I was in hospital for over a week and when I finally got home – 1. Not even 10minutes into my arrival at home Tom had to open his fat foul mouth and tell my mum he does not want her praying around his child – I personally found that very disrespectful because first off, she wasn’t praying, her bible just happened to be on the bed while she was admiring the baby and second – even if she was, so WHAT !?!?!? she’s not doing anything satanic for God’s sake! Anyway, my Mum was very hurt of course but didn’t put up any argument or discussion for my sake but the 3 weeks she was here were meant to be enjoyable for all of us but it was the worst. It was so awkward for me - I was mentally and emotionally drained.

I felt so disappointed and hurt. Anyway a few minutes later Tom’s mother casually messages and says they’re on their way, not even asking if its’ a good time to come, have we settled etc. no, she said she’s on the way. WHO IN THE WORLD DOES THAT!?!?!?! She’s so rude and has no respect – seriously.

That was the start of my anxiety like I mentioned before – not Tom’s abusive behavior but his mother. She not only infuriates me with her stupid comments here and there but she gives me severe anxiety. Every time she carries or interacts with my child I feel uncomfortable, awkward and anxious. She would come here and hog my child for hours, when the baby is breastfeeding she’ll make comments like “oh she’s breastfeeding again? – my god. “there have been several occasions where she has literally come up to me and tried to take the child off my breasts (that made me feel so sad and I hate confrontation so I never really said anything - stupid me) Now I just feel anger and resentment towards her more than ever. On another occasion when the baby was only a few weeks old my mum had already flown back home so we went to visit his parents and this woman’s friends came over – she completely dismissed me as the mother of my child ( or so that’s how I felt ) while the baby was sleeping in a little basinet just scooped her up without asking for my permission and went off speaking in her language . That once again made me feel so angry , bitter and disrespected. I have also found messages and yes I shouldn't do that I know but I'll be honest - have found messages her to Tom asking why my parents are always here – that was also very hurtful because she knows how close I am to my family, my mum especially so what is it to her? I can tell she’s jealous that my mum gets a lot of opportunities with the baby , well too bad. If she didn’t treat me or act the way she does maybe I’d include her more. when she messages me to ask for a photo or update of the baby she'll always make comments like oh she looks sad, or she'll keep giving me unsolicited advise about baby food or the Childs safety.

OK so this is the catch - cops and court got involved and my husband has been excluded from our place , its been 3 months but we are still in contact. he wants to work things out but I genuinely can't stand his mother anymore. I have actually grown to hate her , I hate how she's so disrespectful and that I haven't been able to tell her to back off. Perhaps I'm being overly sensitive? But I'm constantly thinking about her even when I was pregnant. Its very toxic for me and I cannot get through a day without replaying everything in my head. I want to move forward and I don't want her to make me feel this way but I can't help but feel insecure and anxious every time she messages me? thank GOD for lockdown. I dint' have to see her. I want to leave my partner but I have mixed feelings. I feel more affected by his mother than I do about all the abuse. in all, I do feel affected by everything and my life a huge mess - but that woman bothers me the most - I can't stand her and I wish she'd move far away.

I know my story is all over the place despite my attempt to keep it short and concise but I'm really hoping for some clear and valuable advise from everyone but what should I do?

Thank you so much for all your time and advise in advance :)

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Comments ( 13 )
  • CrHazardous
    3 years ago

    Basis of this. Your not happy. After lockdown. Take the baby and run. Be happy

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  • Whatintarnation
    3 years ago

    I don't know a ton about Islam but from what I've gathered it seems to be a male dominated religion that likes to put women in their place. So if you stick with this guy, you're gonna have to just get used to being treated like crap. Is that what you want for your child? To grow up in that kind of household? If you are being physically abused, document it well. Take pictures. Build a case. Take your child and go for full custody. You made a mistake. It happens. Don't keep subjecting both you and your child to that life. Best of luck

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  • miealone
    3 years ago

    You dont have to be afraid to leave. You got your parents who love you and will support your decision. You got your baby too and don't let her grow up in an abusive treatment. That's the best thing you can do for your baby if not for yourself.

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    • Pumpkinface
      3 years ago

      Thank you for that . I think I’m
      More afraid of the custody battle than anything ?

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      • Boojum
        3 years ago

        That's a reasonable concern, but it's some way down the line. Don't let that worry become an excuse for doing nothing.

        I assume you live in a country where fathers aren't considered the legal owners of their children. If you live in a civilised place, you're capable of caring for your baby well and you have the resources to provide for her physical needs, then custody shouldn't be a huge problem.

        When your daughter is older, her father might decide that he wants to see more of her, so there could be disputes about visitation rights and maybe even joint-custody, but those things are a bridge to be crossed when you get to them.

