Tell me a joke

What's the most confusing day for black people? Father's Day.

Here is a couple:

Man who fingers a girl on her period gets caught red handed.

A vampire goes to a cafe and orders a cup of hot water, the bartender thinks it's a strange request but gets him the order. The bartender asks why he wants hot water and the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm having tea".

XD

I know I will Get shit for telling these. My brother, a pastor, told me these.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower ?

Hand her a shovel.

What do you call a woman with one black eye ? A good listener.
What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes ? Nothing, you done told her twice.

DAMN, I can almost hear the nasty comments now. But to my defense- I couldn't think of any others and my brother told me these. So they kinda stick in my head. Please know that I do NOT endorse, encourage, agree with, support, or in any other way feel that domestic violence is a way to deal with problems people have in their lives. There is ALWAYS a civil, non violent way to deal with issues within relationships.

The President is flying on Air Force One with his crew when he gets an idea: "I think I'll throw one-hundred dollars out the window and make someone happy." "Why don't you throw two-hundred dollars out the window and make two people happy?" asks his first adviser. "Why not three-hundred and make three people happy?" asks the second. Not to be outdone, a third chimes in: "Why don't you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?"

A bartender sees a guy walk into the bar, the man has a briefcase and sets it on the counter. Before the bartender can ask the man to remove the brief case, the man opens it up and...behold, there’s a foot tall tiny guy playing a baby grand piano.
“Wow!” the bartender said, “Where’d you get him from!?”
“Well,” the man started, “A hard at hearing genie gave me three wishes, I still have two left, would you like one?”
The bartender gave a sadeways grin, “are you serious?”
“Yep, go ahead and wish for anything you’d like.”
The bartender put a hand to his head, he was so overwhelmed, “Okay okay...um, I wish for- a million bucks!”
Boom, all of a sudden the bar was filled with a million ducks. They’re flopping aver chairs, quacking and one is even sitting on the man’s head. Meanwhile, the little piano dude is still playing.
“What the heck!? I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!” The bartender yelled in frustration as the ducks dirtied the bar. The man motioned for the bartender to come closer.
“Listen buddy,” He began, “Do you really think I asked for a “12 inch pianist”?”

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

Are you gonna eat that?

Brexit

An English cat called One Two Three and a French Cat called Un Deux Trois set off in their rowing boats in a race to cross the English Channel.

Who won?

The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I prefer comedy shows and the intricately put together stories or offensive antics within than jokes/one liners.

The only thing that popped into my head that never fails to make my simple brain laugh because I'm dumb as fuck, and is so fucking dated, it's ridiculous (and no doubt will be seen as lame):

What do you get when you cross Donnie Osmond with Marie Osmond?

Spastics!

Bill clinton walked down the steps to air force one an airman salutes him sharply but Bill can't return the salute. He has a pig under each arm . so he apologized and said i got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea . The Airman said "excellent trade sir"

Deregulation of industry will do nothing but help the working class.

I happen to be an ezpert on this topic.

What are the similarities between raping a child and a rollercoaster?
- The ride gets more fun the longer you go.
(Yeah I just made this one up, so don't blame me if it sucks xD)

A guy goes on a date with a totally hot blonde. They go back to her place and he asks her if she would like to have anal sex. She replies, "God no, that's utterly disgusting!" So he persisted and asked if she would like to have regular sex. She says, "No thank you. I saving myself for marriage". Exasperated and horny as hell, the man asks, "Well, where do you stand on oral sex?" The blonde replied, "Well, I don't see why that matters. But I don't stand, I kneel. Usually by the side of the bed".