Should i leave my traumatized boyfriend?

19 Comments

Around a year ago, my boyfriend’s dad lost his job, and couldn’t find a new one, so their only choice was to go to another state to move in with his aunt and her husband. The thing is, her husband had a considerably long criminal record already and, for the time they shared the same house (10 months, I think), he abused my boyfriend both physically and psychologically and I have the impression he was also raped, but I can’t be sure.

His parents and aunt knew about it, but pretended not to, because they really had nowhere else to go, and they probably were trying to fool themselves because it was easier that way.

Thank goodness it’s all over now, but my boyfriend is terribly messed up. He’ll break down constantly, but if I try to comfort him, he’ll push me away and yell at me; he has shown some symptoms of depression (like fatigue and lack of appetite, apart from the psychological symptoms), but naturally refuses to see a doctor about it and he has already tried suicide twice.

We’ve been friends since middle school and have been dating for three years now. I’ve always tried to be there for him when he needed me and I love him to bits, but right now I feel like it’s too much for me to handle and that I’m not helping with anything, maybe only making it all worse.

So, I’ve considered breaking up and trying to forget him, but as much as I think that might be better for me, at least, I’m pretty sure I’d feel like the most terrible person in this planet. On the other hand, if I stand by him, I think it’ll be pretty self-destructive for me…Well, I really don’t know what to do, or what kind of solution could work for both of us. Help, please?

Yes, leave him (please comment.) 26
No, don't leave him (please comment.) 51
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Comments ( 19 )
  • dinz
    11 years ago

    I completely understand your urges to leave him.

    However I suggest you tell him that he needs to either seek help or face the prospect of you leaving him. You should tell him that how is this affecting you and your relationship. Some people just need a jack start to get them to see beyond thru the trauma to see that light at end of that dark tunnel he is in now.

    I wish you the best.

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    • dinz
      11 years ago

      Oh yeah I refrained from the poll - I believe you two will need to get a proper bearing on your long term plans for your relationship.

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    • Mmmpfh
      11 years ago

      This is perfect actually.
      I've been in this situation, but where I was the one in a depression. It was in a young relationship aswell. Once I was confronted with the prospect of being left over it all I realised what I had to do and bettered myself.
      In your situation I would say this heavily depends on how long he's been stuck in this traumatic depression aswell. It will be difficult, incredibly difficult, but he needs to be confronted on this.

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    • Venchen
      11 years ago

      I agree with dinz.

      You shouldn't leave him like that, but tell him how you feel about it all. Just leaving him could very well "finish him off" completely.
      In my circle of friends there has been such a situation, too. My best friend had depressions, and when her boyfriend found out it became too "stressful" for him and he wanted to break up. She begged him to stay with her, and even threatened to kill herself if he leaves (I know this kind of blackmailing isn't right, but she was MENTALLY ILL!!). But he left just like that. After that she tried to jump off a bridge and ended up in closed intitution :( Unlike you her boyfriend was a heedless jerk and all of it just happened because of him. I understand if he didn't want a relationship with her anymore, but you can't just leave a suicidal person alone! He could at least have insisted her receiving a therapy...

      So, even if you're going to leave him, at least make sure he will be okay/will have a therapy

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  • Suomiman
    11 years ago

    You should stay. Your love and support might be his only chance of recovering. Good luck, Comrade.

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  • SEWnanist23
    11 years ago

    Does He still treasure You? Or does he care less about you since he's gotten ill? Do you still treasure him?

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  • HugeJohnson
    11 years ago

    Tell him to grow a pair and then go bang his best friend. He's supposed to be the man in the relationship, not the woman. Men crying... lol

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      How about you grow a brain and stop being so ignorant instead?

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      • HugeJohnson
        11 years ago

        Being ignorant is more fun.

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  • plum6
    11 years ago

    I agree with most of the previous responses. It is noble and sweet of you to want to support him. You really do seem to love the guy, which is obviously great for the both of you.

    However, I also believe that the experiences and situations one goes through and encounter in life will often have a very strong influence in how the personality and way of thinking of a person develops.

    What I am trying to say that even though supporting him and trying to mend his issues obviously seems to be 'the right thing' to do. However, you have to consider that he might not ever be that same guy you initially fell in love with.

    I would say that at one point you will have to be tough on him. Either he will set aside his issues and start putting all his energy into the relationship and its future, or you will simply not be able to fit into his depressed and negative lifestyle anymore. Be open with him about the fact that you are fed up with the antics, it might even motivate him to leave his past behind him. Even though his behaviour is not his fault, you certainly should not have to suffer for it.

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  • FocoUS
    11 years ago

    It's really hard to date someone with depression especially when you want to help but they don't want it.

    Right now it seems like he doesn't need a girlfriend but he does need a really good friend. And you two have been friends since middle school. Whether you stay his girlfriend or not DON'T leave him.

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  • dfsq
    11 years ago

    Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds. If you love him, you should stand by him at his worst and not only during good times.

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  • Wüstenfuchs
    11 years ago

    I'm sorry, and I don't mean to come off as an ass or anything, but if he's refusing treatment, there's only so much you can do for him. Wanting to stay and see him through his self-destruction is noble and all, but (in my opinion) you still have yourself to take into consideration. His trauma affects you as well, and you also need to take care of yourself. :/ If I were in such a situation, I would leave and leave him the prospect that I might still be available if he was proactive in getting his life back together. I feel you'd just be hurting yourself staying at his side.

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  • VioletTrees
    11 years ago

    Try to support him and get him help, preferably therapy that both of you can participate in. Even if he doesn't want to go into couple's therapy, you should get therapy for yourself to help you deal with the situation. While you're helping him, don't neglect yourself. It will take more than 10 months for him to get through this. If you don't have professional help already, you need to get it for both of you.

    That said, you aren't obligated to stay in a romantic relationship. If the relationship becomes abusive, he refuses professional help (unless it's for financial reasons that will be resolved), or your health is suffering appreciably (including your mental health), it's reasonable to consider leaving. It sounds awful, but the fact is, you're not responsible for him. It's not your job to put him back together. That's a wonderful thing to do, but you have to take care of yourself first. You can't help other people if you don't take care of yourself. It's not healthy to stay in a relationship just for the other person.

    Basically, don't leave just because it's unpleasant, but if you really think you're going to end up self destructing if you stay, then I think you should seriously consider leaving. Staying and self destructing won't help anybody.

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  • UhhhOK
    11 years ago

    I have been into some terrible sichuations living with my father, an the trauma after is still affecting me. My fiance now, is helping me through everything even tho I can be the biggest jerk on the planet. He needs you. I understand your feelings and that you need to do what's right for you too, but to just "leave and forget" about him will really kill.
    Try a medium for yuo both?

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      Do you mean a "medium" as in a therapist to help with negotiations, or "medium" as in a spiritual medium? Because she absolutely should not get a spiritual medium to help with this.

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      • UhhhOK
        11 years ago

        I ment medium as in, a happy middle ground for the relationship or a compromise so to speak. A therapist would be great as well

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  • Ryan556
    11 years ago

    Also If you leave him it could actially make it worse how knows how he'll feel after you brake up with him

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  • Ryan556
    11 years ago

    Poor him well it is best if he sees a doctor maybe he needs comfort abviously he is sycalogicaly scared of him you have to help him forget him or he could comet suicide for real try to not mention him throw away the pictures everything you can

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