Obsessed with a girl i barely know

46% Normal
23 Comments

In high school I had a huge crush on this girl who didn't feel the same way about me. She was my only friend during a time where I was going through a lot. My dad had passed away, my broke ass mom got us evicted from our apartment, I was being bullied in school, etc etc. I was really suicidal at the time, and she came out of nowhere one day and was really the only one there for me. We were friends for about a month.

I told her I loved her. I really felt that way. I thought of her non stop. I was borderline obsessed/love drunk/whatever. I obviously didn't think it through, and she told me that we could never be anything. I was heartbroken, of course. We were just kids then.

We never really were the same after that, but we have kept in touch ever since. It has been YEARS. I've been in relationships on and off since then. I have never felt like that again.

Honestly, I still feel the same way about her now as I did then. I just have managed to shove it down, hide it. Whatever. I've been dating my current GF for about 4 years now. I love her too, but it is completely different. I'm going to marry my GF. I hardly talk to this girl from my past. And yet, I feel so strongly for her. I just don't get it. I feel consumed by this girl who I barely know.

How do I accept the fact that I'll never be good enough for either of them?

EDIT: TO MAKE THIS EXTRA CLEAR I'll REPOST THE COMMENT HERE

TLDR: My problem is that (I fell in love with her) in highschool and I still feel the same exact way about her that I did then. I'm in a committed relationship. It is fucking with my head.

Voting Results
46% Normal
Based on 28 votes (13 yes)
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Comments ( 23 )
  • Swordfire
    5 years ago

    Ive never heard of a feeling like this lasting that long, so i would have no idea what to do, but maybe you just need some final closure. Try to get in touch with the girl catch up a bit and hopefully the feeling will dull with time

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    • TheGreatOne23
      5 years ago

      I've already done something like this. The outcome is usually far from closure.

      I have already accepted that we are two different people, and that we are moving apart in life. I just can shake this gut wrenching sort of feeling, like I've come down with the flu.

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    • cinderfloof
      5 years ago

      This. I think you idolize her, but she'll become a person once you reach out to her again. Say thanky you. Give yourself closure.

      You should also let your girlfriend know about your feelings if you haven't already.

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      • TheGreatOne23
        5 years ago

        I agree with you completely in terms of "idolizing her", but it isn't like I don't/didn't know her pretty well to begin with. We were pretty much attached at the hip for about a month, and we would stay up after school and just talk from 3 till midnight some nights.

        My feelings were real and justified then, I just can explain why they are still just as real and justifying now.

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        • cinderfloof
          5 years ago

          Darling, a month isn't long enough to truly know anyone even if you stay up every night and talk. That's insulting to both of you. People are so complex and deep. After a month, even if you take every possible moment to explore the depths of one another, it's only possible to just scratch the surface. I only feel like I can claim to even truly "know" two people and that's because I've been in life-threatening situations with them. It literally takes time to know people. You need to see them when they're happy, sad, terrified, furious, and everything in between. You knew her for a month. She helped you. She disappeared as quickly as she came. You never received closure and thus she remains as an angel figure in your memory.

          Feelings are always real. I wouldn't call any feeling "fake". Why would you still call them justified, though? At the time they were, but justified insinuates that you have a recognizable reason to still feel this way.

          My theory is just that you idolize her. She was your medicine in a time where you struggled, but now she's gone. Instinctively when you face struggles in the present, you want that same comfort which you equate with this girl. You need to separate the two.

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          • TheGreatOne23
            5 years ago

            You are right, of course. A month is barely any time at all. That is what is confusing to me. I wrote the feelings were "justifying" as in, they seem to justify themselves. It's metaphorical language. I meant to say, there is no reason for the feelings I feel today (that I know of). And trust me, there was plenty of "closure" between us, lol. She made sure I knew what was what. Plus, she loves someone else now, and I do too. Like, why the fuck am I still like this?

            Another thing is, I'm not struggling right now. I'm actually in the best place I've been in, in my entire life. I've got money, I'm comfortable, I've got a girlfriend that actually gives a shit about me, I've got a place to live.

            But there it is, in the back of my mind, nibbling away at me. I still get fucking butterflies in my stomach when I think about her! She is still part of my every day. It has been years, and I have moved on as much as I can.

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  • bigbudchonga
    5 years ago

    Sounds like you proposed to your fiance prematurely dude. You can't get over it really. Sometimes love just hurts. Eventually you'll ride it out. If you cut off contact with her then I imagine you'll ride it out quicker.

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  • leggs91200
    5 years ago

    Often times we want to think the best of someone we think we are in love with.
    The problem is that if we spend any amount of time with them, eventually they will say or do something that completely ruins our illusion of who we thought they were.

