Not sure, what i should do

I had a violent childhood. My father was very violent and an alchoholic, he used to hit my mom, my had an affair with a friend of my father's. Nt sure what happened between them but all I remember is that he would hit us and this uncle would always come to our rescue. Anyway, my father died when I was in highschool.

Not sure what happened to me, I fell in love with someone during my college days. He was a senior and showed affection for a few days, just a few days is what i'd call it. I was naïve and thought it was love.. then he distanced himself said nothing, I got depressed very badly and attached myself to someone who was a big flirt, I just wanted to feel close to someone, feel loved. He used me for sex, money since I got my first job and had money to spend. I kept going back to him despite knowing that he had another gf. Dn't know why I kept doing it. I was so depressed all this time.

I tore myself apart from him when another colleague of mine showed me some affection, was always there for me when I need to cry and needed a shoulder. I didn't love him but apparently he did. He talked to his mom and dad about me and they seemed to have okayed until they got to know that my mom had a relationship. So by that time I was like its ok I have to marry someone and so I gave into him. We did have a lot of sex coz I thought we will get married, he knew about this other guy who used me for money and sex. He was okay. But after his parents said no, he slowly started t distance himself from me. I got hurt so badly that I don't know what love or feelings were anymore.

I got married after meeting my husband through a website. The idea behind getting married was just that he was very good-looking and very sweet to talk to. He is very simple, a very good human being. At times lazy and we have a 4 yr old child now too. I don't work. He works, does everything for us and provides. He is very stressed as his corporation is trying t progress at a very rapid pace and is trying very hard to get to a position. He works weekends and late nights. We have a mortgage and a lot of other expenses. We have a very distant relationship. The things I am discussing here are not something I discuss with him. He is very sweet but seems uninterested if I ever bring anything pertaining to relationships. I have not discussed my pre-marriage relations with him. He does't know about any of it.

We do not have any real love between us, although we pretend love and do not make out at all. Its been 6 yrs together, I hardly remember he ocassions we had sex.

I always feel tired and unhappy, sad and depressed longing for love and touch and feeling that I have always wanted, never ever got. I want to feel emotional love, a connection, I am so lonely.