Sex is stifling my growth as a person

every time I'm around some girl I think is worth my while. I get this defeatist attitude. like haha remember last time. I wanted a girl remember, How she died after I lost all that weight and I didn't get my chance. remember all that pain and strife and effort. that I put in myself to be good enough, and now how i never will be for any one. That's literally what goes through my head when I think about making a move on a girl and its getting worse. I want it to be a girl i like.I'm 21 and It's unbearable just hearing everyone i know getting laid, getting a blow jobs, or getting eaten out. I'm just like a deer in the headlights thinking. "wow I've never kissed a girl I've never felt a girl up". It hits me every day when i wake up. I'm 21 the most sexual thing I've done is cuddling hugging on top of that I'm obsessed with a dead girl. I feel even worse About it cause it validates the consensus on me. Which is "he's just a weird fuck up that no one wants around". I'm working hard to get out of this place. I'm working 2 jobs. Saving up to go anywhere else but, I'm worried my sexual anxiety will never leave. I know I'm not normal but I'm wondering what it would take to get there. How do I tell someone I'm a virgin and them not laugh at me even. When I say I'm a virgin. Dudes like to make me feel like dirt, and girls see me a some teddy bear for their guy problems. I just want to be taken seriously. Last year after the girl who I was in pursuit of died. I felt so insecure about sex. I became a compulsive liar. it's just i didn't want to be grieving some girl who never fucked me. Sex and kissing were the few things we didn't do. we were close. It was a brother sister relationship in reality. I just wanted more than that. I didn't know how to ask for it then, and I still don't. I don't know what to say, who to be, how to be smooth. Yeah sure I'm funny but funny just makes me look desperate. I'm not angry that other people are enjoying their lives it's just I'm tired of my role I hate it I want people to see me as a man. I want to see myself as a man. I want people to not run away from me. I want to be secure in myself. I want to cut off all ties with my family, the city. I just want to get past it I'm tired of feeling lesser than others. That's really what it comes down to I think. I think I don't deserve someone who loves me as I am. so I run away from the truth making it impossible to ever get to know me. I'm ashamed of who I am and the only person who ever told me not to be is dead. Now all I can hear is the taunting, teasing ,humiliation, embarrassment. The you'll never find someone who truly loves you. It's all in my head and I can't help but listen to them. Oh well