Sex when your partner is not in the mood

17 Comments

If your partner was not in the mood for sex and if there was NO chance that he or she could be interested in having sex that day, would you want to have sex with them despite their lack of interest and persuade them just to do it?

In other words, would you want to have sex with your partner even if he or she wasn't into it at all or would you rather not have sex that day if he or she wasn't into it at all?

I'd want to have sex despite their lack of interest (I'm female)	6
I'd rather not have sex that day (I'm female)	7
I'd want to have sex despite their lack of interest (I'm male)	5
I'd rather not have sex that day (I'm male)	7

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Comments ( 17 )

shade_ilmaendu

11 years ago

I would rather not have sex, because I am not a rapist.

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- Naamah
  
  11 years ago
  
  The original poll question says: "... PERSUADE them just to do it" - that is why it wouldn't be a rape, it's a common reality of the relationships in which one of the partners has much higher sex drive that the other. It is sad that couples can be so incompatible when it comes to their sexual desire that the only way to have sex may be to persuade the other just to do it but I am sure that all (or at least most) of them would prefer if their partner was as eager to have sex as they are and such persuasion of their partner who is not into it would not be necessary at all.
  
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  - shade_ilmaendu
    
    11 years ago
    
    There is more than one question there, I was going on the bottom paragraph I suppose. Still, I wouldn't even persuade them, it's still wrong to pressure someone to do something they don't want to do. I guess I'm just lucky and have never really had that problem, or if I did I just wasn't that bothered by it.
    
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    - Naamah
      
      11 years ago
      
      Of course, to pressure someone to do something they don't want to do is not the best experience - and I dare to say that it feels bad for both partners.
      Everybody usually forgets about the other part of the problem. Nobody usually asks if it isn't wrong to ignore their partner's needs and leave them frustrated.
      The debate what is right and what is wrong is not so simple. If we take into consideration the amount of "suffering" partners with very different sex drives might experience it is a completely different problem.
      Generally, people think that the less suffering people experience, the better it is.
      A small analysis of the situation of sexually incompatible partners says:
      - the amount of "suffering" in case of having sex: 10 minutes for the person with lower libido
      - the amount of "suffering" in case of not having sex: 24/7 untill they have sex for the partner with higher libido
      
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      - shade_ilmaendu
        
        11 years ago
        
        I guess I just don't see it as that big a deal. Yeah I'd be horny but there are other outlets, and sex is very far from a need.
        
        I'd rather go to my room and just fap it than have sex with someone who wasn't really interested in doing it, and I feel like there's a pretty high likliehood of the other person ending up resenting you if you're persuading them to do something they really didn't want to.
        
        I do remember one situation I had with an ex, I was feeling really unnattractive and just wanted him to touch me and hold me a little... he wouldnt even hug me cause I guess he was pissed I felt that way and I grabbed him and tried to get in his lap... he said I assaulted him. :x Maybe that's why I feel the way I do about this, I dunno.
        
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Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

11 years ago

if he wasn't in the mood i'd let it drop.

after all if i wasn't in the mood and he pressed the issue... well that wouldn't be right either, no?

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dom180

11 years ago

Trying to persuade someone who doesn't want sex into having sex would only serve to annoy them, not arouse them. If you want someone to have sex with you you've got to turn them on not convince them, and if they're not in the mood then they're not in the mood. Go masturbate in the bathroom or something.

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- Naamah
  
  11 years ago
  
  You are right that trying to persuade someone who doesn't want sex into having sex may only annoy them, not arouse them. However, partners in a couple have very different sex drives sometimes and it is not possible to turn the partner with lower libido on as often as the other partner would need. Let's say that the partner with lower libido wants sex maximally once a month and the partner with higher libido needs it twice a day. Your comment seems to suggest that in case which I described the couple should have sex only once a month (because one of the partners is not in the mood more often) and the partner with higher sex drive has to deal with it - "masturbate or something" 59 times a month. Is it what you suggested in your comment? Do you think that a partner with higher sex drive has always comply and the couple shoud do what the partner with lower sex drive wants?
  
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  - dom180
    
    11 years ago
    
    "Do you think that a partner with higher sex drive has always comply and the couple shoud do what the partner with lower sex drive wants?"
    
    Yes, I do.
    
    Although I also think the person with the higher sex drive is will within their rights to break up with the other person if they're not at all happy.
    
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    - Naamah
      
      11 years ago
      
      It is quite sad that you think that it is all right if the relationship and solutions to problems in the relationship are completely one-sided - if the needs of one partner are met 100 %, but the needs of the other one almost never. Using the example I suggested to illustrate the principle - it means that the percentage of times the partners should comply is 0 % for one of them and 98.3 % for the other one.
      Can you imagine how you would feel if the amount of sex you had in your relationship was only 1/60 of your needed amount and the rest of times you were rejected?
      
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smittyknowsstuff

11 years ago

I would want to have sex,because if i was in her situation i would

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Terence_the_viking

11 years ago

When i want to have sex my wife knows it and even if she is not in the mood she will still do it with me but its not as enjoyable.

On the other hand when i am not in the mood she always manages to get me in the mood.

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quentari

11 years ago

I persuade my boyfriend, but there's still a difference between him telling me "not today" and "No", something about the way he tells me he doesn't want to have sex lets me know it's okay for me to randomly suck him off till he wants to have sex, and when he'd just push me away for trying...

