Telling my mom i want to be a guy

45 Comments

Okay...so I'm biologically a female. Up until about grade eight, I always knew I was a female, I was content with being female, and I thought boys had cooties.

But recently I've been contemplating and questioning my sexuality. I like dressing like a boy, I want to look like a boy, I like being called a boy, and I want to have the body and junk of a boy. However, I am physically attracted to boys, and I still act girly sometimes without realizing it (and then get upset at myself for it), and I don't necessarily want to be all big and and buff, but I just want to be a skinny boy.

My mom doesn't know and I don't think it would go well if I told her. She has this habit of trying to force me to change my mind about anything she doesn't agree with, and eventually I get so fed up that I just let her have her way. She's a very open minded person, but not always when it comes to me.

She's very girly (she owns a vintage clothing shop and makes jewelry for a living), and I think she would have a hard time excepting that her little girl wants to be a little boy. When I showed her how I want to get my hair cut (it was a picture of a guy with cool hair) she got all pissy about it and said this:

"That's a boys hair cut! They're going to wonder why you want a boys haircut! Do you want to be a boy? Well, do you?"

to which I stuttered and hmmmed and hawwed. Then she continued saying how it wasn't 'okay' that I wanted a boys haircut, and I said:

"Is there something wrong with that?"

and she said:

"Well, kind of, yeah!"

so I told her to get out of my room, and she did. I never thought she would say that. I think she prepared herself for if I was a lesbian, or maybe bisexual, but I don't think she prepared herself for a transgender child. I want her to know, but whenever I dress like a boy she calls me a dyke and says that I look stupid repeatedly, and loudly. I really just want to be honest with her, but at the same time, I don't want to lose the freedom that I have when she doesn't know. If she found out, she'd be on my case about it all the time, no matter what her opinion would be.

There's also the factor where I don't know if this will last. I'm the kind of person that goes through major phases, and I'm worried that this is just another phase and I would stress her out for nothing. I really don't know what to do. I don't even know what's going on, so I don't even know if I could rightfully tell her.

I'm sorry for ranting, but this has really been bothering me lately and I often get depressed about it. Thank you for reading this long ass description, please comment and let me know what you think I should do <:)

tell her	19
don't tell her, keep it a secret	8
get someone else to tell her	2
let her figure it out on her own	10
ease it on her slowly	28

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Comments ( 45 )

Energy

9 years ago | pl

Show her some FTM documentaries and transition videos on YouTube, so she can better understand it. Perhaps see a gender therapist with her. Find an FTM group that helps too. I personally think it's kind of harsh that she calls you a "dyke".. But just stay positive. Get your haircut, buy some guy clothes, come out to your friends...then see if you truly like to feel like a boy..if so, you can proceed further by taking hormones. If you don't like it, you can simply go back to being a girl.

You can also be gender fluid.

Acting girly doesn't make you any less of a boy. Those are societies gender norms. You can choose if you want them to apply to you or not. I've met plenty of "girly" guys.

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  that actually made me feel a lot better, thank you. I think I might show her a video / documentary just to see what she thinks, but I probably wont tell her any time soon, just because I want to make absolute certain that this is what i want.
  
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  - Energy
    
    9 years ago
    
    It's my absolute pleasure. And take your time!
    
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Lillyrosee

9 years ago

Babe, I totally think you should express yourself and be who you are, it just doesn't sound like you know who you are yet. That's fine, go out and find yourself, but remember that you're still young and your mind could change, so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. Also, do't be so hard on your mom, it might just be difficult for her since shes from a different time. I think once you finally settle on your identity, slowly make it clear to her and at the end of the day, she will still love you. Best of luck.

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  oh my god that actually just described most of my feelings, when you said I don't know who I am yet but I should be myself. I've only talked to a couple people about it, but I think coming out to my friends would be a good idea, thank you!!
  
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thegypsysailor

9 years ago

It sounds as though you have a lot of confusion about all this. It also sounds as though you are under 18 and I believe you need to slow down and see how you feel about all this after you have had a few relationships. You may be rushing into something which may become a moot point by the time you are an adult.
I'm not judging you or saying you are wrong, just asking you not to commit to a course of action over a phase you may grow out of.
So, no, I wouldn't tell your mom anything right now. How you wear your hair isn't the big thing here; say you just want a change.

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  I think I won't tell her for a while, and if I change my mind then there's nothing to worry about, but I'm also scared that she'll try to talk me out of it, like she does with everything.
  
