Seeing someone else as a father figure

Sorry cause this is so long. For the most part, I just wanted to share this while being somewhat anonymous -- just cause. But, hearing what other people think would be great too.

It's father's day and I'm kind of feeling down about it. It's weird to say but I have someone that I consider as a father figure, but it sometimes stings to remember that I'm technically not part of his family. I want to tell him happy father’s day, but I don’t know if that would be weird.

For context, I grew up outside of the US. My dad wasn't the best dad, we don’t have that great of a relationship because he’s really hurt many people in my family in the past. I have always told myself if I wanted to be a good person, I should be the exact opposite of him. I never thought of him as a father figure and for a long time I thought that I don't need a father figure. My mom was very hardworking and amazing and I thought that was enough.

Midway through high school I had the opportunity to go directly to a community college in the US and finish up high school at the same time, and so I did. I was too young to live on my own though and was required by law to live with a host family.

The first person from my host family that I ever met was my host Dad, Derek (not his real name, but just to make things easier to follow). He worked at the college I attended, and he would drive me to campus everyday. We got to know each other from those car rides. It didn't take long for me to really settle in. He’s a very welcoming person, he loved introducing me to people and tried to make me feel included. He also has a son who is an only child, let’s call him Jordan. Jordan’s about a year younger than me. At first, we were pretty silent with each other but eventually became like brothers. He’s even admitted to seeing me as a brother and I responded saying that I feel the same way. I already have two other siblings, so I imagine it meant more to him than the other way around. But I really do care for him nonetheless.

Anyway, I started noticing Derek’s relationship with his family -- in particular, his relationship with Jordan. I couldn’t help but to feel somewhat left out. They have a great relationship and Derek loves talking about Jordan. He treats me somewhat similarly. It might just be the cultural difference but it felt nice to get asked about my day and to have somewhat deep conversations with him. It certainly wasn’t something my dad bothered talking to me about. Aside from that, he is compassionate. He’s the kind of person that would pull over at the side of the road to get a lost puppy and return it to its home, the kind of person who would apologize for being late to be back home because a student came to his office needing help with a housing emergency, and the kind of person that likes to reflect on how he can be a better person and better serve his community. I get really inspired by him, and strive to be at least half the man he is.

I started to really get involved on campus and would gain recognition for some achievements. I could only think that he was proud of it because he would sometimes talk about me to his colleagues. People started to associate me with him, and some people even thought I was his son. We both thought it was weird at first, especially because we were of different races. But overtime, I started to feel happy about it because to be seen as a resemblance of someone I admired so much through my actions and character really touched me.

Throughout my time living in his house, I got closer to him and his family to the point where some people in his extended family also saw me as family. They would make jokes that I’m an adopted family member. But I’ve never really heard these jokes come from him specifically, it always came from other members of the family, so I’m curious about how he sees me.

While this was going on, my relationship with my family throughout these years became a bit strained. I would visit my family about once a year, and we would end up having the biggest fights we’ve had as a family in those short periods of time. Arguments and secrets from the past would come to light until my siblings and I started to develop a feeling of numbness towards our dad. This only made my attachment to my host family even stronger. My family knows that I love my host family and they’re forever grateful that my host family also cares about me. But, sometimes I feel guilty of how close I am to them.

I lived with them for a total of three years -- practically until I graduated with my high school diploma. I applied to transfer to many universities and was accepted to my dream school, which happened to be his alma mater as well. He got me some swags when I got accepted and was happy for me. The summer I graduated from my community college, I went back home to visit my family. I came back to their place some time in august for a couple of days to pack up and say my farewells. The sad thing was I never really got to properly say goodbye. He was only there on my first day back and had to leave the next day for a work trip. The night before he left, we talked a little bit and ended with a farewell hug. I really wanted to say “I love you” to him, in a son to father type of way, but I didn’t. The day I left, I was supposed to bid farewells in the morning to my host mom and Jordan before they left the house, but I overslept. I regret oversleeping to this day.

I flew to my college as it was in a different state. When I arrived at the airport, it was midnight. I was exhausted from a long day of flight delays and cancellations and was ready to find the nearest inn to stay for the night. As I was waiting for my luggage, I turned on my phone and noticed that there was a text from Derek. He said, “Don’t get overwhelmed. Remember you belong there and you will own that town by the time you are done.” I look back at that message anytime I doubted myself and felt out of place in the university.

Ever since then, we would talk once every several weeks. He’s the person I go to for advice and the person I feel I could trust. Sometimes, I don’t know whether to love or hate the idea of having met Derek because he made me realize what I was missing out on by making me feel the love of a father. He taught me not only how to not be like my dad, but how to be a great person and husband (from the way he treats my host mom). I hope he knows that he changed me.