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  • CDmale4fem
    3 years ago

    I will say this and remember this "ONCE AN ASSHOLE ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE" If you let him back in the house you thi k he will get better ? Shit hes gonna be pissed that he had to be gone out of the house. And if you had to convert to islam, look how the men in the middle wast treat women. They are not a woman, they are a thing, a posession. They have no identity, no self expression. I would say if you were my daughter - pack your stuff and run, nowas fast and as far as you can. An abuser will not stop. Thats about power and control. His mom has free run as she wishes and your mom has to go home when he wants her to. Excuse the expression but FUCK THAT. You need to go hide out and let him find another whipping post. It will not end in a good way, i can almost promise you that. Listen to that womens intuition. Thats the strongest voice you have. You just need to listen to it.

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  • --
    3 years ago

    You made this bed, now sleep in it

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  • Boojum
    3 years ago

    So your husband is physically and emotionally abusive, he appears to have manipulated you into joining his misogynistic religion and he's hostile to your family, but you'd be willing to suck all that up if only his mother wasn't so opinionated and pushy in her efforts to be involved with her grandchild?

    You're right: your current life is a huge mess, but it sounds to me like you're deflecting a lot of the justified anger and resentment you feel because of your husband's behaviour on to his mother. Do you seriously believe that if your mother-in-law dropped dead this evening, then everything in your marriage would be wonderful and you and the asshole with the carpet-burn on his forehead would live happily ever after?

    You need to face the fact that you fucked up when you married the guy and you did it again when you got pregnant with his child. Don't feel too bad about this; virtually everyone screws up in one way or another when they're young. The important thing is being brave enough to acknowledge that we've messed up, and then start taking some concrete steps to get back on track and moving forward in a positive direction again.

    From what you say, it sounds like your parents are supportive and you appear to have a positive relationship with your mother, so at least you're not utterly alone in the world apart from your obnoxious husband and your infant child. I imagine it would be a blow to your ego to admit to your parents that you blew it and ask for their help in extracting you from this situation, but it sounds like that might be your best choice right now.

    Having said all that, I do have to wonder if you might not have been a little harsh on your m-i-l. Lots of young mothers are very sensitive to any suggestion that they're not doing the job right (not least because they usually aren't sure if they are), and it sounds like your m-i-l comes from a culture where mothers-in-law are supposed to behave towards daughters-in-law and their grandchildren exactly as she has done.

    I understand how you might take her saying that the baby looks sad as a personal insult and implied criticism that you're not capable of making your child happy, but you don't have to do that. Instead, you could just acknowledge that what she says is nothing more than her opinion, tell yourself that it has no validity and move on. None of us can control what others say and do; the only thing we can control is how we respond to that.

    You're not the only young mother who has received unsolicited advice and implied or explicit criticism from her mother-in-law, and nor are you the first person to have found it extremely annoying. My mother-in-law often came out with the same sort of crap when our daughter was small, and it drove my wife up the wall. I let it slide for a while, but eventually I told my m-i-l that she was full of shit, that everything I'd heard from my wife about her childhood made me sure she hadn't been a wonderful mother, and that she should keep her mouth shut until she was asked for advice or an opinion. Twelve years on, our daughter is very healthy, happy and well-adjusted, but it's clear that my m-i-l and I will never be friends. That's a tiny bit unfortunate, but the crucial thing is that she's very aware that there are boundaries that she crosses at her peril.

    Clearly, your husband doesn't have the guts to stand up for you in that way, and it's unfortunately the case that most abusive men remain abusive for all their lives (often because that's what they saw men doing to women when they were growing up).

    You have a choice: either learn how to put up with your mother-in-law constantly sticking her nose into your child-raising, tolerate your husband's abuse, and accept that your child will grow up watching you being abused, so she comes to believe that's normal and it's how she should expect to be treated by men, or you can find the courage to move on - even if the reality of that would actually be moving back to be with your parents.

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    • Pumpkinface
      3 years ago

      Wow thank you so so much for the time
      You’ve taken to give me this piece of advise , I really appreciate it .

      I sound like a child here but I’ve had a really good think about everything and tbh I feel like a complete fool for thinking this man will change . He’s been coming around to see the baby and has been helping me out around the house etc ... and while I know in my heart deep down people do make mistakes and we all screw up , god look at my life ! But putting up with the anxiety , his mother - whom I’m for the sake of my mental health and peace , trying to let go of the anxiety she gives me ... I don’t think I can go through with second chances . So thank you for your advise because it has helped so much with my
      Decision moving forward .

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  • SkullsNRoses
    3 years ago

    I’d recommend making a reddit account and posting this to r/relationships, they tend to give much more detailed advice than IsItNormal.

    You really have no choice but to leave here for the sake of yourself and your daughter. Don’t be fooled by empty promises, people this messed up aren’t going to change. Is temporarily moving in with your mother for support and distance an option?

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    • Pumpkinface
      3 years ago

      Thank you for your advise I really appreciate it. Great idea , I’ll definitely do that . Sometimes just hearing others opinions helps and gives you that bit of strength and courage you’re lacking ?
      Unfortunately my family don’t live here , believe me if they did it would’ve been a whole lot easier to just pack
      Up and leave . But I will post to reddit , thanks :)

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  • CrHazardous
    3 years ago

    Is there a TLDR version

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    • leggs91200
      3 years ago

      BAsically she married a camel jockey and he is abusive.
      Her mother-in-law started acting like a twat after wife got pregnant.

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