  I considered that I was thinking to fast, so that's part of the reason I won't tell her for now. Thank you for the advice, it really helped word my feelings quite well :)
  
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  - Riddler
    
    9 years ago
    
    I would say to ask someone about this. You sound very confused. I think they have therapists that deal with this type of issue and you will have to go through therapy if you get a sex change. Also just because you like boy things as a chick does not mean you necessarily have to get a sex change to be able to enjoy them. This kind of step is also permanent so you will not be able to turn back into a female after the procedure is performed. Perhaps you are just feeling restricted by the rules applied to men differently than women and you simply want fair treatment. That alone does not say you really feel like a man and no one else should make you feel like your not feminine for not wanting to wear dresses and act all poofy lala.
    
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Usenoname

9 years ago

Ok, I really don't think partaking in the transition is right for you, specifically. The majority of people who make this transition, if not regret it, do it WAY too young and still immature, mentally and physically. I am 100% for and accepting of anyone's transition, as I actually have a handful of friends who moved and made a full transition--BUT, about 1 in 4-5 seriously regret it. I'm not saying all do, and I know your question is regarding telling your Mother about your feelings, but as you stated, if you're aware you still go through phases and may "just" be bisexual, or have lingering attraction for the opposite sex; you are also still learning about yourself and your body/sexuality. This is a HUGE thing to dedicate to, it's absolutely undoable. Your body, voice and looks will never be the same, you have to be CERTAIN, this is 110% what you want.

As I stated, I have friends who have made a full transition and 1 friend, did this too young. She transitioned to a male, but once regretting the decision and wishing to go back and be a "lesbian", no longer wanting to be a "straight male", it absolutely ruined her dating life and self-esteem, as she now no longer has breasts, her voice remains very deep, her body - size, hair, overall structure, is completely undoable and changed for life. So as opposed to wondering how to tell your mom, I'd be making sure it's 110% what you desire and want instead.

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- Usenoname
  
  9 years ago
  
  To elaborate, I don't want you to think I'm judging any decision you choose to make, as it's of your own volition and desire. I just have seen cases in which such drastic changes have had adverse effects. It's not what it seems; magically becoming the person you believe you were born to be and being entirely happy with yourself and body, overnight. Of course if it were as simple as waking up "the right" gender, body and mind, it'd be different. But it is an incredibly long and thorough process. If you're prone to phases and are not repulsed and disgusted with your body, or gender, the way it is, you should think about it for quite some time, before starting the process.
  
  Of my friends who did this, there are the ones' who could not bear being a "male vs female, female vs male", a second longer, having only attraction to the same sex, in their original body -- and then there were the ones' who just believed societal standards made their gender "wrong", ie, the choice of clothing and way they presented themselves. Being a masculine lesbian or feminine gay male, is not the only reason to contemplate a sex change. It's so much more and so much complexity and disdain for the body you're born with, entire mental anguish, in what you see, in the mirror.
  
  Hormonal changes that occur once the transition begins, also need to be addressed and fully understood, because you're not the same person, once this starts to take effect. If someone was already prone to phases or Indesivice behavior, the hormones can really deteriorate your state of mind and mental health. Causing immense amounts of depression and anxiety.
  It's just something you should be certain of, so young, and at least be living a life on your own, first. Because it cannot be undone.
  
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  - Wimpy
    
    9 years ago
    
    sorry I didn't read this one before commenting on the first one, but thank you for all the information. As I stated, I have no intentions - for the time being - of taking testosterone or having any type of surgery, but just actual gender identification.
    
    I'm still physically attracted to boys. I have liked a girl before, but that was for her personality, and I wasn't really PHYSICALLY attracted to her. Anyway, it's more about what I want myself to look and be like. I don't want to have huge muscles or be super buff, I'm fine with being skinny, but I just generally like being a tiny person. But at the same time, I want to have flat chest, and I want to have male 'junk' (I really suck at saying sexual words, so I'm just gonna say junk), and I want to look like a boy, but I still like boys, and I still like being small...it's hard to explain. I really hate having boobs, and uh...girl junk...so that's really the best i can explain it. I just want my mom to know how i feel.
    
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  - Satanic_Cereal
    
    9 years ago
    
    I agree. I think that's true of transitions. Even though op only hinted at wishing to have a male figure. It's still good to remind someone of the precautions, just in case.
    
    One can even identify as male, and portray himself as male, without changing the body. -I'm going to call op a "he" to make him happy--- Right now, the dilemna still, is convincing his mom to let him dress the way he wants.
    
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    - Satanic_Cereal
      
      9 years ago
      
      Plus, ideally, op should be able to enter whatever phases he/she goes through-- as well as leave those phases as he pleases. Without having to worry whether his mother approves. Even if he/she potentially, winds up identifying as male for a while, then female for a while after. (as long he didn't make the long-term physical changes, that could affect those decisions when he's not ready)
      
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      - Wimpy
        
        9 years ago
        
        thanks you for calling me 'he', it made me really happy. I've never really thought about going from one gender to the other (identity wise), and I sort of like the idea of it, although I feel like I wouldn't get any closure by doing so, just for my own personal satisfaction, but in the end, that might just end up happening anyways as a result of my indecisiveness.
        
