Stupidity and love

12 Comments

Why is it that when you really like somebody, and it's clear that you both like one another, nothing ever happens?

Basically "Friend-zoning"; why does this happen? If you like this person and they like you (more than friends), should you not make something of it?

Allow me to explain my story. I'm just going to use the name Amanda for this story because I'd rather not use her real name.

So Amanda and I are good friends. We hang out all the time; she tells me all of her problems because she know's I won't run and tell anyone and we both like each other quite a bit. We've been talking to each other for almost a year or two now and we've been really close for some time now. What I don't seem to get is a friend of hers, way back at the beginning of our friendship had told me to ask her out. I didn't do it way back then, I waited until we really got to know each other. This is where the question comes from. She told me this in a text:

"[my name], so I want you to know that I've had feelings for you for like the longest time, and I'll probably always have feelings because you're the sweetest kid I've ever met but I think we should stay friends even though I like you only because I like you better as a friend I just wanted you to know"

Why though? What is the point of "friend-zoning"? If we both like each other and it's clear we can be happy together, am I wrong to thing we are destined to at least end up dating?

You are wrong. (Please explain below) 7
You are correct. (Please explain below) 17
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Comments ( 12 )
  • dappled
    11 years ago

    It's nothing people do on purpose. It's psychology. I've have tried my level best to get out of the friend zone at times and, while it is possible, I've never managed it.

    Take it from me, it's much easier (for the both of you) to just accept it and be her friend.

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    • TerryVie
      11 years ago

      getting out of the friend-zone is nigh-impossible unless something seriously impacts the foundation.

      I know it's a cliche, but for me it's rather true...in my first conversation with a person, 15 minutes in, i know if i'd have sex with them or not.
      Maybe it's a combination of their smell, body language, the way they speak, that first impression...

      From that point, it can only go downhill. Just because i THINK a person would be a potential candidate does not mean i would put something in motion, or agree right away to spend the night with them.(though for one-night-stands, thats kinda...true)

      Anyway, if i was to meet up more often with that person, or develop a kind of friendly bond, that will NEVER, from experience, reinforce or spark a decision that i would have sex with them. The only thing happening to me is that people i would have initially said "yes" to, will turn into a "no" over time. There's a phase of "maybe" in-between, where how i feel that day, the amount of alcohol and the setting may sway decisions to either side, but once it's settled into "off" nothing short of massive changes will enable the "on" position again.

      For me it kind of sounds like she may have been interested at first, but you did not take that chance, instead got to "know her better", and manevoured yourself into friendzone-central that way as her spark may be gone. As for "why not more", it ain't feel right. Turning this into a relation would simply feel wrong. I can't explain it better, and i'm sorry for that. There's friends, and there's partners. Both are combined very seldom, and _IF_, then usually from a partner becoming a friend, not the other way round, and from what you tell, she doesn't sound like the friends-with-benefits kind of person.

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      • dappled
        11 years ago

        I think that's pretty much the perfect answer for the OP. That's exactly how I experience it from the other side of the situation (a man who has been friend-zoned). Although it's not something we men do as often, there are certain times we do and if someone persistently puts themselves forward as a sexual partner after you've decided they're never going to be one, it's just annoying, and pushes them even further into that zone.

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  • ccjigsaw
    11 years ago

    This is the part where you fight for her. She's probably worrying that if she starts dating you, and you guys break up, then you can't be friends anymore. She would rather have you as a friend, than potentially lose you forever from a relationship. Some part of her wanted you to know she likes you though. That indicates that she wants to be with you, but she needs convincing. Trust me, women are complicated. I am one. And I don't even get why I react to the things I do half the time :/ I guaruntee you she wants you to convince her that you guys should go out.

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      My advice is this: don't do that. I've been in the situation the girl you're talking about is in, and the guy kept pursuing me, and it was awful. He ended up harassing me endlessly, and I cut off contact with him.

      Women are different from each other, of course, but if it were me, I would want you to trust me when I say "no".

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  • MockingVenus
    11 years ago

    From the other end of the situation, I see what she means. She's afraid that even trying to date will mess up the balance you two have now.

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  • Kagean
    11 years ago

    Maybe she doesn't like you "in that way", but she doesn't want to be completely frank with you since it would be like a punch in the face.

    Some people just don't connect, and maybe that's what's happening to her, to your disadvantage. Some people just don't get past the friendzone because of that.
    I'm just speculating, but talk to her about it and be 110% honest with what you think and how you feel.

    May the force be with you!

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  • [email protected]
    11 years ago

    Love and Marriage

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  • Ldizzy1234
    11 years ago

    She probably thinks that once it all starts up... the label and all, everything will go to the shitter. So being friends is the safest way for you to stay together without any complications.

    But I agree with you. If you like someone, and you know for a fact that they like you too, you should just be with them. Maybe you could try talking to her about this. Tell her that you really want a chance outside of the 'friend zone'. Good luck!

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  • rekltalni
    11 years ago

    It's the result of the 10 year long liberation process. People have too many rights and are in general being told psychological BS about relationships and friendships. That's why girls in general act like they're some sort of self-terapeuts who know whats best for them and diagnose their social lives and come up with stupid things like friend zone and excuses just because they're bored.

    You are correct.

    People just have too much freedom to think about stupid things like whether or not to ruin the friendship for the sake of a relationship...how can that be ruining? Its an upgrade I say. And if you're not happy together you can always talk it out and stop dating, and be friends again...

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  • Sog
    11 years ago

    Try turning up the heat a little. You aren't going to get her by just asking to go out and then just accepting her answer when she says no. Start doing "more than friends" things without asking first and force her to react. If she still rejects you, then that's the end, but at least you gave it a shot.

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  • elbownoodles
    11 years ago

    The friend-zone fucking sucks. You should go out.
    The fact is, she is worried that dating will fuck up your friendship. But if you are such good friends, maybe it'll actually work out long term, and if not, you have the foundation to stay friends afterwards.
    If you never make a move, you'll always wonder what could have been and will regret it for years.

    It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

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