Normal to kill self after perpetrating statutory rape? (21 / 16-17)

11% Normal
40 Comments

I had a 16 / 17 year-old girlfriend when I was 21. There was 4 and a half years difference between us. I'm English so I grew up with the age of consent at 16. However, my ex was American, meaning that the relationship was statutory rape of a child.

This was 6 years ago. I've asked twice in the years since whether she wants to prosecute, but she has said that she doesn't know what legal action there would be to take and doesn't see herself as a victim of child molestation.

Since I don't want to force her to testify against her will (which would be adding insult to injury) I can only think of suicide as a possible solution.

Is this normal / appropriate?

From reading, I get the impression that some users (like avant-garde?) are pro death penalty / torture for crimes like mine and I understand this. But I want to get a broad sweep of opinion. Thanks.

Voting Results
11% Normal
Based on 47 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 40 )
  • RoseIsabella
    9 years ago | pl

    Sounds like you're just looking for an excuse to hate yourself.

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  • Couman
    9 years ago | pl

    To touch on the legal aspect for a moment, it doesn't matter what nationality your partner was, only where you were at the time. Also, only a minority US states set the age of consent at 18. Quite a few are 16 or 17.

    But more to the point, what the hell, man? She says she doesn't consider her a victim, why can't you believe her? It's commendable that you wouldn't want to make her testify against you, that would indeed be a very stupid course of action. But how do you think she'll feel if she finds out you killed yourself over her?

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  • handsignals
    9 years ago | pl

    Does anyone else understand this?

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    • anti-hero
      9 years ago

      I think he is trying to promote pedophilia but giving the least offensive example and then arguing it down to fucking new borns being okay.

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      • associate
        9 years ago

        No I'm not. I think it was totally unacceptable. I'm just saying what happened. I didn't have sex with/ statutorily rape a newborn. I had sex with / statutorily raped a 16-year-old. I'd feel a Hell of a lot better about myself if a 16-year-old wasn't a child! But they are.

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        • anti-hero
          9 years ago

          Where did it take place?

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          • associate
            9 years ago

            In America - else I wouldn't feel nearly so awful about it.

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  • Avant-Garde
    9 years ago

    I think you may be overacting a bit.

    She consented so it isn't rape unless, there are special conditions that her state attaches to the age of consent. She doesn't feel like prosecuting you, so I really think that you should let it go. If she did press charges, since you are a citizen of England, you would most likely be prosecuted in England. However, since the legal age in England is 16, the case would probably get thrown out. If it is eating at your conscience and causing stress, try meditation. Just be more careful and do your research if you ever decide to do something with someone from another country.

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  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    You are being ridiculous. Yes, it was illegal, but this doesn't make you a pedophile. The age difference wasn't that extreme. Some states legal consent is 16 and personally I think it should be half your age plus 4 or 5. It's even less in most the world, which I don't agree with, but it is.

    I'm probably going to get some criticism for this, but my first girlfriend was 15 when I was 20. We went to school together and she had asked me out. She was definitely more mentally mature than me, but my maturity age at the time was much younger than I was, so people develop maturity at different ages.

    Her parents really liked me too and even though our relationship only lasted about 6 months, we are still good friends today. Looking back I can see that it was illegal, but at the same time I don't think it was immoral because I wasn't taking advantage of her and she had asked me out.

    I think it all depends on the situation. I hate child molesters as much as anybody, but I think there is a huge difference between a child molestation and a few year age gap in a high school relationship.

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  • handsignals
    9 years ago

    ...wait, so you found out that in America the age of consent is 18 and because she's a Yank you think that makes you a Pedo and you want to kill your self over it.
    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/lkrwtf.gif

    That's enough for today I'm outta here...

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  • ScooterNyne
    9 years ago

    It's just an age gap dude. Dont let the law decide what kind of man you are. Im 20 and my girlfriend is 16. We've been together for a year now and its been wonderful. When we first met, yes it was illegal to be together. And I was worried about this too. but 30 years from now whats it gonna matter? You didnt do anything wrong.

    What you should be more worried about is your knee jerk reaction to commit suicide when faced with a delicate but overall manageable situation.

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  • handsignals
    9 years ago

    This is the most fucked up post I've ever seen on this site because I suspect it's real.

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  • GiveMeAFuckingNameAlready!
    9 years ago

    How dare you Nigels come across the pond and assault our yankee women. *lights torch* GET HIM!!!.

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  • iEatZombies_
    9 years ago

    You're being dramatic. You dated a 16 year old when you were 21. Oh well. You grew up and you learned. So did she. You need to move on. She shouldn't hold anything against you anyway.

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  • captblood44
    9 years ago

    do you know this word in england, "DRAMA QUEEN"? repeat after me, "imma bad, bad man. imma bad, bad man. step aside, imma bad, bad man." geez

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  • captblood44
    9 years ago

    i don't get it??? sooooo, you're saying a 16yo in england is a young lady of legal consent and its ok to fuck her, but a 16yo in texas is a child and "She was too young to know precisely what she wanted". however, the AofC is 16 in oklahoma and she would have been a young lady there, too. DUH 16yo do not mature mentally or physically according to lines on a map. if you are contemplating suicide, you should do it because you're stupid and not for this reason.

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  • Anonnet
    9 years ago

    So, in other words, nothing happened.
    Should you kill yourself? No.

