Should it last this long?
I'm twenty now. When I was sixteen I had the only relationship I've had in my life. I'd known the girl as an acquaintance since I was eleven, and as a close friend since I was fourteen. It was a long distance relationship.
It lasted a record breaking six-ish months. She left me for an older man, citing my lack of self-esteem as the cause. We remained close friends, but despite this, I didn't take the rejection well. I botched a suicide attempt, and have to this day suffered from severe bouts of depression. Homicidal and suicidal impulses, self-mutilation, inability to function socially. Four years later, it's all still with me, and it still all focuses on her.
Meanwhile, I've become her 'guy friend', the one that every girl seems to have, the one that she turns to for comfort, support and advice when things go bad. She drops frequent hints that she wants to reconcile with me, even saying that she still loves me. She leads me on for months with this, until we have a fight or some new guy comes into her life, at which point I become a nonentity to her. That doesn't lead to good times.
It's been four years and I still cry frequently over losing her, over not being able to have her back, over the feelings of betrayal and inadequacy. When I say 'cry', I mean bawl all night, scream profusely, break things, hit things, hurt myself. I put my head through a wall once during one of these meltdowns. I used to use drugs to calm myself down, especially when I was afraid I might inflict permanent injury to myself. I don't have anymore drugs, and I don't want to use them.
She's the only person I've ever loved, the only one I've ever wanted, the only one I've ever had.
Should it have hurt this bad this long? Should it have hurt this bad in the first place?
It's been four years, it's getting worse again, and I don't know how to make it stop. I'm afraid.