Secret male friend

12 Comments

HI, I had a meeting get canceled at work and went home early to see my wife's truck at a house I didn't recognize. I asked her about her day later and she didn't bring it up so, I asked who's house where you at. It turns out to be a recently divorced guy who had been working at our friends pool all summer where my wife and 2 kids frequented often and she would go there to workout and swim on her own while I was at work. She said that she was dropping off clothes for his son and didn't think to tell me.

This didn't sit well with me and I searched her phone and found his number under a female's name.

I confronted her and she tells me they are just friends and she knew I wouldn't be ok with her "venting" to him and vice versa about his divorce (this is her second marriage) and they are just good friends and that he is dating and nothing happened, etc.

Since then she has changed her passcode to her phone because she felt that I violated her trust and I also found out that she didn't tell me he goes to crossfit with her, after I bought her a membership for Christmas.

She is cheating or cheated on me 47
They are just friends and I should just let it go 8
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Comments ( 12 )
  • Ms.Dempsy
    8 years ago

    Ooo this a thoughie maybe she know you would think the way you do but you shouldn't have gone through her phone. I don't see why people think it hard for a male and female to be friends without thinking the worst. I don't think none thing is going on.

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    • Soapy_Testicles
      8 years ago

      A married woman should not be spending time alone with a single, straight male. Any husband who allows his wife to do this is just asking for trouble. There are exceptions i.e. the male friend is clearly a homo which changes things.

      If it's a regular, straight male she shouldn't be doing that.

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      • AB1234
        8 years ago

        Soapy!!! What do you mean it's OK if the dude's a "homo"? Suppose the gay guy is kinda bi? How do you know? Maybe he's interested in experimenting. And what about if your girlfriend's female friend is bi or lesbian, but no one knows?

        I'm not trying to argue. I'm really curious. I tend to agree with you, actually, but I just had to ask the question. ;)

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  • VirgilManly
    8 years ago

    Have him dig a hole in your backyard for an in-ground pool.

    Throw the two of them in and start back filling.

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  • thegypsysailor
    8 years ago

    You KNOW, deep down what's going on. She would have been upfront with you about the relationship if it was just a friendship. That said, you had no right to go into her phone. It didn't definitively answer any questions and only made you doubt more.
    The trust is gone now, and unless you are a really wonderful and forgiving person, your marriage is over. She's still denying this affair, but you both know it is happening. Time for you to start making plans for a separation. Perhaps she'll make it easy and move in with this guy and not make her infidelity into a huge ugly thing.
    Good luck.

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    • AB1234
      8 years ago

      So, um... do you mean that "he knows, deep down, what's going on," or, "he knows what's going on deep down"?

      On a serious note, though, I don't buy that he had no right going through her phone. He had EVERY right, if he's married and had suspicions. If he'd confronted her, she likely would have lied. Infidelity is the 21st century national passtime. People are largely cool with a spouse who suspects foul play hiring a private investigator. This dude just cut out the middle-man.

      It's a matter of opinion. I'm totally with him for checking.

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      • thegypsysailor
        8 years ago

        And you would have no problem if the shoe was on the other foot? I wouldn't and couldn't do that to my spouse without permission. Everyone has to have some privacy if they want it.
        I guess it's a good thing we share a phone, huh?

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        • AB1234
          8 years ago

          I totally respect that, Gypsy, yeah. To answer your question, no, I wouldn't have a problem with a serious boyfriend going through my phone if he had significant reason to suspect me of something. That's a concession I make if I'm going to share someone else's life. I mean, if I am being unfaithful, I could jeopardize his health, his finances, his emotional integrity... Why is it I should get to do all that AND lie to suit myself, but I can't get away with doing a fraction of those things in a professional setting or at school without getting fired or expelled?

          Maybe couples should have these conversations from the get-go. Your situation seems to work for you, and I hope you and your partner are very happy for a long time.

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          • thegypsysailor
            8 years ago

            Honestly, if I were ever to get to the point that I distrusted my partner enough to violate her privacy, then I believe the relationship would be over anyway. Without trust, what do you really have?

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  • AB1234
    8 years ago

    Dude, for real? Look, if you're married there shouldn't be any secret codes or clandestine meetings. And if your partner thinks you'd have a problem with her being with another guy but STILL hangs out with that guy, well... Yeah, you have a problem.

    I know most people today would say something to the effect that just because you're married doesn't mean you don't have a private life. But the scenario you're describing is beyond privacy. It's misdirection and duplicity. Sorry, man. No dude's ever cheated on me that I know, because I don't tolerate even the early signs AND I listen to my gut. Life's too short and tough enough as it is to let others--especially those who're supposed to love you--abuse your trust.

    Good luck to you.

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    • Tablist1
      8 years ago

      Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

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  • IMissMary
    8 years ago

    Yes the OBVIOUS is true.

    Time to examine your choices.
    1)Ignore it and let it happen in order to keep the status quo at home. If she is willing to keep in on the down-low.

    2)Get revenge and have a fling or two or three with someone, anyone. Whats good for the goose...

    3)Try to get proof, because you really don't want to believe what is obviously true is indeed true. This way you can buy yourself time and hold on because you are likely to never catch you red handed...ie dick in mouth/cunt.

    4)Divorce her and destroy your home [even though its her fault]. You will most likely loose the home, kids, and most of your income until your kids are adult. Not to mention a emotional long divorce min 1 year due to kids, and the pain the kids will go through.

    5)REDRUM

    6)Come to grips with it and become a Cockold husband, it might be fun.

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