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  • Riddler
    9 years ago

    Okay you said statutory. Was it consensual or did your force yourself on the kid? Do they want to testify against you or do her parents want her too? Also you say 16/17 do you mean she just turned 17 when you did this? Also if this was over 6 years ago why is it just now being brought up again? So if she does not want to press charges is she legally required to testify? I thought they were only required if they personally were pressing charges. Clearly you feel very bad about this and you seem to be remorseful.

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    • associate
      9 years ago

      No force whatsoever. I think towards the end of the relationship she was uncomfortable and no longer wanted to be together but felt awkward about addressing the fact. This is why I think it would be right to prosecute it as statutory rape. She was too young to know precisely what she wanted and I think the age difference created a power imbalance, even if neither of us wanted to accept the fact at the time. Generally, things were fun and enthusiastic and very mutual, with the exception of the last few days of being together, in which she was very hot / cold (understandably, because I know in retrospect that she was no longer sure if she wanted to stay together). In those last few days there was one incident in which I feel she acquiesced, rather than truly enthusiastically consented. We were in bed together in our underwear and she told me that just wanted to be held, putting my arms around her, and I slowly escalated things to touching her. I think she probably felt badgered / pressured, but decided not to say anything further as she either didn't want to disappoint me, or simply didn't feel comfortable giving a clear 'no'. On the couple of occasions together when she said 'stop' / 'no' (i.e. she felt things were moving too fast or just was no longer in the mood) I immediately did so. My understanding is that Californian law now says that you always need clear verbal consent before you do anything sexual and I feel that in that one incident above she 'went along with things' rather than being truly enthusiastic, so under revised Californian law, that would possibly meet the criteria for assault, but not under Texan law then or now. Indeed, she's certainly never said that she felt like I assaulted or raped her, but simply that she was uncomfortable by the end of the relationship because she suddenly felt weird about the age difference but didn't know how to address breaking up.

      So, in answer to your question, legally consensual *but for the age* which is probably why she has no interest in prosecuting. I still feel strongly it wasn't right, however, and that the age difference was a bad idea. Her parents knew about the relationship (as did my parents) and didn't seem to mind, which seems weird in retrospect, but the fact that I genuinely liked / cared about their daughter was probably clear. Plus, her one previous partner had been even older than me (in their mid-20s) so maybe I just seemed young in comparison.

      The relationship began when she was 16 and in person sexual stuff started about a week-and-a-half before she turned 17. I'm bringing the matter up because it's been plaguing me every day for the last 4 years and, frankly, it's no way to live. I feel more remorseful about having had sex with someone underage than I can really express. Sadly, I'm fairly sure she would be legally obliged to testify... as said, I'm the one who would be turning myself in, but it's the state that would bring charges.

      In fact, I offered, over email, to turn myself into the police about 2 years back and her reply was:
      "It's nice of you to offer, but you're taking this way, way, waaaaaay too seriously. It's certainly not like you molested a child, and you are making it sound a lot closer to something like that. I'm not even really sure what legal action there would be to take. Don't spend your time dwelling on this or feeling like you owe me anything. Move forward, redirect the negative energy from worrying about this, turn it into positive energy and put it towards something productive. There's nothing left to feel bad about, time has taken care of everything."

      So... basically, she doesn't feel like a victim, or that she was raped / assaulted, but legally she absolutely was because she was underage. I hate the idea of having committed statutory rape and have gotten away scot free, which is why my thoughts have turned to suicide.

      Anyway, hope this massive text dump clarifies the situation.

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      • Riddler
        9 years ago

        Well she doesn't care about it, you did not care at the time and its 6 years later. Unless someone is pressing charges I think it would be better to just forget about it. So you dated her at 17 and how old were you at the time? So your like 29 now?

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        • associate
          9 years ago

          I was 21 (as said, 4 and a half years diff.) and I'm now 27.

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          • Riddler
            9 years ago

            Okay well is anyone actually pushing charges or do you just assume someone is? If you do not think anyone is going to push charges, she does not see it as rape, and its already over between you too what is really the issue here? Do you just feel guilty or is there some reason besides guilt for killing yourself?

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            • associate
              9 years ago

              Just guilt for having committed statutory rape - there's no chance of charges being brought unless I turn myself in (which would probably piss my ex off, since she's long moved on, it seems). I have pretty severe OCD so I don't have much control over how guilty I feel and it's been hourly for the last few years and it's no way to live.

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  • dickwashington
    9 years ago

    it was 6 years ago who cares

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  • associate
    9 years ago

    But I'm sure Couman is right... she'd be really freaked out / disturbed / upset if she found out that I'd killed myself over a relationship that she's long over.

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  • associate
    9 years ago

    It was statutory rape according to her state. It is frustrating to think that in most other places the relationship would have been fine, either because of a AoC at 16 (like in Oklahoma) or a close-in-age exemption of 5 years (like in Florida).

    As said, she has absolutely no interest in pressing charges and doesn't consider herself a victim. She said she thought the relationship was ill-advised, but that I'm taking it way, way, waaaaaaaay too seriously.

    But at the same time 'rape is rape' and if a kid is underage, that's rape. I don't want to get her involved in a legal case that she has absolutely no interest in pursuing though.

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  • poon_jabber
    9 years ago

    don't sweat it. if she doesn't press charges you're home free.

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