Unworthy the love of my brother and physical pain after failing a game?

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5 Comments

Hello everybody.

Since the birth of my little brother, I have a strong feeling of responsibility, which is nothing bad at all. But the longer he lives and the more I try to protect him and take care the more I feel empty and not worth his love.
There's also the need to be good, better, even perfect at things to be worth the life I was given. I would even go as far as to call it compulsion of perfection. And of this, I know it definitely isn't normal. I can't stop doing something better than those I meet. I can't face failure. You could imagine it like this: Failure to me feels like somebody pushing their fingernails into my chest, it feels like them ripping it open pulling out big chunks of bloody flesh the more I lose. I know losing isn't something bad. I have no problem to lose in a fair game. It doesn't matter what I think, however when I lose this penetrating pain will pervade my body and won't stop for a long time.
Then I have to put on a mask as I fear my dear brother could worry. I don't want him to worry. I want him to have the happy life I never had.

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40% Normal
Based on 5 votes (2 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • nobodyknowsitsmehehe
    5 years ago

    If this isn't a troll then you need professional help! How old are you and your brother?

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    • LostSoul96
      5 years ago

      I'm turning 22 this October and he's 17.
      There had been already several appointments with my therapist. He told me if it worsens then I might need a longer stay in the clinic of the city. There, so he told me, works a friend who knows his field well, but that would mean I would be absent from work and have no opportunity to be on my brother's side should he ever need it then. I also don't trust it too much. I mean, he never told me crucial lies or was behaving strangely for his profession or anything. It's just that I have distinct trust issues.

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      • nobodyknowsitsmehehe
        5 years ago

        I think it's normal to be protective, especially of a younger sibling but you're taking it to far. He is nearly an adult and he needs to make his own mistakes or he will never learn from them. That is how we all grow as ppl. I hope you work it all out in therapy. I feel you just need to relax about the whole situation. He's your brother not your child, be a friend/sister not an overbearing mother.

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        • LostSoul96
          5 years ago

          I guess you're right. I must have gotten too used to it, since orphanage... Being his older brother should have been enough.

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          • Ellenna
            5 years ago

            What does your reference to an orphanage mean? I feel you need to remind yourself that loving someone is enough, you're not responsible for his life or his happiness. Sometimes obsessing about someone else's life is a way of avoiding issues in your own life: I know, I used to do this a lot myself until I realised what I was doing and that I wasn't totally motivated by concern for the other person,

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