No girl wants what i want to give in a relationship

I want to tell someone all my flaws, my darkest thoughts, my fears, my insecurities, my volunerabilities, and be accepted. I want to learn of all her dark thoughts, fears, insecurities, volunerabilities, and flaws & accept her. ... But I'm a complete mess. I'm depressed, I think about killing myself everyday, I hate everything except puppies/dogs & maybe a couple other things, I think everyone is selfish and blind, I think I'm an unordinarily shitty human being, I think that nothing makes sense, & that the whole system of human life is a giant fuck you. When I tell someone all those things it's in a manner that seems toxic & unhealthy. It's like I'm trying to suck the life out of her. Honestly I think nobody would take the experience of me doing that poitively. It would seem strange if she did. I feel like I could literally push anyone's true affection away by trying to do that. Sniff it out like a candle. It certainly scared away a girl who had previously felt like she wanted to marry me, someone else who I had great chemistry with, someone else who thought I was brilliant/interesting, & others.

But it's what I want to do and I want to be accepted, admired, & loved in response. I want the process to be what makes them feel those ways and nothing else. Doesn't this seem completely futile? I feel sick with myself whenever I realize I want this. What's funny is that I get a lot of attention from girls because I'm physically attractive, appear to be happy, have goals, adventurous, and have my shit together (going to a top University, have a sense of humor, & friends). But once I start the process it's an instant let down.

I even met a girl who felt all the same ways as I did. I felt connected to her because we both have similar depressing thoughts. But to her it was nothing to bond over. She didn't want me to feel those ways because she was hoping I wasn't secretly like her.

I feel pathetic