Normal to feel what i feel ?

this is long....i dont know what to do anymore, how to deal with this, who to go to. i just keep drowning myself with drugs and alcohol to just function.

i cry almost every day or night once for the past. well i have been doing this for a few years. i just feel like i need to cry to feel something. otherwise, when i am just me, i feel emptiness...i like crying just to feel alive. sometimes my tears form for no reason. That is my worrying thing. There is no real external force. I am supposed to be on my vacation. whether i am happy or sad the mood swings are extremely violent. i dont know what i am supposed to feel. like i can be extremely high and suicidal within minutes.

i also seem oblivious to sarcasm, jokes, empathy...i sometimes dont even respond when my name is called. ppl say im always tense. i do or say rude things without much realization until after it has happened. i am paranoid of everyone, and constantly monitor and reevaluate trust levels with everyone around me....sometimes this hurts ppl or turns them into enemies.

i am also confused about my sexuality. i thought i've always liked girls, but the fact is i am 25 and still virgin. I actually afraid of women. I feel ugly when im around them. In fact i have a very sadistic sexual tendency and misogynistic views.

Now the confusing part ! I appear to have attraction towards other men. i always thought i was straight because i never watched gay porn. since childhood, i get these breathless, butterfly, heart pounding feeling when i see good looking boys and girls. i suppressed and rationalized that i could not be gay....i kept fighting this strange crush like feeling towards same sex.

i thought gay porn was very gross when 2 hairy guys nailing each other.....very gross ! i feel like a women when i fantasize about guys. like very feminem. i very much regret turning down gay guys in high school....could've experimented.

i dont know why, i feel like i need to be linked romantically to an older guy....yet my body keeps telling me to fuck girls (aka addicted to straight porn but not gay porn!)

i am so confused. am i gay ? am i straight? am i transexual ? i feel like i need both sex....but if i am also attracted to guys, shouldn't gay porn be as fun as straight porn ?

anyways....that's it. i have a feeling this sexual identity crisis is causing mood swings and gets me even suicidal and depressed. i want to start relationships but i feel like i can't because my emotional intelligence is so low, and my range of emotion is shallow....empty, aloof, edgy, clean, tense is what others describe me.

does watching attempted murder and other violence and abuse from very young age cause what im going through ? should i see a psychiatrist ? sorry my thoughts are very disorganized i am completely hooked on mary jane.