This is my excuse.

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10 Comments

In my younger & angrier years, I used to think I hated people because people are basically stupid. Not to say that this isn't true, but with time I got less angry & more melancholy because I began to see that it wasn't so much the stupidity of the general populace that frustrates me so -I don't care so much anymore if people as a whole are like one, big moronic paramecium- but rather, the psychological/emotion threshold of individual persons that breaks my fucking heart.
See, I'm all about really getting down into it. I venture deep into the dark, forgotten (or buried), shameful places of someone I care for & dredge up everything I can in the privacy of just that person & myself & I love it when they can do the same for me.
I don't have to tell you just how not ok most people are with this.
I had a medium circle of friends in school but that circle got smaller & smaller due to my own liking as time went on. I wanted to go underground & they preferred to stay in the sandbox, if that metaphor makes any sense, so I learned to let go of those who refuse come & go with me to where things get scary. It's the same with almost all of my family, though I love them, I'm not friends with most of them for this reason.
I don't usually bother trying to make friends anymore because it seems to be one disappointment after another. I need passion & excitement & secret things & higher places in all my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I stop putting effort into a relationship as soon as it becomes clear that the other person has drawn a line in the sand, declared an "I can go no further" for themselves, & therefore, closed a door. Sorry, but I don't close doors on anything intellectual so do me a favor & leave playing-it-safe to friendly acquaintances or hit the pavement. If getting down & dirty is too much for you, I'm not going to drag you there.
I think this is why, when I do want a specific person as my friend, it's kind of a big deal to me as it doesn't happen often. If I'm obviously trying to keep you near, I must have hope for you -I must see something very fucking gorgeous indeed in you that makes me think you're able to open your mind & step off of the edge to places you can't go with just anyone because they couldn't take it, they wouldn't understand, they have-a-reason-that-doesn't-matter... In a pretentious world filled to the brim & then-some with an irrational fear of everything we are inside, this is what I live for.

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Based on 48 votes (24 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • flutterhigh
    12 years ago

    On the issue of privacy:

    At some point, I started to warm to the idea that it's natural for ANY animal to be wary of others encroaching upon their territory - your life is a narrative, and that narrative is your territory. It's just as easy to imagine those who would do harm in your mental territory as it is to imagine those who would harm your physical territory. But then I asked myself - so is it really worth espousing openness at the risk of being hurt or punished for it?

    OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS.

    Otherwise we're just limiting our lives and fencing our territories in fear and shame - keeping us insular, boring, and lonely. But you need to remember that most people don't feel like this, and understandably so. It's a frightening thing that takes an immense amount of trust and patience.

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  • admirer
    12 years ago

    This isn't a church.
    I'm not trying to gather members, here. There are people who get it & then, there are people who don't.
    For those that have any inkling to what I'm saying here, I thank you very much for expressing your thoughts & ideas to everyone who'll read this.
    For those that miss the point entirely, this sort of thing clearly isn't for you, I don't care to help you understand & you're not worth addressing personally or more than once, so I won't.

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  • Rufus
    12 years ago

    Perhaps people are afraid that you will abandon them if you know too much about them?

    Or perhaps they are afraid you will report them to the police.

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    • admirer
      12 years ago

      You could be right. Trust does play a huge role in all of this.
      One of the ways I've found often works to help someone get past that is to offer some of myself, first.
      I don't start with something illegal unless I'm sure I'm in no danger of legal repercussion but I will give them something with enough weight to it to assure them I'm not fucking around.
      Worst case scenario: They tell my little secret & who cares? That's what this is all about, isn't it? If I can't realize that isn't the end of the world, how can I expect someone else to?
      Here's another thing: If the person is trying to be malicious & thinks by telling whatever I told them to someone else that it'll bring my world crashing down (of course, it won't), they've obviously missed the point & are therefore of no further interest to me.

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  • admirer
    12 years ago

    I say all that to say this:
    I'm begging you, don't bear the weight of the world's fear. Don't be afraid to confide in me the things you want to say because you're afraid you'll offend me or that I'll look at you differently. Goddamn it, OFFEND ME. Make me uncomfortable! Make me question everything I think I know about you, about me, about whatever! Make me cry! Turn me on! Frighten me! MAKE ME LOOK AT YOU DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE IF YOU'RE OPENING YOURSELF UP, YOU CAN NOT GO WRONG WITH ME. Yeah, I'll look at you differently, all right -I won't be able to help but see you as more beautiful than before. For fuck's sake, pardon the following expression but man-up.
    Pass to me the weight of the burdens you hide from the world; your sadness, your secrets, your shame. Give to me a glimpse of the part of yourself you find most hideous.
    Just talk. I'll listen. And whatever you say shall be stored away & never repeated by myself. Let me be your diary that you don't have to worry about accidentally leaving open, as once you've written your secret words, they're absorbed & invisible to any who may try to uncover them.
    This is what you get out of this deal, an ear without a mouth.
    What do I get? My dear, I get a most precious gift, indeed. I get the thing you never give to anyone else even though some of them think that you have...
    I get the real you.

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  • Dream_Killer
    9 years ago

    We seem to have a lot in common. I use to hate people because I thought they were stupid stupid too! but that was like just a year ago I discovered, while some of them are just stupid, most of them has reasons why they are the way they are.

    I think I understand what you are saying. You used a lot words. In short you are saying, you want people to open up to you and tell you everything about them and what goes on in there mind Correct?

    Well, the reason why people aren't so keen on doing that is because trust. they might not trust you that well, or they just don't want to dig up those emotions and re-live them by telling you.

    I only have a few friends as well, and we've been friends for 6+ years. We are truly open with one another about everything and are not afraid of offending or being embarrassed by the things we say. It is great to have relationships we're you can talk about all those awful dark and somewhat taboo things amongst each other and you come out just fine.

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  • Dad
    12 years ago

    If you dig deep enough you'll always find 'dark' secrets.
    To be in a relationship does not automatically entitle you to all of the other persons privacy.
    Good open communication without any barriers is certainly the best answer, but prying and demanding answers is not good communication.

    You may think you have someone all worked out, but even if you did, what else would keep you interested?
    YOUR best suited partner will always keep you guessing.

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    • admirer
      12 years ago

      Well, hello again, "Dad"... that's still funny to me, I don't know why.
      I agree with you, demanding never works (unless we're talking gangster movies where fingernails are being ripped off during an interrogation or something, but then, I think that'd destroy the point, don't you? Anyway...), so you don't demand.
      You coax.
      Smoothly, sweetly, reassuringly, you coax.
      Often but not too often. Give your partner, friend or whoever it is you want to open up to you time to change.
      Yes, Dad, MY best anyone(s) are the ones who keep me guessing, not because they keep to themselves but because they are never stagnant.
      They are always growing, forever evolving, which keeps me -maybe, not so much "guessing"... keeps me learning.
      That sounds right.
      Keeps me constantly having to study & figure out -learn- new levels of understanding.
      Oh god, this is sexy.
      Ok, I gotta get back to work, haha.
      Thanks for commenting, "Dad". :)

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  • lc1988
    12 years ago

    I stopped reading after "moronic paramecium." Please seek alternative metaphor. You'd be lucky to be a paramecium. Just because they're single celled organisms doesn't mean shit.

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  • shiftyy
    12 years ago

    if you really want us to read all of that text...PLEASE USE PARAGRAPHS!!!

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