The fart chart....the new science of fart compatibility!!

19 Comments

In an attempt to lower the divorce rate, I've devised a helpful tool to determine the possible detrimental effects of farts in your relationship and how to decipher fart-related conflict.

It works with 8 important factors, 4 for your partner's farts and 4 of your qualities that relate directly to farts. These items are rated on a scale of 1-10, 1 being low, 10 being high. I've grouped them by 2's in what I found to be the most strategic pairs.

duration vs sensitivity
potency vs intimacy
saturation vs tolerance
frequency vs expectations

I've included a graph of my and my partner's scores as an example. We are happily married. Farts have come between us a time or two though, and farts have also been the scapegoat for a whole different problem. The graph would tell us that, and also gauge fairly accurately how often this would happen and how serious it would be.

WARNING: Results must be interpreted by a professional!!

PS**Excuse the % signs, they're not supposed to be there, it should just be plain numbers from 1-10.

Genius, sheer genius!! 19
I wish I saw this before I got married! 6
What...the...hell??? 43
No. Just, no. 15
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Comments ( 19 )
  • anti-hero
    11 years ago

    I didn't laugh until I saw the word saturation.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      It's not a laughing matter, sir. This is my life's work.

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      • anti-hero
        11 years ago

        I wish I knew who you were, you make me laugh.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          Someday, perhaps years from now, you'll be browsing the shelves at Barnes & Noble for marriage reference books, and then, good sir, you'll know who I am.

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          • anti-hero
            11 years ago

            Three problems with that. 1. years from now Barnes & Noble will not exist, it will go the way of Boarders. 2. If it did still exist, I'd rather go to BAM. 3. I will never get married.

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    • [Old Memory]
      11 years ago

      Same here.
      Saturation? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
      No, no. Don't tell me. I really don't want to know.

      I had no idea farts were a serious problem in some marriages. I guess there's a term for it too: "Fart-related conflict" Who knew? :)

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        11 years ago

        Another word we in the fart science world may use for saturation is 'permeation'. I prefer 'saturation' because it speaks more for the heaviness of a fart. A fart need not permeate too far in order to saturate thoroughly. Since I am a pioneer in this field, I am responsible for a lot, I am making the rules that lesser men will have to follow, and I decided on saturation after some deliberation.

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        • [Old Memory]
          11 years ago

          When I read "saturation", I thought of a wet fart and saturation would be what happens to the undies. Air pollution was not something I immediately considered.

          I like your graph. :)

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          • Anonymous Post Author
            11 years ago

            Oh, well we here at the Institute would never consider that sort of saturation as it's not universal that one party is responsible for the other's laundering of the undergarments. That's a different issue, one which we may pass up to one of our other departments although we'd definitely share data.

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            • [Old Memory]
              11 years ago

              Holy Crap! I never thought of the laundry part of it. That would definitely cause some problems. I think if one person had to launder another's poop-stained underwear, it could get ugly. Especially, if it was known that they were forcing their farts out on purpose and kept sharting in the process.

              If I lived with a person who was overly flatulent, I'd encourage them to take probiotics and to lay off the foods that cause them gassiness.

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  • NocturnePonyFan
    11 years ago

    This is the most beautiful post I have ever encountered. You, my good sir, are pure brilliance.

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  • rock-chick
    11 years ago

    lmfao! hahahahahaha!!!!

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Telling a joke that's long and complicated always runs the risk of being poorly received, although that probably wasn't your intent.

    Tl;DR-

    OP uses Humor!
    It's not very effective...

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  • robbieforgotpw
    11 years ago

    FREE CHART ANALYSIS...

    I noticed the farting exceeds the spouse standard in 3 out of 4 categories. So who is walking around with a respirator( or white face mask) on at your home?

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  • saddenedunicorn
    11 years ago

    You actually spent time on this? WHAT THE HECK MAN.

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  • Shackleford96
    11 years ago

    Funny title, I'll have to fully read this later :)

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  • myboyfriendsbitch
    11 years ago

    I am working in the crapology department of the fart science branch, currently researching the affect of poop on sociability and peer acceptance. My theory is that friendship is ultimately established following a conversation of poop. If either party is disgusted by the conversation, the relationship will never evolve beyond the point achieved prior to the poop conversation. It's nice to see others advancing in this department :)

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  • Dot123
    11 years ago

    Smell my farts.

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  • shuggy-chan
    11 years ago

    i didnt read them fancy word, but i saw yurr chart and i know... ohhh i know your on to somefinn big hurr MR. yessirebob

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