The trinity and the rising conflict

‘The Trinity and Control’

Have you ever come through a thought of a conflict inside you? I bet you have and I believe it is wrong not to have one. we as shallow and fragile humans must go through conflicts, these conflicts shape us, it affects our personality, mentality, emotions, dreams and so many things that may have no slight idea about. I personally am suffering from this conflict, it never ended, to be honest I don't even know when, how and why it became so active inside me, some people say its normal because of our brain, it is true but to what sort, we live in duality, and what I believe in personally that it is not duality that is creating this type of conflicts, there may be another side, in my opinion us humans when it comes what we can't see but feel we consist of three different entities, what we want to be, what we dream of and what we long towards life, the second one is what and how we actually act in another words lets name it the current self which is what we are now, yet the third entity is what we passed through of experiences in our past life. nothing can beat that. we are all those three. and conflicts arise when these entities start drifting and playing roles that they are not supposed to play. So many times, I wanted to act towards something yet there is this thing that kept me from doing it, hid me, forced me to do what I don't want to do, simply because of my past experience no matter how bad or good was it, it just stops me, fearing something, expecting something, running away from something or running towards something. these conflicts live and grow inside me and are causing me a shitload of issues that bring even worse issues, out of nowhere I suddenly lose control, I wanted to be in control ever since I managed to understand that I’m not in control of me, I feel like a prisoner, I had that feeling when I was religious, I was bounded by so many limitations that simply didn't allow me to be me. I ran away from religion thinking that I was escaping that mental and emotional prison I lived in unwillingly, just because my family is religious I had to be...

It is not bad to be religious, again I say we are humans, we need something to lay on, we need a combination of fear strength and power, something bigger than us to blame or to run to when we need, and that is completely fine, you can't tell a fish to climb a tree, and yes I will give this as an example. unless we go through drastic changes, experiences and new life goals (the trinity of a human-self) we will not change and thus for the fish if it doesn't go through this type of change it will never climb the tree. this type of change let’s call it the untouchable self-mutation. now to go back to control, yes I ran away from religion when I felt the need for change it was back in 2006, it started evolving slowly, I didn't even care for such change but I started feeling it when I actually rebelled on the younger me, when I started fearing nothing, it pushed me, it empowered me, it helped me become a different combination of what I was, yet it was not all sunshine and rainbows, I have been developing lots of un-explainable conditions, and by accidents I observe how I act and think and talk in certain situations that keep happening. in my current days, I do a lot just to get out of this conflict, I’m not sure what I’m suffering I started caring less to what I have. I stopped caring for so many things, I have a really good job, I can call myself multi-talented as I do so many things that I love, I draw, tattoo, play different musical styles and think, I used to draw since I was 16-17 exactly after I started running away from religion, I recently concluded that the act of drawing was a push for my inner prisoner I started letting things out, every person who holds a pencil and draws one single stroke in a any state of mind is expressing himself, but what I actually concluded was that I started feeding on what I drew, played, talked and thought of, eleven years later I noticed that, thanks to all of these issues I became this piece of man I am today, it fueled my anger, fueled those inside me, the people on conflict, my detention time broke me, my breakup with my ex broke me, my suicide attempts broke me, my substance abuse broke me, everything and everyone I ever knew sometime somehow broke me, shattered my thoughts, ideas, actions and morals. I'm lost now I don't know what the fuck is happening, I do love exceptionally, I work hard, I live alone, I am capable of running my own life, yet I’m not in control, how can someone run a machine but not be in control of how it is ran, this machine is full of different sorts of components that are destined to do things, these things may be different depending on the time, condition and environment, so am I. I need to find what is deriving all of these strange thoughts, I want to know who the fuck is in control of me, I want to know who is wining and who is losing, when I’m sad or when someone throws some bad words to me, it degrades me as a human not in anyone's eyes, I could care less for that, but in my own eyes I hate me, I despise me and I want to kill me, because I’m not good and I don't deserve good. I flip, my brain thinks negatively, I start feeling anger and fear and power in the same time, which drives me to do very fucked up shit. when I get in contact with a pencil and paper and start drawing, or when I put my fingers on the piano I lose control, it is not me who is playing or drawing. it was fine until I didn’t become the one responsible for the words coming out of my mouth. I enjoy being sad and I live upon it as it empowers me, it makes me evil and willing to do anything bad that my better self-stops me from doing. I find this dazzling how someone like me would do all the wrong things he is afraid of or trying to stay from, and in the end of the day, I became the person I was afraid of when I was a kid, not that only but I became the person who my parents warned me to stay away from…