Should i just leave.

10 Comments

For years I'd always imagined of running away from my current life, just picking up and leaving. I want to travel by foot, doubt I'll carry thing. And no, I'm not stupid in romantiicizing it - I know it won't be fun nor pleasant, it will be hard, I'll be scared and alone with nothing to use as a crutch...but recently I've been wanting to do it.

Suicide is on my brain 24/7. No matter how hard I try, the distractions I come up with just don't last. This was the first year I've self harmed and its happened twice. I have never done this before. I think Im being pushed to my limit, I really can't stand doing this. Part of me doesn't want to die, which is why abandoning everything I've had now is my only other option. That, or stay here until I crack. Death and various methods have been on my mind, but when I fancy the thought of running away...it gives me some sort of sliver of hope.

So, what do you think. Should I do it? I've been thinking about it for so long. Yes, it's INCREDIBLY selfish of me - but in life, ask anyone who knows me. I never ask for anything unless I really want it, and I rarely ever want anything anyways.

I hate myself, I want to toughen myself up. It's either death or giving a big "fuck you" to society and just leaving my current spot. I plan on looking for a job(s) along the way, whatever they are. I don't do any form of drugs, drinking, etc., so while I'm still a waste of space, I won't be a TERRIBLE waste of space.

So, follow my desires, or see how long I last before offing myself? These thoughts occur on a daily basis, I am not kidding you.

Serious answers, please. If you want to try to be funny save it for another time. Thank you.

Yes, do what you want 20
No, stick with what's going on 6
Other (comment) 3
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Comments ( 10 )
  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    Do what you want or what is best for you. But you should plan out what your going to do, where your going to go. Maybe save up alot of money before going. Whats so bad about your current life?

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    • ㅤㅤㅤ
      9 years ago

      Yeah, I mean I've thought about this for 2 years but I was probably too young to think realistically back then - I'm aware of the consequences and hardships now, though.

      And nothing wrong, I just can't explain it. The people in my life are perfect, it's just...me. I hate me. I can't stand me, everything I do messes something up and I want to run away to grow up, toughen up, be free, etc.

      I'm never sure what I want but, this and suicide are really the only things occupying my brain.

      Sorry for being a pain in the ass, haha.

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  • disthing
    9 years ago

    You can't run away from your problems, especially when they are internal.

    Your depression won't necessarily disappear, nor your comorbid suicidal and self harming urges.

    Same shit, different town.

    That said, by all means leave if you think it'll help break whatever cycle of life you're in. Forcing a change in direction can be a very sensible decision if the current path you're walking has brought you nothing good; if you hate your job, your friends, your routine etc. there's no harm in trying to improve your life by getting out of there.

    Just don't expect to feel any better about yourself. Those emotional issues, whilst exacerbated by external factors, are things you still need to learn to cope with.

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    • ㅤㅤㅤ
      9 years ago

      Well, I'll see how long I last whether I leave or not. I'm running out of healthy coping methods and I'm starting to not care, I'm trying to be strong but this year has really pushed me to my limit.

      I could try it out and it may work for me, it may not. Ehhh.

      Thank you for your answer, I doubt my depression and suicidal urges would magically go away too, but I won't know unless I try.

      I just wish I could think clearly.

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      • disthing
        9 years ago

        Often death is viewed as an 'escape', so it makes sense that you want to run away - it's another method of escape.

        You obviously have an overwhelming desire to be somewhere and something else, and what you are and where you are now is utterly depressing for you.

        But death isn't an escape, it's an end. You're not escaping life, you're ending life. You're not moving from one place to another, you're ceasing consciousness. All there is after suicide is nothing. Not a pleasant, comforting nothing, not the nothing you get when you turn the light out in a room. You can't enjoy nothing. You can't experience the relief or the freedom from suffering that nothing brings. You are here one moment, gone the next. Nothing.

        So if it's between nothing and running away, choose running away. Because at least in a new place, with new people, you might find SOMETHING, you might feel SOMETHING, and even fleeting happiness is worth struggling for.

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        • ㅤㅤㅤ
          9 years ago

          Is it strange that it sounds comforting to me, though? I love the people in my life, I'm the only consistent factor that's ruining my own life. I feel like a burden and a disappointment.

          My mind is cluttered, foggy, and confused much of the time, so the thought of it all "ending" sounds pretty relaxing to me.

          Still as I said, I don't know what the hell I want. I guess I just want to find out what I want, and death = being put to rest and running away = hopefully finding out what exactly I WANT.

          Thank you for everything, really. You're a really great speaker/writer. Thank you for putting it in the way that it did, I'm sorry it was wasted on me because I feel like this is a comment many people should see. Would it be alright if I screencapped that as a reminder?

          Again, thanks friend.

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          • disthing
            9 years ago

            You're welcome. It wasn't wasted on you, it was for you.

            I, along with plenty of people on this site, have had issues with depression and self-harm. I got as far as writing a suicide note. I know some people here have gone further than that.

            We're our own worst enemies, but we're also our greatest friends. We are as capable of dragging ourselves out of the mire as we are of stepping off a bridge.

            There's that poem - Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas. It's for his father who was dying, and it's a plea not to give up, not to let the seemingly unconquerable shadow of death quell his father's passion for life.

            "...And you, my father, there on the sad height,
            Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
            Do not go gentle into that good night.
            Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

            We have to fight for life, we have to struggle, because it is the single most valuable possession we have. It can be hard and it can be painful, but it can be wonderful and it can be joyous. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

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  • geronimo1966
    7 years ago

    the person who spoke to you was so observant. Are you there?

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  • Freedom_
    9 years ago

    <3

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    • ㅤㅤㅤ
      9 years ago

      I appreciate the heart, but I'm curious, what's it for?

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