    Without having seen it, it is easy to keep them on a pedestal like you do for this woman. Make no mistake though, if you really knew her, that illusion of perfection would crumble and you would get that icky feeling inside like your guts are sinking.

    You imagine her to be singing with the angels in heaven but she is more likely donating her time being a sperm bank in the hood.

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    • TheGreatOne23
      5 years ago

      First of all, lol.

      Next: I don't really think she is anything special. She is honestly a total bitch most of the time. She dated my best friend and then told him to kill himself, picked on some autistic girl in my science class, is currently fucking the most chaddy douche she could find, and is a liberal arts student (lol).

      But oh my god could she fucking sing. So, you know, you are partially right.

      I knew she wasn't perfect. That's kind of one of those lovesick tropes that doesn't really make sense unless you are dumb/naive/live in a vacuum.

      I asked the girl out for pizza and she stopped talking to me for a month. You want a judge of character there it is.

      AND yet ... just thinking about her makes me want to die. Lol.

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      • leggs91200
        5 years ago

        Love is not rational.
        The biggest love of my life, stupid as this will sound - it was some teacher's assistant that worked at the grade school I went to. I didn't care that she was 41 and I was 11. Here is what happened -
        I got on the bus after school and realized i forgot something. So I got off the bus, flew my ass down to the class to retrieve it, and on the way back to the bus she said "Bye" and then made an innocent compliment. At that very moment, I was in love. I flirted with her the rest of that year.
        I know the reality is that we could never be an item, partially cause too many differences but to this day I think, "In a perfect world, her and I would be together"
        Three decades later and sometimes she is still in my late night fantasies.

        Your heart may never get completely over this woman. I think the best we can do is face reality. In fantasy though, we can still enjoy the "ideal" image we have of them.

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  • Dian
    3 years ago

    you probably have some form of oedipus complex but towards her. as you never had a mother

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  • McBean
    5 years ago

    You're going to need some counseling to help you with this. In the meantime, here's a link

    https://m.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Girl-You-Love

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    • TheGreatOne23
      5 years ago

      Yeah, I don't have money for counseling lol. There's some good advice in that wiki I feel.

      Seems kind of silly though. I don't know if distance is the solution to all of my problems.

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      • McBean
        5 years ago

        I had this problem once long ago. I just had to accept that relationships change in ways that aren't reversible. It wasn't easy.

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        • TheGreatOne23
          5 years ago

          How long did it last for you? How long till it really sunk in?

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          • McBean
            5 years ago

            Ten years. I was in pretty good shape after 8 months with a new girlfriend. It was very important to get out there and at least socialize with women right away. You need to keep your responsiveness to new situations active. Don't let your interest in other people shut down.

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  • Palestine_Did_Nothing_Wrong
    5 years ago

    Unfortunately, women don’t love guys who are suicidal. It really blows my brains out that it’s true, but there’s nothing we (as men) can do to fix women. To answer your question, it’s normal to fall for someone who gives you attention. The sociatal structure of our species reinforces that fact through every facet of the media.

    It is, however, quite retarded to tell a girl you love her after a month of suicidal messages. You really fucked up this time and there’s most likely no way of ever salvaging your relationship with her. I suggest you stop thrusting your problems and shortcomings upon other people and take responsibility for yourself. Every day you wake up is a great day because you get to experience the emotions and events of life. Best of luck escaping poverty.

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    • TheGreatOne23
      5 years ago

      Lol, okay buddy. The question was more along the lines of "Why do I feel this way?" rather than "How do I win her back?"

      I see something in my story upset you. My apologies.

      Let me clarify what I can. Some women do "love" men who are suicidal. You are flat out wrong about that. They don't love that they are suicidal, that is a separate issue.

      Also, I said we were kids. No shit, it was retarded to do that. But that is how I felt. So I did what I thought was right, and told her about it. Neither of us were mature enough to understand what was happening.

      My problem is that this happened in highschool and I still feel the same exact way about her that I did then. I'm in a committed relationship. It is fucking with my head.

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      • RoseIsabella
        5 years ago

        Maybe you have a special spot in your heart for this chick, because she was there right when you needed someone to care the most?

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        • TheGreatOne23
          5 years ago

          That's a really good point Isabella. That's probably the truth, or as close to the truth as I'm going to get.

          But where does that leave me? Why am I forced to love her, even when I know there is no (real) reason for it?

          Am I just too stubborn to let go or something?

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          • RoseIsabella
            5 years ago

            Well, you can try to challenge your thoughts and feelings about this thing.

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            • TheGreatOne23
              5 years ago

              I've literally moved on to a new relationship, put states in between us, and have done everything in my power to stay away from her online (sans deleting her occasional email about, whatever).

              I'm challenging my thoughts, I assure you.

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