My parents made me feel guilty for having fun

My parents always made me feel guilty for everything.

Videogames were something I really liked, but instead of just not buying them which I would've accepted. They would buy me computer games, but then make me feel guilty for playing them. And they would always talk about it like it was so bad, but still bought me games.

They wouldn't buy me a nintendo, even though they could afford it, and would spend just as much money on other non-essential things for me. Then they finally did, and it was the same thing.

I now have a 13 year old younger sister, and see the same thing with her. For years she wanted an iPhone and they wouldn't get her one. They finally did, but now are constantly battling with her over her usage of it and threatening to take it away.

Just in general I always felt very susceptible to my parents judgement if I would misspeak. My dad's sense of humor is making fun of things that are important to other people, and my mom always tries to drive conversation towards the other person's insecurities or conflicts their facing, but not to offer any sort of help.

I don't trust either of them, but they always claim they have my best interest.

But for example the other night my dad said he wanted to see how things were going and offer some help and advice, because I work as a DJ part time and live at home and am trying to get more gigs. It turned out, he was only trying to discourage me and suggest I go to a temp agency or take some extension classes. And he even ended up yelling at me, because he was frustrated with the answers I was giving to his questions. Some help.

I learned he had a conversation with my mom in private and I spoke with her too, all she said was maybe I should try to do something else in addition to DJing.

Neither of them even thought to ask what my plans were or what I was working on, and my dad refers to my life as "all this" while shaking his hand. They both have and have had the most disparaging view of me once I started deviating from the path they wanted.

I feel like even when I was younger they held resentment for me. They both are very negative people and not open minded. But they live in a fantasy world where their way as right and everything is great. It was a confusing house to grow up in because acting "proper" was always the highest value, not being honest.

When I would cry as a kid they would keep asking me why and I didn't feel I could tell them because I didn't trust them, they would always make me feel guilty no matter what it was.

And then like I found out I am not really, but a few years ago I thought I was trans and came out to my mom, and then she just told my dad, and didn't even tell me that she told him.

I feel like my self image is just so fucked, and their constant change in attitude towards me based on my behavior has made me an attention seeking puppet that I hate.

I literally will take jobs just so I don't feel as insecure when people ask what I'm up to, I am realizing thinking about what I actually want for myself is something I never had an opportunity to start doing as a kid, and now I am 24 and honestly don't even know how to ask that question.

I also am just spoiled I get it, I just don't know how to actually find fulfillment and separate myself from caring so much about what others will think.