Parents yelling and me crying
Ok, so this is going to be a long one... I think...
I cry whenever my parents yell at me. And they yell a lot.
The main problem is my mom, who will just start screaming about anything. Whenever she raises her voice I just cry. As a kid, I used to be able to keep it in, to not just be bawling my eyes out when she's yelling. Now I just freeze and cry. I can't think or breathe and I start to panic. I need to get out. But I can't. Because now she's screaming at me for crying.
I hate myself for crying, I cry almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. After I get out of the situation I usually go to my room, shut the door, sit on the floor and cry until there's nothing to cry about, which can take long since I always feel like there's _something_ to cry about.
I know I'm sensitive but I also know there's more to it than that. When I was about 10 or 11 my parents had bought some salad that had dressing on it. I'm a picky person and I remember I just couldn't eat the dressing, so I tried to scrape it off. My mom saw this and started yelling at me. I started crying as usual, but this time I was able to get myself together to open my mouth and form a whole ass sentence.
"Why are you still yelling at me when you can see that I'm crying?"
I couldn't believe I'd just said that.
"Because if you cry about it, you're less likely to do it again," said my mom.
I was confused about it at first, because nothing seemed to make any sense when you cried, but then it hit me.
They didn't care that I was crying. They WANTED me to cry, as a punishment.
I've always been a "good kid", never really done anything wrong, my mom just looooves yelling. Like today she was yelling at me for not cleaning off the bread crumbs. I haven't eaten bread in weeks. I then tried explaining that to her, but she just said "well you've done it before". So it really doesn't even matter if I've done anything wrong or not, because I've definitely done something wrong in the past and that's alwys a good thing to yell at me about.
But I don't just cry when my parents yell at me.
When I started third grade, we got a new kid in class. He was from Turkey and didn't know anyone beforehand. But two weeks later he gave me the lovely nickname "crying machine".
But that was third grade, I was like nine, so crying wasn't that bad, right?
Well that's not all. At ninth grade (in Finland it's ages 15-16) there was this guy in my class who I loved to argue with. But one day, in the middle of English class we were arguing about something and he raised his voice.
I froze
And trying not to cry I said "why are you yelling at me", in the middle of the class. Everyone heard. I was crying. It wasn't nice.
My parent's yelling at me had made me afraid. Made me think that someone raising their voice was a thing to start crying about.
I don't know if me crying so much is normal, if what they do is okay and if my mom yelling 5 times a day is normal.
Is, all of this, normal?