Should it last this long?

I'm twenty now. When I was sixteen I had the only relationship I've had in my life. I'd known the girl as an acquaintance since I was eleven, and as a close friend since I was fourteen. It was a long distance relationship.

It lasted a record breaking six-ish months. She left me for an older man, citing my lack of self-esteem as the cause. We remained close friends, but despite this, I didn't take the rejection well. I botched a suicide attempt, and have to this day suffered from severe bouts of depression. Homicidal and suicidal impulses, self-mutilation, inability to function socially. Four years later, it's all still with me, and it still all focuses on her.

Meanwhile, I've become her 'guy friend', the one that every girl seems to have, the one that she turns to for comfort, support and advice when things go bad. She drops frequent hints that she wants to reconcile with me, even saying that she still loves me. She leads me on for months with this, until we have a fight or some new guy comes into her life, at which point I become a nonentity to her. That doesn't lead to good times.

It's been four years and I still cry frequently over losing her, over not being able to have her back, over the feelings of betrayal and inadequacy. When I say 'cry', I mean bawl all night, scream profusely, break things, hit things, hurt myself. I put my head through a wall once during one of these meltdowns. I used to use drugs to calm myself down, especially when I was afraid I might inflict permanent injury to myself. I don't have anymore drugs, and I don't want to use them.

She's the only person I've ever loved, the only one I've ever wanted, the only one I've ever had.

Should it have hurt this bad this long? Should it have hurt this bad in the first place?
It's been four years, it's getting worse again, and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm afraid.

Voting Results
27% Normal
Based on 64 votes (17 yes)
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Comments ( 25 )
  • TwoThumbs

    Yeah man... This is tough. I'm not a doctor...I'd bet none of these people posting are doctors either. But I am someone who's struggled in the past and I'm in a pretty great place right now and have been for years. Struggle...is what makes us stronger. Here's the problem with struggle....You have to fight through it. Sitting in it. Dwelling in it only makes it worse.

    First and foremost. You need to be in therapy. Second of all you need direction. You sound like a passionate guy and if you put that passion into something real something fun something meaningful...you can dig yourself out of the "hole" that you're in. You need to make a list of things you want to do..want to learn...want to accomplish. You need to do some things you've never done before....something that maybe you never thought you'd be able to do. That is the best way to build confidence. I promise.

    Next...I think the people above are probably saying the same thing but...the girl man. The girl is just where you are focusing your energy. You're focusing too much on her. Because you can't have her and because you have to be the friend on the side you're having this major struggle because you have so much energy invested in her. I personally can't want someone who doesn't want me back. I'm interested but when someone rejects me....or leaves me....it actually because pretty cathartic. Anyone that doesn't want me doesn't deserve me. I honestly feel that way. I'm a pretty lucky person...I'm married. I'm happy. But I was happy before I was married and that's what's important. I'm sure you've heard this before. You can't love someone else until you love yourself. It's cliche....but it's also very true. How can you expect someone else to love you until you're comfortable with yourself and love yourself?

    Honestly...the best advice I can give you is separate from the girl a little bit...go get some therapy. Start exercising....working out...and maybe take class at a local community college. Something you've always wanted. Learn Japanese, take an acting class, learn to bake, run a marathon. Learn to meditate (something that may have saved my life). Learn to love you. Learn what your true passions are. You're lack of focus is forcing you to focus one person instead of goals.

    Good luck.

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  • Avant-Garde

    You need to move on and find someone who really loves you. See a therapist because it's not a good thing to have homicidal and suicidal thoughts.

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  • ValidExcuse

    Damn bro thanks for the laugh....you're to old to still be in the emo kid phase..I would suggest losing your virginity then you won't really care who you are fvcking with...

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  • FatMan

    Fuck that bitch! Get over her, it's been 4 fucking years! If it makes you happier here's a website to help you out; pornhub.com

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  • MyWonderingMind

    This is normal, I feel like it should have gotten easier by now. The thing about it is that you can't keep talking to her and I know it's really hard.

    ignoring her could do one of two things.

    1. it could cut everything off and you could get all better.

    2. it could drive her crazy to the point that she knows your the one she wants to be with

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  • myself11

    1. Counseling. You are damaged, sir.
    2. Tell her! tell her you either want to be with her, or not be her friend. trying the in-between place rarely works (i've been on both sides of this one).
    3. If she still wants to be friends and you are willing to torture yourself, go back to counseling. you gotta make a decision and stick to it.
    good luck! hope it gets better :)

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  • anabolic19

    look i used to suffer from depression wheni was younger and the one thing i learned was to grow the fuck up and grow some balls now im never depressed cos i think fuck it lifes to short to waste it chasing one lass's arse plenty more fish in the sea mate take every day as it comes if you feel like you cant love again then dont just fuck, get some girl mates mess about have fun you dont have to get into a relationship

    look lifes to short to be feeling like this and you've already wasted 4 years of your life being a baby so tell her how you feel tell her its all or nothing that you want to be with her if she says no then move on leave her behind
    just never stop moving because when you stop you probably wont start again

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  • FREDFUCKFACE

    Sounds like you are a faggot! Get with the show and dump this bitch quick time! She's a hoe!

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  • enabled

    Nice. I felt like wtf when i read the first comments, but no. i know what you mean. im like that in a sense. i'm weird. cut your hands or something or punch windows and walls or use drugs - x, weed. whatnot.

