To only be attracted to older white women?
I'm a 25-year-old man. I can only find myself attracted to older white women. When I say older, I mean from late 30s onwards.
For some context - I'm mixed race. My dad was black and my mom white. When I was 8, my mother left me
and my father. My dad died when I was 10 (liver failure - he was a destructive alcoholic).
I lived with my aunt (my mom's sister) after my dad's death. It was a difficult period - my aunt was
verbally and physically abusive towards me. So many times in that house I lived in fear. Fear that
the smallest mistake (real or imagined) on my part would set my aunt off. I moved out the first chance I got.
When I was a teen, I could never find myself attracted to white girls my age. I was attracted to black
girls my age (or any other non-white girls my age). However, I was only attracted to white women that were far
older than me. I could find a white girl my age to be pretty, but I never felt the insatiable desire
that stirs in the pit of your stomach. As a teen, I would constantly masturbate over white women
far older than me (teachers, neighbours, the mothers of friends, etc). When I watched porn, it would mostly feature
older white women.
As a teen and in my early 20s, I dated and had sex with non-white girls my age. But now I can't even find myself
attracted to girls of any race that are my age. I'm only attracted to significantly older white women. When I
go to a nightclub with friends and they are trying to get in with young women our age, I have zero interest
in participating. I've been in situations where I have the opportunity to hook up with a pretty woman my age
and I simply reject the idea. Some of my friends actually think I'm gay because of it.
I've had several sexual relationships with white women in their 40s since I was around 23. In the beginning, it was bliss. Lived upto the billion times I had fantasized about moments like that.
However, it quickly became dehabilitating as during
sex, I would call my partner "mommy." And I would want the woman to treat me as if I were her son. I specifically
go for women who have some kind of resemblance to my mother's physical appearance (hair colour, eye colour, skin tone, etc).
I always knew I had some form of "mommy issues" but it's gotten to a point that I'm fearing for my mental health.
I feel like I'm a sick pervert.