Should i ignore my feelings and save the relationship, or break up?

3 Comments

I am in a relationship of three years, we are both in our early 30s. I am very emotionally attached to her and the thought of breaking up makes me physically ill, but at the same time, the relationship has endlessly stressed me out to the point of exhaustion and even deep depression. I used to be deliberately single, enjoying the perks of single independence, and decided I would "try a relationship" to see if I could mute the side of me that wanted to be single and enjoy the freedom to flirt (or more) with whomever I wanted.

I have not been able to successfully mute that side of me. I want to sleep with every attractive woman I see and the urges are driving me mad. I won't act on them, I just suppress them every day, every hour, every minute. Some friends of mine who have gotten married have said, "You just have to ignore that. It'll never go away, and it sucks, but you have to ignore it, for her. For the relationship." Attempting to ignore this side of me has resulted in a deepening depression, and feelings of resentment on my behalf.

Half of me wants to say "you have to do what is best for you" which is break up. The other half insists that her needs are more important than my own, and it would be selfish and terrible to break up simply because I have my own problems.

Should I have to ignore the instinctive part of me that wants every woman that I think is attractive in order to save the relationship, or should we break up?

Stay Together 3
Break Up 12
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Comments ( 3 )
  • ViolentKitty
    7 years ago

    Everyone, male or female, get or have at some point gotten this urge. I love my boyfriend but that does't mean I never meet some hot guys that I'd love to have an awesome one night stand with. BUT, I value my relationship with him more than having a fling or some fun. And honestly, women get far more opportunities than men in the sex department, so I'm sure your GF has turned some guys down along the path.

    It's up to you though..only you would know if she's worth it to you or not. If you did leave her, would you feel okay with her banging another guy that valued and treated her better than you ever have?

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    • DogTown13
      7 years ago

      Yeah, actually. If she had someone that wanted to commit to exclusively her and cater to her needs for the rest of her life, I imagine she would be better off, and I would rather see her in that situation than continually trying to make it work with me, someone who obviously doesn't want a relationship.

      I think it's dangerous that people choose to commit to each other and forcefully reject their body and biology's urges. I believe this can cause dramatic psychological dissonance that leads to other problems. It sounds like that's how many marriages end up being unhappy. They just stick together because they "have to" after awhile, resenting each other, never having sex, never caring about each other. Just sticking together because society insists that they do.

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      • ViolentKitty
        7 years ago

        Well, with that comment it seems like you already have your mind made up. If she's not the person you can fully commit to, physically and mentally, then maybe it's time for you to move on and stop wasting your time along with hers.

        I don't think commitment is dangerous at all. I've never had an urge strong enough to cheat on my boyfriend. It's merely just admiring someone's aesthetics and and just imagining momentarily. I'm 150% happy in my relationship all the way around. I can't picture ever having another boyfriend, but I do see whee you're coming from. It almost sounds like you feel deprived. I feel like when you meet the "one", nothing would come before making your relationship work, making some sacrifices, and resisting temptations along the way. I do wish you the best though in whatever decision you make.

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