    You lived without her before, you can do it again. If it helps, doing something completely impulsive worked for me. Throw myself in "awkward" situations and force myself to talk to other people. You can change your outlook. Don't be depressed, dude. I know how depression and anxiety feel. It sucks, but I'm sure you can do it.

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  • Gothicseagull

    Man, i felt the same way about a girl...after four years i started getting out into the world more often, and found some other people.I then found that,well, damn! there are other girls out there!Its still painfull to think about sometimes, but its better than screwing myself for the first girl i truly loved...find someone else.It hurts, and you'll never forget her, but there are others out there...good luck.

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  • Kristen1995

    Omg!.. thats so sad =( im sorry to say this but shes using you.. i think you should try to move on even though its hard because if you keep on your going to really hurt yourself! Think about it.. this is coming from a 14 year old.. and if i know thats way too much, then you really should consider moving on.. Please dont let her, keep bringing you down because im sure there is plenty of girls that would completely fall for you =) so cheer up and i hope everything gets better.. im here if you need someone to talk to.. =)

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  • KASHB

    I made an account just to tell you this.
    I feel like ive been there and done that, not to those extremes, but i know where your coming from.

    The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel, and how? Show her what you just wrote and talk it out.

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  • You need to grow up man get over it psycho man.Take it easy no bich is worth suidcide man get over it and grow a nut sack and get a new girl how can u only love her when u havent met every girl out there yet

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  • MapleSyrup

    Sweety, it may be hard but if she is the cause for you hurting this bad and hurting yourself i suggest breaking off all ties, at least for a while, perhaps until you take a liking to someone new. You sound like a very intelligent young man, please at least do this much for yourself.

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  • _Elise_

    You really did love her didn't you.

    I'd say it's normal especially because you've never had any other relationship and sound like the sensitive type to me.
    Well ... the thing is you will never ever spin your head around from what happened unless you take serious action. Namely - break up with her completely.
    I know that will hurt. But it's lots better to suffer a lot for a while and then be able to get on with your life, and find another girl to complete it.
    Yours is just slow agony and it really will end up bad if you don't stop seeing her. You have to get her out of your life - and anything that reminds you of her - at least until you prove yourself you can live without her.
    Tell her you need to think about things over over some period of time. I'm sure she'll understand. I mean, she dropped you like a piece of hot coal because of your "low self-esteem". And there are people in love that go through cancer together.
    Crime solved - not worth your time.

    You've been crying over her long ago. Let her go. All she does now is cause you more heartbreak with new lads, ignoring the fact you still feel for her, and giving you that awful false hope.
    Wrap it in a ribbon and send it back, my friend. It would also help if you just spilled your soul in front of her, tell her all you feel, even if you then ran for the heels. It sort of helps.

    You sound nice. And, well, you deserve someone proper. x

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  • WRYYYY

    Punchout her boyfriend
    Stick it in her pooper
    ?????
    Profit

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  • SUCKIT

    well she probably wants to be with other guys because they, unlike you, have penises

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  • bighairFrank

    She left you BECAUSE you have low self-esteem. She comes to you for comfort when she needs it and gives nothing back.
    That, my friend, is a self-centered bitch who doesn't know what's good for her. If she had some sense, she'd have stayed with you. If she had some honor, she would have at least made a clean cut and left you to your own devices.
    You should leave her to her men with more self esteem and hope she finds someone so self-confident he thinks he has a right to beat her when he thinks she deserves it. It should work out great for both of them.
    As for you, forget about her and find a lover more your speed. First love is special, and it's a shame it was wasted on some self-centered ho. Find someone who will respect you and appreciate you.
    And it wouldn't hurt to grow some balls too. It can be a thin line to tread, but you can have metaphorical brass balls without being an ass. Don't try to change yourself for the girl, though. Fucking forget her, you're too nice for her. Do it for yourself.

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  • Quests

    1 bad relationship doesn't call for suicide....Holdin hands an kissin cheeks spittin game is obsolete

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  • paigeakers

    well to me it seems like shes using you..
    i think you can do better i understand you were close but its just time to move on

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  • MermaidPrincess

    Your friend isn't a very good friend, unfortunately. If she was, she wouldn't keep leading you on knowing how much you love her and have done some very bad things to yourself to escape.

    First relationships are very special and hard to give up. She has moved on and so should you. Although it's hard it may be time to start distracting yourself with other things and try to go places you are comfortable where you might make new friends or meet someone else. You can volunteer or take some specialty classes like a book club or a ceramics class. I know all this is easier said than done, but it's worth giving it a shot. What you do is up to you, but if what you have been doing isn't working, then why not try something new?

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  • To long.

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  • Cranker

    Dude. You have low self-esteem. Obviously she isn't right for you. STOP punishing yourself because she isn't interested. You sound like you need to grow up a little. Move on and quit acting like a 3-year old throwing tantrums. I had a son who acted that way and I beat it out of him. We are best friends today. He is 26 now. Hook another girl before you get a concussion. Get over it!

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      -
    • Beat it out of him PMSL

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  • No you shouldnt get some fukn balls about you what is wrong with some people today youve had 1 relationship and it didnt work out get over it and go out and find another girl for fuck sakes. Do you think this is the only thing thats gonna go wrong in your life. If your not careful you will end up killing yourself or at least youll have a long lonely life. Man up now for fuck sake before its too late

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