My sadistic hatred against jesus and christianity. (story involved)

I grew up in a conservative catholic/protestant house. My father was a strict catholic and my mother a catholic but also dabbled in the odd babtist service here and there. My conversion started early. As early as I can remember I was a devout catholic reciting the rosary everyday to fasting sometimes for two days without food and very little water as I wanted to get close to god.Although we were a Christian house things were never very Christian. My father beat me every now and then but mostly just verbal and psychological abuse on a regular basis( Telling me I’m going to hell, useless, etc). I took comfort in the bible seeing that my life will get better with faith and seeing how the Nazarethen would always walk with me and be there for me. But there was another tool I would use to escape; Roman History. During my Sunday school lessons we would get a history of the catholic church and of course this would touch base on roman history. I became almost obsessed with it from reading all the volumes of Edward Gibbon’s book “The History of the Decline and Fall Of The Roman Empire” to fantasies about me being a consular or legionnaire out on the plains conquering and pillaging the lands. These readings gave me a sense of euphoria and motivation when I needed it. At 16 I joined the military reserves and began to work out and became less interested in roman history but more interested in the military. My situation with my father still remained the same until one day when he pushed me too far about my decision to be in the military in which I threw a glass at him, whipped out my belt that I was wearing, and began to beat him. As he was bleeding and begging for me too stop I began feeling a sense of relieve, ecstasy, and pleasure. At this point my father became fearful of me never laying a hand on me or my mother and spoke in a soft voice instead of his demanding voice from before.After I graduated from high school I desperately wanted to join the French Foreign Legion as I saw myself a sociopath who craved and enjoyed violence and would never function in civilian life and saw war as my home. But this quickly changed and went to university were I’m now in my last year.

Now for my issue. Just recently I began to fell a hatred against Christians. Whenever I would see a figure of Jesus or when I would notice Christians on campus I would get a twitch and my blood would just begin to boil. I have also been having sexual fantasies about tying women up grabbing them and having sex with them under a bleeding cross of Jesus. I don’t want to go back to my violent self because I know how much this hatred and violence has hurt me. I began to seek help from psyches who specialize in sex ed but mainly was wondering if anyone here feels the same hatred that I have against Christians or who have Sadistic tendencies sexually.