Precarious sex

Hello isitnormal people my name is Floyyd and I would like to know if this is normal okay.

I am 58 years old janitor but when I was a teen the guys would always make fun of me cause I could never get a boner. I was so obsessed that I got an honorary degree in sexaconolology 20 years later.

In the summer of '92 I finally discovered the only thing that gives me a boner is when a gay transvestite male weighing over 288 pounds rubs his body against me while holding an egg from a spoon over his head. To make matters worse, I have had since childhood a soul-shattering fear of egg yolks (after dreaming one ate my penis and waking up without one).

I've tried many things, like putting a picture over the bed at just the right angle so it looks like he's doing it, or putting six or seven eggs on stands all over the room, but it never works. Is it normal being a sexually frustrated janitor? I'm all out of ideas.