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        Satanic_Cereal
        
        9 years ago
        
        I guess I mentioned the going-thru-gender phases idea, only because other people's comments claimed you seem to not know your identity yet. I wondered, maybe they said that, in response to your writing that this may be just another major phase.
        
        I don't think their disbelief, means you're not ready to choose your identity, if you want to (whether you're ready to choose or not, is up to you). I figured, it helps relieve pressure on a person, to know there's no shame in phasing in and out of gender identities. So if you wanted to identify as male now, you don't have to worry about people's claims that you don't know who you are yet- even if you do wind up phasing out. I hope I didn't worry you though... and make you think that phasing in & out would be the inevitable for you- sorry. That, also will be up to you, and it may not happen at all, for all we know (only you would know that).
        
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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  I don't have any intentions of taking testosterone or getting any surgery right now as I am still in highschool, but if I ever think about it in the future I will keep that in mind. I dont want to do anything too drastic, but part of my troubles are, as you sort of stated, that I want to make sure that I'm telling the truth when I say "mom, I want to be a boy, can you start referring to me as 'he' instead of 'she'"
  
  I'm honestly really confused right now, as far as sexuality and gender identity goes, but I want to be able to talk about it with my mom...but I don't want her to get the wrong idea or anything like that. I really just started having these feelings about a year ago and they've only increased since, but sometimes I debate whether it's really what I want, mostly because I've been a 'girl' my whole life.
  
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Captain_Kegstand

9 years ago

Figure yourself out first, don't be upset about catching yourself acting girly, that's part of who you are! If you want to be trans gender be happy with yourself, once you have yourself figured out then tell her and she can work it out on her own.

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dickwashington

9 years ago

i wouldnt especially once you said you go through a lot of phases you seem young my advice is to at least wait a while longer (years)

what really makes you want to be a boy? because from what i read kinda seems like you really want to have a penis but yet you dont really seem curious about the same sex i dont know i just want to know a little more about why you want to make such a huge change

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  I'm not very good at explaining things, sorry :)
  
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  - dickwashington
    
    9 years ago
    
    oh no its ok i just really details so i could completely understand what your situation is ( i understand now) and i just want to wish you the best of luck with what ever you decide to do
    
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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  right now I don't really have plans of going through surgery or getting testosterone shots, but I could change my mind in the future.
  
  The best way I can describe it is this:
  
  my sexual orientation doesn't affect my gender identification, and although I am physically attracted to boys, I also want to have the body of one. I can't explain why, that's just how it is.
  
  The problem I'm struggling with is making sure that I indeed am positively sure that this is who I am, for my own mental sake as well as my mother's, and having my mom accept that this is what I want.
  
  hopefully that made a bit more sense to you. .
  
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[Old Memory]

9 years ago

can she be a boyish girl and not worry about it?

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- green_boogers
  
  9 years ago
  
  Yes but she has to get her mother to accept it. Her mother is interfering with the development of her sexual identity.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    9 years ago
    
    but she can wear what she wants even by degrees. why does mother have to be involved?
    
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    - green_boogers
      
      9 years ago
      
      She should be a boyish girl, wear boys underwear, and play touch football with the boys. And her Mother should leave her alone.
      
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      - Wimpy
        
        9 years ago
        
        thanks for the advice, but that's already sort of what I do. It's not only dressing like a boy and acting like a boy, I want to be known as a BOY, not a boyish girl. When people refer to me I want them to say 'he' instead of 'she', I want to be able to look like a boy - which would require cutting my hair shorter than it already is and wearing a binder (which is basically like a tight tank top that makes your boobs look flat). My mom can't do anything to change me dressing and acting like a boy (even if she calls me a dyke), but I can't make her let me get a binder (I can't buy it on my own, because I need to order it online), and I can't make her refer to me as a guy. I don't wan't to be a tomboy, I want to be a BOY.
        
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        9 years ago
        
        good advice
        
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        Wimpy
        
        9 years ago
        
        thank you both for the consideration and friendliness, though.
        
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Crusades

9 years ago

For all you idiots in the comment section, stop giving this girl stupid advices. She should have a talk with her parents and ask them for their opinion and consent as long as she's under aged, not being rebellious and act based on some temporary impulses, influenced by liberal idiots online. These are all eccentric childish acts of young people who were influenced by stupid sick shit they see on TV and internet.

All you liberal hipster faggots should stop being so accepting and supportive of young people's obvious insecurities and weird habits taught to them by the poisonous social environment they've been exposed to.
How the fuck is the next generation supposed to thrive and be exemplary citizens when the adults act like children themselves?
We need to keep the horde in check! Children shouldn't feel like they have the freedom to do whatever they want because that would lead to them being entitled self-righteous little fucks.

