My trauma arouses me (only when i am already masturbating?)

Take more time with therapy and counselling. Don't force yourself into a relationship if its going to become sexual. You clearly aren't ready for that yet

Okay this is a horrible situation and hard to know where to start. Firstly the boyfriend who pushed sex on you is a rapist. Apparently people who have been raped as children experience thoughts like what you described as well. You are already in therapy I would speak to your therapist and report that rapist boyfriend of yours. I'd recommend not dating anymore since it seems in your current state you are having issues figuring what your boundaries are. Which is understandable considering your past.

Is it past the statute of limitations? Honestly, your brother is not "the best big brother ever", he is actually a giant pile of shit who belongs in jail. You are a rape and incest survivor! It's not your fault in any way, but you need to abstain from masturbation and dating entirely for now, and concentrate on your therapy for the time being. I also think it would be in your best interest to steer clear of spending any alone time with any guys at this time, especially if the dumb ass is drunk! If some stupid bastard is drunk he can go sleep it off in his own parked car, because it's not your job to rescue some sorry ass muthafucka.

DO NOT SHARE ABOUT YOUR PAST TRAUMA WITH GUYS FOR NOW! YOUR ARE A TARGET FOR PREDATORS! Random new male friends DO NOT need to know about your personal history with regard to being victimized sexually.

There's nothing wrong with being asexual, especially under your circumstances. Please feel free to share my comments with your therapist if you disagree with me in any way whatsoever (or even if you don't), and get back with me on what she says.

Second. This is about your main problem.

Sexual thoughts about incest are NOT wrong. Doing these things might be, but that's you call. But the thoughts are just thoughts. Don't let anyone tell you your thoughts are wrong or bad. Most people who do this are thinking thoughts worse than your wildest imagination.

You might be just aroused by the thought of incest not the actual incest you experienced. When you think these things do you see actual people or just faceless bodies? If you do see people do you actually see your brother, or is it someone else? Many people who admit to incestual thoughts either replace their imaginary "partners" with people they aren't related to but want to have sex with. And most don't even see people they just see either themselves or just parts (no faces).

Frankly, it's unlikely you'll get answers to your questions here. There may be people who have experienced something similar and can relate, but even then, they're not you.

These are serious problems you really need to thrash out with your therapist. Is your therapist aware of all these issues, urges, and events? Clearly, it's something that bothers you greatly, and you should be trying to figure out what's going on during your sessions.

I'm no psychologist, but a couple points struck me.

First, you became aware of sex at a very young age, and the context was of things being done to you by a much older, bigger, and stronger male. Our earliest sexual experiences can create needs and lock us into patterns of behavior that continue for the rest of our lives.

It's a trivial example compared to yours, but one of my earliest memories is of going to a parade, standing on the curb in front of much larger adults, and watching high school cheerleaders in very short skirts marching by in front of bands. I was very aware of their exposed legs and glimpses of their butts, and that has been a thing for me ever since.

Something much more intense happened to you, and it was done by "the best big brother ever". You now know he definitely was not that, but at the time, he was a guy you loved and looked up to. So maybe somewhere deep down in your brain, a connection was made: this is what sex is supposed to be like. And yet there was a lot of internal conflict attached to sex. You should make this guy you admired and loved happy by doing what he wanted; you shouldn't do it because you knew it was inappropriate. You should tell your parents what had happened because you knew it was wrong; you couldn't tell your parents about it because the brother you loved would get in trouble. (And you can be sure he was telling you this - that always happens in such situations.)

Something that many women find extremely disturbing about rape and sexual assault is that they can experience sexual pleasure when something they don't want is done to them. It's a purely physical response. You may not want yet another slice of Aunt Betty's chocolate cake since you're already feeling stuffed, but if she crams it in your mouth, it's still going to taste sweet. Similarly, if the physical stimulation of the clitoris during rape or sexual assault is sufficient to trigger orgasm, it can happen. The woman can then be left wondering if maybe she subconsciously actually wanted to be raped, because she did experience physical pleasure.

I have no idea what your brother did to you, but if you did find it physically pleasurable, this could have increased the internal conflicts you felt.

Lots of people have very specific needs when it comes to sex, and many of us cannot explain why those needs exist. The model that works of me is the idea that, while we all like to believe we're rational human beings and much superior to animals in every way, we are all animals deep-down. Much of life is about the internal battles between our civilized selves, and the animal urges we try to keep under control. Sex is one of those primal needs. If humans weren't hard-wired to want sex, our species would have gone extinct long ago, yet society demands that we keep those urges under tight control, and it says that some things are just not acceptable under any circumstances.

