The dilema of a girlfriend's death

Bear with me here dear reader, as I am not the best writer but I hope all of you understand what I mean
Note: this is real and I'm not seeking any kind of sick attention but I am seeking help

So here is the story :
My destined soul mate passed away a few years ago, when I was 15. since her death I can't smile an honest smile and every time I sincerely laugh I suddenly remember her as if she is looking at me
Because the way she got out of this world was horrible by a car accident. The problem is I saw her body after the car accident and she was very beautiful but one of her arms wasn't in place and there were wounds all over her body, I never got to tell anyone that we were together and I was planning to marry her when I am older, but the night she died I couldn't tell anyone not my friends nor my family I felt like exploding, so I did.

I exploded in the face of a stranger (not literally I only said a few words in whatsapp but I consider it exploding), the night I found out, I couldn't help but to see my tears drop out of my eyes so suddenly and quickly that I couldn't grab a tissue to wipe it off so I don't stain my clothes.

To this day, I still dream of her in my sleep in a bad/good way and think of her all the time because she was one of the best girls I ever knew and the most beautiful, yet every time I see a knife I feel like cutting my self with it but I never do, but whenever I get cut by accident I feel pleased for it wasn't I who died :( and she doesn't deserve what happened to her, even though I know I would hurt her if I did it on purpose. (During my life I lost too many people to death in car accidents but she was always there to comfort me but now no one is there :( but I still manage to do very good in school, somehow.

Do you think my case is considered normal?
(Forgive me for all the mistakes up there)