Suffering and apathy

Detachment is a natural defense mechanism, is it not? If we cared deeply about every person we didn't know personally, we'd be drained of emotion and wouldn't be able to care for anyone at all, even ourselves. I think detachment is healthy.

Most people will naturally feel somewhat detached reading about tragedy until they make a concerted effort to empathize. In some ways, empathy is an active choice. You have to be able to switch on the emotional connection by relating it to either real tragedies you have suffered or to imagined ones that might later befall you or someone you love.

If we didn't have emotional detachment in our arsenal, our doctors, nurses, lawyers, psychiatrists, etc. could not do their jobs efficiently. I don't think it's callous, it's protective of the self and beneficial for social groups.

Well, this is an interesting post. I'm all for hearing about others subjective experiences and how they differ from mine.
Here is how I differ from/relate to you

point 1)
You say you don't see the point in caring about someone you don't know. For me, the grief of it is different than losing someone specific in my life. it is more that it is a psychologically disturbing thought that it happened at all. It's not personally grieving for the loss of those who weren't in my life.
I believe that we are all connected in some way...that is, human consciousness is not completely separated between individuals. (to make that clear, this belief is based on a feeling, an 'intuition' that I have.) Therefore, it is disturbing to hear about any great suffering, because i feel connected to it. You probably have different intuitions/ spiritual convictions than I do.
2) The fact that the killer is dead doesn't take away the fact that it happened at all. his death was essentially him running away from the world, and that makes people mad. he could have just killed himself, and that makes people mad, too. The maddest kind of mad is the kind that is helpless to revenge..as is the case when the killer is already dead.
3)Some of the children may have died instantly. Others had to face moments of heart wrenching panic. They had to see their classmates being shot first. And to know they were about to meet the same fate. With no one to comfort them, helplessly. It's like your worst nightmare, but you don't get to wake up from it. What a horrible way to die. aside from the children who died, the parents & families suffering is true torture.

Back to my point #1--this seems to be where we differ the most. I didn't care about 9/11 when it happened. It didn't feel real to me somehow. But since then, things have hit me harder. The realness of them is disturbing.To know that that actually happened, to know there is such suffering in the world that i am inextricably a part of--is very, very disturbing. It is not a question of whether you are "normal" or not. Many don't feel much affected, but they don't say anything. Of course you're not going to hear from those people.

Rationalizations over not caring and not caring enough about incidents or people have played, I believe, a considerable role in my thought life. This has to do with a history of not being very social, possibly having Asperger's, and having a tendency towards being rebellious towards social conventions.

I have also worried at times about not empathizing or sympathizing enough, or about lacking the ability to do so.

My stance and opinions on regarding these things have changed over the years.
Nowadays, I think humans are creatures that are born with talents for compassion and empathy for other creatures, especially those who resemble themselves (same species) and those who are childlike. I also think that it is natural to feel sorrowful when someone you know and care about/for dies.
I rather like the fact that humans are built with talents for emotion.

I don't find it abhorrent if someone has only little emotional response to something that happens far away. If something happens somewhere that is unrelated to you, then you can choose not to become upset and be content that others care about it. I might find sad if no one at all cared outside the relevant community.

Having said a bit about how I think, I am going to comment a bit on 3 out of your 4 numbered reasons for your attitude, especially because I disagree with your reasoning.

1) If you're saying that you do not have an obligation to care about people to whom you have no relation, then fine.
I do, however, find your argument a bit odd. Are you not going to care or empathize about others' misfortune, unless they care about you?

2) I assume you mean useless, not obsolete. Correct me if I'm wrong.
It may not help to contribute to more outrage, if you're so far away that it is just something you've heard on the news.
However, the emotional outrage, especially of those whose lives have been impacted or those who live nearby, is not a rational choice.

3) I think it is not about the pain inflicted physically in a case such as the one you use as an example. People dying is generally a sad thing, children dying even more so, to those left behind. The ones left behind are the ones to sympathize with.
If your friend lost a loved one to death at an early age, you probably wouldn't just say 'Oh well, no one is hurting now, so it doesn't matter.

I'm glad you wrote this. I'm exactly the same, to the point where I've often wondered about the reactions of those around me to this kind of thing, "are they faking?". "You don't know these people, are you pretending to care?".

Now, if I spend a minute REALLY thinking about the situation, imagining what it might be like for the families, I feel something. But I'd have to force myself to do this, it's not an initial instinctive reaction.

I really think when people go on about how awful it must be for those involved, they are doing it on purpose just to show that they are a decent, caring person. There's no harm in that, but I have always wondered how they could care about these things they saw on the news. And the worst is they care deeply for about a minute and then the sports or whatever comes on... So can it really be that genuine?

Anyway, when this happens I normally force myself to go to that place and try and really empathise (which takes a small amount of effort for me) so I can comment genuinely about how awful the latest killing or whatever isand try and feel something (only because it seems to be the thing to do sometimes - I don't really see the point mostly, Im not actually changing anything).

So anyway, maybe we are too wrapped up in our own universes, I don't know. Maybe when we truly feel empathy, it feels awful!! So why do that for no reason??
I don't know.

You sound very negative and almost bitter in a weird way.

Am I the only one who laughs when they hear REALLY bad news to?

I hate when people put me in situations requiring empathy, I'm either left to pretend I care, zone out and give cold responses or overtly show how little of a shit I give.

I've always got this dodgy feeling inside to when someone requires emotional reasoning from me, especially in face to face situations where it's hard to escape.

Oh well.

Well to be honest this feature of yours can even be looked at as something good. If every time you heard something about death or any kind of cruelty that happened in this world you would empathise you would've probably already died from sorrow. So not caring too much is definitely a mechanism of protecting yourself.
Anyhow empathy is something really important in relationships and even with mere acquaintances. So maybe you can try to work on seeing things grom their perspective. Even if it doesn't affect you which is good you can show open mindedness and kindheartedness like this. :)

Sheltered. You need to enlist in the armed forces. Go to Iraq and watch children die right in front of you. You won't know them....... If you still feel nothing, report back to me.

TL;DRs everywhere!

When it happens to you or your family or a friend you will care asshole and that is when I will not.

yall maybe have some thoughts of their kinfolk? what they gotta be dealin with? how they be tortured? yall be quite wrapped up in yallself not the peoples goin through that shit for almost a year