What I read in your post is a description of someone who is in a huge internal battle. Intellectually, you're certain that forced sex and incest is wrong; yet what your brother did to you eroticized incest and forced sex. So thoughts of that push buttons in the deep, animal part of your brain and turn you on physically, but then the rational part of your brain wakes up and starts shrieking, "This is awful! I shouldn't like this! I'm disgusting for thinking about it! It's wrong, wrong, wrong! I'm a terrible person for getting turned-on by this!"

So you hate yourself for having the feelings.

Your descriptions of your relationships with sexual partners seem to me very similar, in that you've somehow ended up with guys who have forced sex on you, and you've hated it. Unfortunately, there are plenty of guys who never take "no" for an answer, but not every man would have behaved as the man you dated and the drunk guy did.

I'm not blaming you for what they did to you, but I do wonder how it is you ended up with those particular guys in situations where they were able to force themselves on you. I have to wonder if, at some level, you knew that those guys were capable of sexually assaulting you, and you set up the conditions which allowed them to do it.

Why, if you really did not want to have sex, did it happen multiple times with the guy you dated? What you write implies that you saw him more than once, and I assume he wasn't raping you on the table of your local pizza place. The implication is that, having already had him force himself on you once and knowing that he refused to use a condom, you again agreed to go somewhere private with him.

It seems to me you have a couple of choices.

You can try to overcome the imprinting you experienced when your brother sexually assaulted and/or raped you, and try to change your sexual preferences to something more vanilla and "normal". From what you say, I suspect you're going to find this difficult. Few people are capable of deliberately altering their sexual preferences.

Alternatively, you can learn to accept that you have these preferences. What your brother did to you was wrong on so many levels, but it happened and it still affects you. You need to deal with the issues surrounding trust, love, and judgement which that created. That's not going to be easy, but learning how to alter your perception of men and people in general is going to be simple compared to shifting those deep-down, animal-brain imprints.

Many women (and some men) feel a need to be sexually dominated. There are lots of reasons for that, and sometimes the roots are in abusive and very painful events. Some people are able to deny those urges and still have positive sexual relationships. Some people end up in relationships that are abusive in every possible way, and they're unable to escape. Others find ways to have those hot-buttons pushed, but in the context of relationships that are very positive, loving, and respectful outside the bedroom.

I doubt if there are many guys the age you are now with sufficient emotional maturity to handle the dichotomy of treating a woman like a slut in the bedroom, and as their equal outside it. But such men do exist, and some of them would be able to listen to the story you've outlined here, accept you as you are and love you for the person you are, give you the kinky stuff you need in the bedroom, and also give you the respect and love you deserve as a human being outside it.

If you know your brother was 17 how do you not know how old you were?

Its normal to be aroused by things you hate, like women kicking men's testicles, causing them immense pain the woman can't even fathom and preventing him from bearing kids, all because of something lesser he did, and the woman thinking he deserves this.

But make sure to tell your therapist about the self harm and maybe find a new one because that is not the way to help with this.

I hope soon you are surrounded with people who live support and encourage you so you feel safe and trusting and nobody hurts you again.

I don't know, similar here;it's probably rooted somewhere in disgust.
Yes,
No,
because we often think of doing things in response to not wanting to do them; and you're probably mentally reliving it in a way where the ending isn't bad,
probably not,
and yes.

My brother and I had sex too. He used to make me blow him every day. I still luv him but i got tf out of there. Run sweety. It is not good for you. But dont ever blame yourself. Guys are animals

Well someone had my little therapeutic speech removed so I will post a shorter less specific one.

You shouldn't feel bad for your thoughts and desires. Thoughts are not wrong, it's the actions we take because of those thoughts that can harm others. For example many people (and if you read some of the posts on this site you will know) walk around all day thinking of killing people. That isn't wrong. Now actually killing people...

So your arousal is not wrong. Your masturbating to it is not wrong. You should not feel the stress and shame you are feeling.

First I would like to ask a few questions. If you don't want to answer feel free not to.

Is your therapist a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or just a therapist? Because there is a difference. Hopefully you are seeing a psychiatrist. But most likely you are seeing a therapist. A psychiatrist is required by law not to discuss your sessions with anyone without your permission. A therapist can do what ever she wants. Also therapists are usually a social worker with a few forty hour classes, usually only about drug and alcohol abuse. They usually have no experience in sexual dysfunction.

Who diagnosed you with severe anxiety, depression and PTSD? Was it your therapist? It should be someone with and actual degree in either psychiatry or psychology.

Also a lot of therapists will want you to do group therapy. You don't have to do this.

Basically, check up on who your telling all your secrets to. Most don't know what their talking about. And if you can find an actual sex therapist there is a website that lists them. They are specialists trained to help people like you.
https://www.aasect.org/referral-directory