My pornography addiction is killing me inside

When I was in elementary school, girls used to make fun of me for various reasons (I was overweight, insecure, and lonely). I didn't have any friends, and I felt like a failure because I didn't have a girlfriend. I was extremely shy around girls (still am) and people have never liked me very much (I tend to be obnoxious, sometimes).

I was probably only about 12 years old when I first discovered pornography, and I started watching it regularly. My daily routine pretty much consisted of going to school, playing video games, eating, and watching porn. I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at a fairly young age, and was taking medication to fight depression (still am).

Flash forward by a couple of years, and by the age of 15 years old I was indulging in more provocative material. I started trying to find content with girls my age, and I unfortunately succeeded. What was worse, I found it difficult to come across exactly what it was that I was looking for, so I made due with content featuring girls that were sometimes slightly older or far younger than me. I would feel extremely guilty afterwards, as it was rather disgusting material. However, I regularly gave in to my cravings because I was sexually frustrated.

By the age of 16 or 17, I got into bestiality. It was easier to find than what I looked for previously, and I felt slightly less guilty after masturbation. Eventually, I became curious enough to experiment with my own dog. This is the part that hurts me the most.

I didn't think it was a big deal at first because she obviously didn't understand what sex was. However, when I was dismissed from school early one day, I was greeted by my hysterical parents telling me that she had drowned. My emotions completely shut down. As time went on, I remembered experimenting with her when I was younger, and began to feel horribly guilty. It wasn't so much the activity itself that made me feel the shame, but rather, I recalled that she would tuck her tail sometimes--possibly out of fear, possibly just out of the instinct to protect her sensitive areas. Regardless, I began to hate myself.

I started cutting when I was still in high school; not just because of the addiction, but also because nobody liked me. I was lonely. I was depressed. I felt as though I wasn't good enough to have friends or a girlfriend. I was punishing myself. Wanting to commit suicide (still am), I have never followed through with it. Partially because I am afraid, partially because of the inconvenience of gathering the means to complete the task.

When I was 18, I met a girl who was 16 (we had the same birthday). She was nice to me, but I wasn't attracted to her. We dated a couple of times--highly emotional times--and became official when she told me that she loved me. Honestly, I loved her too, because other girls were always so mean to me. However, I was not sexually attracted to her, so my pornographic addictions carried on. I cheated on her multiple times, and confessed my guilt to her each time. She chose to forgive me, and I finally stopped giving in to those urges.

I shared everything about my life with her, and we created countless memories. However, I was still sexually frustrated. I would sometimes say mean things to her during our arguments; things that made her insecure. Our four-year relationship finally came to an end when my mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. She didn't like my mom, and refused to visit us at the hospital, so I would fight with her about it. One night, we had a false alarm--I rushed my mother to the hospital in the middle of the night, and thought she was going to die. My girlfriend abandoned me there in my weakest moment, and eventually broke up with me for prioritizing my mother over her. It was a slow, painful, and lonely night. Perhaps I deserved that pain.

I am now 22 years old (just turned), and am haunted by these past events. My mother is constantly screaming in pain, and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I honestly wish I wasn't alive to see this.

Currently, I am succeeding in college, and you could never see how broken I am without knowing me. I have successfully stayed away from sexual material since November 1st, but still suffer from the guilt. I reported the websites I used to visit for containing abusive imagery, but that is not what hurts the most.

What honestly hurts the most is watching my mother deteriorate before my eyes, feeling like it's my fault. I failed to save her, just like I failed to save my dog. This is accompanied by the guilt of experimenting with my dog in the past, unable to know for sure whether I abused her without realizing it. My mind is falling apart.

I can't talk about the sexual things with my psychiatrist, because she would be obligated by law to report me for experimenting with my dog and watching abusive materials.

I also feel guilty for other perverted things I have done in the past--like spreading a girl's nudes when I was younger because I wanted attention.

Another thing that fucks me up is the memory of catching my best friend in the act of cheating on his wife. Unable to live with the guilt of keeping the secret, I told her about it. The whole family never forgave me.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I want to help people, but all I do is hurt them. I want so badly to be a good person, but all I do is make mistakes. I don't deserve to breathe.

I used to tell my girlfriend about my sexual sins, but she's gone now, so I must face these demons alone.

Please help me.