Sex with cousin

This is something that I usually have at the back of my mind and has been eating away at me for some time. I apologize now on how sick it may seem, anyway I shall begin... my older cousins used to visit my family and I now and again during Summer break, during In one particular occasion when I was 9 years old my older female cousin suggested we played a 'game'. Where we pretended to be 'husband and wife', she convinced myself and her brother (my other cousin) to participate in sex. I guess I had an idea of what sex was at the age, anyway my cousin and I ended up having sex (or what I think was close to it). I'm not to sure if I've blocked the details of it over the years, I didn't think anything of it at the time and on numerous occasions during their visit she tried to get me to participate in those acts again. For reasons which I'm not sure of he got some kind of (excuse my explicit details) rash on his penis and I decided not to play the 'game' anymore. As the years went by I started to think maybe with the per pressure from my older cousin it is almost related to abuse. It makes me feel disgusting sometimes and kinda wary of men, I'm 25 now and I feel kinda dirty at times. Even though I was a kid and didn't know exactly what I was doing, I feel kinda cheated because I would have liked to have experienced (sex, if it even was) with someone who cares about me. I haven't had a long term relationship yet and it's silly but I still kinda class myself as a virgin. I wish I could erase those feelings and that experience but I can't, I fear that one day I'm going to be with someone I really care about and will always remember the stupid thing I did when I was young. This story probably doesn't make sense, but I guess I wondered if anyone else has had this kind of experience and how they have coped with it.