We need more restrictions!

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  um...sorry I'm kind of confused. What did you think I should do? I wasn't sure if you were saying that my mom should restrict me from 'acting out' or if you meant something else...
  
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  - Couman
    
    9 years ago
    
    Don't mind that creature.
    
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- GreyWulfen
  
  9 years ago
  
  Uh, you're so cool and anti-mainstream.
  
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  - Crusades
    
    9 years ago
    
    If you want my dick in your mouth just say it. No need to be all grumpy about it.
    
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- shortandtothepoint
  
  9 years ago
  
  Very well said. Problem is that the LGBT community will come down like a ton of bricks on anyone who speaks out against the over-liberal views on transgender operations.
  
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  - Crusades
    
    9 years ago
    
    The LGBT community can eat my shit.
    
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ClaireM

8 years ago

i also thought i wanted to be a boy, had my hair chopped short and was pleased whenever somebody referred to me as “mate” or “he”. family begged me to be more girly but i wasn't having it. i gave away, or threw away, all my jewellery and nail varnish.

after having to go on thyroid meds, i lost a ton of weight, stopped contact with the young woman who influenced me and realised that the way i dressed made me look worse. i'm tiny, with small hands and a small frame, so i looked ridiculous in men's clothing. i've kept the short haircut, wear bras like binders but not quite the same because they're the only type that are comfortable *but* i've re-stocked my jewellery, am obsessed with my nails *and* enjoy seeing drag racing and hairy rock bands. i watched an f2m docu, where said girl loved similar stuff, who was throwing away all her girly clothes and insisting her parents looked at binders with her, and i nearly cried.

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Couman

9 years ago

From what you've said, I get the impression your mother is basically a decent person, and so I think she would accept you in the end. But it might take her some time to come around.

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VirgilManly

9 years ago

You sound like a very bright and articulate person.
My advice would be to talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you better understand yourself as well as help you deal with your mother. She sounds sort of rigid. It is a shame when parents become more concerned with shaping their children into the people they want them to be rather than appreciating and cultivating the individuals they are.

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TwoThumbs

9 years ago

Let me preface by saying....I'm all for whatever people decide as long as they aren't hurting anyone...however, it doesn't sound to me like you're quite ready to call yourself transgendered. It sounds like to me that you're young, still quite a bit immature, and still figuring things out. I don't think you need to label yourself quite yet.

Just go out and be YOU. Figure out who you are. And once you really understand who you are....then worry about telling people. Most likely by the time you understand and know your identity...other people will probably already know. If your mom asks tell her the feelings your feeling. Fine...but just labeling yourself to label yourself seems silly.

Also...take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. If it feels right for you to talk to her now..then talk to her now. But you don't have to dress like a girl to be a girl. For the reason you talk about it possibly being a "phase" I commend you....because that is a maturing thought. Being aware that is a personality trait of yours is great. I still say figure out what it means to you...and who you are to yourself. Then worry about letting the world know...and again...by then...I think others will have figured it out as well :)

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tripw7

9 years ago

thejypsysailor has given good advice to several. He is very good to listen to. I don't think you need to tell your Mom either at this time. You are obviously not to the point to make a decision of where you will want to wind up. Get your hair cut shorter, maybe so that Mom will be OK with it. Get some boy's underwear if you want just to have them. Play with guys as well and just maybe they will treat you like them or just maybe treat you like they want you to be a girl and enjoy your company.
Good luck.

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davesumba

9 years ago

You are perfectly fine being a woman. Stop letting the media tell you otherwise with their preconceived notions of "norms." Just be yourself and don't worry about making life changing altercations to your body.

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TwoThumbs

9 years ago

Also...let me add...therapy is never a bad idea. Just to help you understand your thoughts and feelings. It can do wonders.

I wanted add that whatever the outcome...it doesn't change who you are. You're still a valuable and interesting person. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Regardless of what you learn/figure out for yourself... good luck.

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  ...thank you. Just, thank you, that was really...i dunno, helpful i guess? I like to have other people's opinions on things before I make them completely public, so I'll take this into account very much (I know that probably wasn't proper grammar, but you get what I mean). So...thanks :)
  
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green_boogers

9 years ago

You're a girl. Allow yourself to be girly. Wear men's underwear underneath feminine clothes. It's OK to imagine you are a gay boy in a girls body. Flirt with boys. Get them to like you. Play contact sports with boys. It will feel good to touch them.

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- Wimpy
  
  9 years ago
  
  um...I don't want to be girly, though. I don't want to wear feminine cloths at all, in fact, I try not to most of the time...um, not to sound mean or anything! I just don't really want to be a girl, period.
  
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Are You Normal?

Telling my mom i want to be a guy