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Was trying to understand a friend that has been sexually abused. A guy. What does rape to do a person exactly? With all due respect by the way!! Absolutely not intending to offend with that question. I just don’t know.
I've never been a victim of male rape, so I can't speak from experience.
As it happens, I recently watched a BBC program about men who have been raped. Some of the things I took from it:
Male rape is believed to be even more under-reported than female rape and few men willingly talk about it. So, just as it's very likely you know a woman who has been the victim of sexual assault or rape, you possibly know more than one guy who has been raped.
Things are changing, but until fairly recently, services set up to help the victims of rape in the UK simply refused to deal with male victims or rape. In their paradigm, men were rapists, not the victims of rape.
What all the men interviewed mentioned is that they felt ashamed because they had not stopped the rape once they understood what was happening. They're men, and men are supposed to be big and strong and tough and in control. If they _really_ didn't want to be raped, they would have fought the guy off, right? Since they didn't, they must have actually wanted to be raped, right? People they talked to about the event often expressed or implied this view, and it caused considerable pain.
A couple of the men raised something that's often mentioned by women who are raped: as they were assaulted, they froze, and were simply unable to resist. This also caused feelings of guilt and inadequacy. (In fact, that's a common, instinctual response when something shocking and possibly life-threatening happens. Lots of people freeze or do incredibly stupid things in fires and other catastrophes.)
Nikkiclaire has gone into some very painful details of how she felt and reacted. Although it has never happened to me, her reactions seem completely understandable to me, and I'm pretty sure the guys in the program would relate.
Only your friend can say how he feels about the event now, and how he's coping with it. If he's a person of faith, your opinions about God might be helpful to him. I know they wouldn't be of any comfort to me. I never respond well when people respond to horrible events with God-guff.
One final point: Nikkiclaire mentions that the rape felt physically pleasurable. Sexual pleasure and orgasm is a purely physiological response, and men can also have an orgasm when raped. This can cause just as much confusion and guilt as it does for women who have an orgasm when they are being raped, and don't understand why that happened.
Im curious. What you watched seems to imply rape is a human condition. I know males drakes routinely rape hens. I watched it. I grew up on a lake. Is it the same for men??
As far as I can tell men feel the same as women. I could have stopped it. I could have bitten there dicks off. But i didnt.
I did say the physical sex felt pleasurable but want i didnt mention is really weird. The pain did too. I felt like i was being punished by god and deserved it. I didnt but thats what it felt like.
Close to 10 guys took turns on me and I also feel like they can come back any day and they are allowed to keep doing it because i am disgusting.
Our bodies do weird, very confusing things at times.
I'm certainly no expert on neurophysiology, and I couldn't say if it was what was going on with you, but I do know that pain causes the release of endorphins, which can not only block pain, but also create a feeling of euphoria.
"Runner's High" is an example of this phenomenon.
Mix an endorphin high with pleasurable genital sensations, and then stir in all the rational and emotional stuff going on in your head, and it's hardly surprising if you were left feeling extremely confused and conflicted.
We all desperately want to believe we're primarily thinking beings and what we do and how we respond to situations is determined by the rational part of our brains. More and more, I'm coming to suspect that a lot of what goes on with us is due to animal-brain stuff, and some is down to even more primitive aspects of our bodies.
Way off-topic, but the weirdest example of that I've come across recently is how people who get fecal transplants (a restocking of their intestinal bacteria from someone with a healthy gut), sometimes find that their food preferences inexplicably change. The implication being that the microbes in our guts somehow encourage us to eat things _they_ find tasty.
What happened to you sounds horrific, and nobody should ever have to go through that and then try to make sense of it afterwards. You survived it physically, and although it has clearly scarred you and continues to affect your life, you appear to be coping at some level. We all deal with the crap that happens to us as best we can, but that's rarely perfectly. Easy for me to say, but it does sound like you might be being a bit hard on yourself.
I am lucky to have the best girlfriend in the world. She has never been raped but whenever i have a time she holds my hand and looks onto my eyes and says it will be fine.
Otherwise. Yeah i am a strong peson. You have to be. Bit i would never want to go through life without her.
I should say. We are both sluts. But we.love each other and sex, obviously isnt love
The only thing I have been able to figure in thinking about a lot of this stuff, and I have met many sexual abuse victims in my addiction recovery group, is that people simply do not know how to process:
‘This happened to me. And there is no absolution as to why it did. I didn’t ask for it. Didn’t invite it. It happened. And I can’t point to any one thing as to why me instead of someone else.’
So someone has to take the blame. That must be how we are programmed. Someone has to be responsible for this pain. And They never feel better by blaming them
All I figure and again, I have no experience or any type of education. Just what I think in my mind might be the reason the victims take it out on themselves
I mean if a person is physically assaukted , blindsided and knocked out, they don’t blame themselves
If someone runs red light and smashing into you driving in the right of way.. they don’t blame themselves
But this is different Obviouskh
Think of it this way:
If someone randomly pulled down *your* pants and bent *you* over some furniture, without *your* consent, and started fucking *you*, all the while causing *you* a great deal of pain and emotional trauma, how would that make *you* feel? Traumatised? Scared? Worthless? Alone? Damaged? Broken? Or a combination of all of these things?
