Stand up comedy anyone?

why did the chicken cross the road?

because it has no conception of roads and was walking in that direction.

A seal walks into a club…

Prepare yourselves!

A duck walks into a bar, and asks the barman.. 'Got any bread?'

The confused barman says 'no' the duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day the duck returns and asks 'got any bread?'

The barman says 'no the bar does not serve bread, never has served bread, and never will serve bread'
The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day the duck returns but before he can say anything, the barman yells 'listen duck! This is a bar! We do not serve bread! If you ask for bread again, I will nail your stupid beak to the bar!'

The duck then asks 'got any nails?'
Confused the barman replies 'no'

The duck then replies 'good! Got any bread?'

I was seeing this guy once........
Until they took my binoculars away.

I have a funny story that actually happened yesterday.

My friend (who I will call A) has been living at another friends (who I will call B) moms house.
A recently had a girlfriend for a week who is now hanging out with his other friends including B. A wants her to go away but she still hangs out at that house.
Yesterday B drove the girl somewhere and A was not happy about them hanging out. Later that day A saw B sitting in his car with someone in the driveway. A approached the car and yelled "get that fucking whore out of my house." It turned out B was actually sitting in his car with his mom. A has to find another place to stay now.

Dear glove compartments, get a new name, because NO ONE WEARS GLOVES ANYMORE

Fucking stickers man, they're EVERYWHERE!!!

How about that airline food?

So there was this guy with no teeth --we'll call him Noteeth-- Well he had this lady friend with no blender, she's Noblend.

The punchline is starving. Sorry.....
*Crickets*

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar....it was tense.

Go on then.

You first.

I just flew from Europe and man are my arms tired.
Nah, kidding. That's the lamest joke.

Got a couple of airline jokes. I like airplanes

Airplane to tower, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.
Tower (female) Nova 851, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.

In case of a sudden depressurization of the cabin, oxygen masks will deploy from the overhead to muffle your screams.

Q:Whats the difference between a jet engine and a flight attendant?
A: At the end of the flight the jet engine stops whining

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and God?
A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

Any horror fan will tell you that the reason zombies are so horrifying is that while one of them might be easy to avoid, hundreds of them swarming you is overwhelming. This may be true, but how scary is a monster if you need a hundred of them to be frightened? A hundred of ANYTHING is scary. A hundred accountants coming at me is certainly terrifying, but nobody's buying that video game. A hundred raccoons, a hundred school busses, a hundred mannequins, really, you name it, if there are 100 of something, I'm probably going to be scared of it. (Exception: rice.)

I was working the other day and also happened to have some flatulence. Just as I ripped some ass, my boss's hot son entered the store and, as dictated by Murphy's law, needs to pass right goddamn behind me. Talk about mortified. He is too nice of a guy to say anything, but ugh!! My friends got a good kick out of it at least.

So, a mathematician walks into a bar. He asks for ten drinks for each person at the bar.
The bartender says, "Now THAT, is an order of magnitude."

I always end up bombing.

French resistance.

I'll get my coat.

Most people don't realise that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

(Not my own - Jack Handey, also on a Nirvana song)

I was asked to do stand up at a dorm talent show in college but I chickened out and made an excuse because I was afraid of failure.

I love taking dumps in my pants

A black guy came in to the DMV today and asked if he could get dealer plates.

I JUST REALISED SOMETHING
The people that say the glass is half full or half empty are all idiots
ITS FULL
Half filled with air
Half filled with water
SO ITS FULL

IDIOTS.

So, a neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't tend to your kind around here."
The neutrino says, "I'm just passing through."

Lay down tragedy everybody.