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Naamah

11 years ago

Does anybody know why 13 out of 24 comments have disappeared? The discussion was a bit controversial but definitely interesting and I liked it. It is a pity :(

I wonder if the censorship is so serious on IIN or if some users just deleted their comments and that is why such a big part of this thread is not here or if some haters couldn't stand what was written here and reported comments or...

I have noticed that none of the OP's comments is displayed. Hey, what is going on here???

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  11 years ago
  
  dom180 decided to delete his or her comments and so also my comments which I wrote as replies to his/her posts disappeared.
  All I can do is post my comments again - I will not post his/her comments because he changed his/her mind and decided to remove them but I did not change my mind and I still think the same as I expressed in my comments.
  To other users: Please, ignore this long copy of my comments because my comments do not make much sense without the context. The basic context was that dom180 denied that there is such a thing as "sexual needs" and he tried to persuade me that I do not need sex just because he does not need sex. My comments were:
  
  Medical dictionary confirms that there is such a thing as sexual needs: "Physiologic Needs. These are the needs that are essential for the maintenance of biological homeostasis and the survival of the individual and the species. They include needs for oxygen, water, food, elimination of wastes, temperature regulation, avoidance of pain, rest and sleep, exercise and sex. " Of course, some people do not have these needs, nowadays they try to be labelled as "asexuals" but this is a different topic. As OP, I wanted to be impartial but I could not resist the urge to let you know that you use the word sexual needs correctly. By the way, I admire your courage and enthusiasm you put into your efforts to discuss this topic with users who do not have any sexual needs. Thanks for all your comments here, you have started an interesting discussion. ***
  
  How can you say that it is not essential to my happiness? Lol...Please, do not assume that I do not have any sexual needs just because you do not have any. Moreover, in many articles it is legitimate to speak or write about emotional needs, needs for intimacy, needs for privacy, educational needs etc...and people would survive without these things which does not disclassify these things from the list of needs. Of course, not everyone has the same needs, there are many people who suffer from sexual dysfunctions, arousal disorders (no offence please, but these diagnosis exist in medical science) but I hope that this is not a reason why these people should re-write official scientific definitions of physiologic, psychological or emotional needs. If you do not have any sexual needs, it is perfectly OK, if you and your partner are satisfied, no harm is done, so there is no need to feel bad about it. I am not trying to persuade you that you HAVE sexual needs, so please do not try to persuade me that I do NOT have sexual needs just because you do not have them. The example of killing is just laughable, I guess I do not have to comment on this point. It might just illustrate your sexual aversion when the first thing that comes to your mind when speaking about sexual needs is killing... If you suffered any traumatic experience, it is very understandable and also very natural that you associate these two things or that you do not have sexual needs at this stage of your life but then again I doubt that your personal feelings might be used as a valid standard to decide whether it is justifiable to use the term sexual needs. Definitely it is not OK if you think that you can KNOW whether I have such needs.
  ***
  to be continued
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    11 years ago
    
    partII
    Note: the definition is from medical dictionary, and there is no reason to suppose that everybody has these needs, some people have sexual dysfunctions and these people do not have sexual needs. I wrote about them also in my previous comment. I do not want to say that you are dysfunctional (some doctors would probably say so but definitely not me based on our online discussion here) - I just want to say that some people, probably healthy people can have sexual needs. The term sexual needs is widely used in medical and psychological field, along with other needs such as emotional needs etc.. I agree with you that if my sexual needs cannot be fulfilled, I can masturbate. The same goes for emotional needs: if I am in prison and my emotional and social needs are deprived, I can still write poems, but it does not mean that it is wrong to speak about the frustration of emotional and social needs in prison. And sexual needs as well. By the way, I am not in prison and I am completely satisfied with my sexual life because my girlfriend has sexual needs, so do I, and we can fulfil them to our mutual satisfaction. It may be surprising, but really, my girlfriend and I HAVE sexual needs, we have also emotional needs and other needs which some individuals do not have - it does not mean that these individuals should have the right to re-write the dictionaries.
    To your last question: it would seriously harm my well-being. My question: what would happen if you had sex with your partner even if you were not in the mood? Would you really suffer such a big trauma if you had to satisfy the needs of your girlfriend? To the rest of your post: you can try to give your suggestion to scientific community, maybe they will change their mind and they will take asexuals as the new norm for the new millenium. As I said in my previous post: I DO NOT say you are dysfunctional. This should be decided by professionals and definitely not online. But I am fully convinced that if my partner had the same level of sexual desire as you, then our relationship would be dysfunctional. It is perfectly OK if you are happy with your sexless relationship if your girlfriend does not need to have sex with you. It would trouble me if I was in your shoes but if you are OK with it, then everybody is happy. As for "universally" - of course hunger is physiological need and still there are people who have anorexia or other eating disorders which does not mean that hunger is not a need.
    
    /To Naamah: Again, it does not make much sense without the whole context but when you asked about my comments I decided to post them here so that you could read my answers which disappeared because of dom180´s decision to delete his posts. However, you were an active participant in this discussion, so you have the right to know how I continued the discussion which was started by you in this thread./
    
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    - Naamah
      
      11 years ago
      
      Thanks for posting your comments, I really appreciate it! Fortunately, I can remember quite a lot from the discussion so your posts make sense to me. I am glad that what you wrote has not disappeared forever and your comments are here for others as well despite the fact that dom180 decided to delete some of his comments. Of course, I cannot object to that because it is his privacy and details from his personal life. Moreover, as far as I can remember those comments, I don't wonder that he doesn't feel very comfortable with sharing the information about his sex drive and relationship.
      
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Sex when your partner is not in the mood