Rape is the lowest of the low and even when the physical scars heal, the emotional scars are still wide open...
I don't speak from experience, but I wouldn't want to inflict pain of that nature on my worst fucking enemy.
I think it is something that would even scare the shit out of a big guy for a second if some crazy drugged out person just lost their mind and made a full intent move
People like to think they know what they would do, but I have heard “I froze” more than once. I have asked this elsewhere. My friend , and this truly is about him, seems to have recurring relationship issues and he told me about this one day . And he says he is better but he told me a lot of what you all have wrote. And I guess it is simply a normal human reaction to trim it inward and victimize your own self as a result of something you didn’t do. A rape victims did Nothing. Even if they were flirtious.. hell When a woman is flirtatious to me that doesn’t mean I have some right to slam her down, hold her down and invade her body because I she decided to kiss me after few drinks. I still know that this is all an agreement and you have to sense willingness. Or it’s a NO GO
But , I have no experience with rape. So when I hear rape victims talk about self loathing.. it must just be some kind of warped coping mechanism, some unfortunate psychological defense to fuel anger or something towards elf because many understandable do not want to have come forward in the open and confess and direct it towards their attacker.
But I just dont know the psychology of it. I am not educated in that type of counciling
Well self loathing gives me control over the event but I use therapeutic techniques to change those thoughts most of the time. But that is the basis for it, for me anyway. Everyone is different. I don't cut or do drugs or anything like that but i hit and punish myself sexually.
Also I developed PTSD, depression, anxiety and was very suicidal after it
I’m a victim of female rape and I’m sure some of the things are the same but for me it caused a lot of shame and guilt and self blame about the situation. It took me a long time to be able to even trust anyone or get close to anyone. I developed a lot of self destructive behaviours that landed me in the hospital a few different times. It was a very shitty experience that changed everything for worse.
Sorry that happened to you. Can i ask how long ago it was. Mine was this summer. I should be over it but I'm not. I still have days like today where I act it out on myself and feel like I probably end up just being a hooker or something to keep reliving it.
I'd rather help other survivors but I am not very good at it.
That worst is when people look at you and assume you wanted it because it felt physically good. You think those people are the rapists that get off on your suffering. You'd be surprised that these are church goers, family men, family women.
They all see you as your next victim and you eant to kill youself instead of them killing you.
So you drink 3 gallons of vodka, take a knife, pray....and slowy slit your wrists.
Then you wake up in a hospital and people poke and prod you until they convice you you have the problem
You stop caring about what you do because everyone knows you are human garbage and unloveable.
You think doctors are getting off when they do the rape kit cause they are. Police look at you like a pathetic liar whore slut.
Wow. I mean, and I can say that this is why I asked. Because I truly don’t know everything that people who have been horribly afflicated by this feel. And I know that probably infuriated them also. I do know that God is actually Good and that it is mankind’s self run riot that leads to all pain and destruction. But I also know that He can heal ALL wounds (ALL). But I am not at all wanting to sound patronizing to a victim of rape as I can tell you that your experience is something I do not know and shouldn’t opine on how one should feel
It makes you think god hates you and is laughing at you cause it felt good to get fucked. It makes you jelly of children. It makes you want to kill youself. It makes you want to be raped again because you feel lime a worthless piece of shit.
It makes you want to fuck a bunch of people and just be a slut because because thats what you are anyway. It makes shower uncontrollably wash your own disgusting filth from your skin and scrub it til you bleed. It makes you hit yourself. It makes you hate even the most kind people and think they have an agenda to fuck you. It makes nothing, feel safe.
You can tell that your puppies kbow something terrible happened to you and believe it or not they will protect and snarl when you feel dirty even if you dont ask them to.
It makes you think you are all alone and that everyones intention is purely based on sex. It makes you question everyone you trust. It makes you feel like a dirty little whore. You don't trust doctors, IIN posters, family. Everyone you look at seems like a rapist, even your girlfriend. It makes you think death is preferable to life and that you are just a piece of human waste that everyone laughs at.
It makes you think that everyone is laughing at you and you are just a disgusting little whore who was put here to be a joke to everyone.
It makes you cry...
I am sorry for your trauma. What is interesting is that I have many of the same symptoms and have never been sexually abused. (I'm an ugly guy with facial scars. Women have always been repulsed by me. Despite the unwarranted animosity I receive from women, I make it a personal challenge to have a good heart. On-line media helps immensely.)
I feel sorry you are sad. Please try to be at peace.
I have never been raped but I can agree with some of what you are saying. Trust no one. Everyone has an agenda. Doctors, IIN posters, family all lie. Hence my name on this site.
The only sane thing you can do is defend yourself from everyone. Expect betrayal. Prepare your retaliation beforehand.