My mom annoys me

There have been times when I feel that she's unjustly sided against me. And yes, there's the cliche, "she doesn't understand me."

Everything she does triggers a negative inner reaction in me, especially her shrill voice when she's loud.

Now before you peg me as some idiotic brat, I do have self-awareness and appreciation for everything that she does.

I don't think there's ever been an incident in my life where I've yelled at my mom, or purposefully said something hurtful. I plan to keep it that way.

I know she won't be around forever :(, and that if I'm mean to her, I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I have to make a conscious effort to be cordial to her, because of my negative feelings towards her. I always feel anxious and self-conscious in her presence.

Most of the time, when she's around, I wish she wasn't. That's a shame, because the thought of her actually being gone, gone, is too horrific to think about.

What I think I need to do is get a job, and move out. With autonomy from her, I wouldn't have to worry or resent her making certain decisions for me.

My mother's a wonderful woman. I can tell she tries to be kind and considerate.

In the past several years, due to in-home drama, I isolated myself more, and became detached from my parents.

I've always gone out of my way to be considerate to my mother, so that she knows I love her, but I'm still cold to her, and annoyed by things that she does.

I always suppress the anger when I feel it rising, and the times when I force myself to remember how special she is to me, it goes away.

That doesn't change the issues of our relationship being strained, and my initial annoyance with everything she does.

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Based on 12 votes (10 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • SwickDinging

    You'll probably find that you get on ok with her after you move out.

    Parents are much more palatable when you just see them on Xmas day and a couple of hours on their birthday.

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    • Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, and hoping will happen.

      Some people say that friction builds between parents and children, because children are meant to move away at a certain point.

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    • 309uf2o38yf

      That's sounds awful. I didn't get along with her very well as an adult sharing a kitchen, but there's no way I could go that long without seeing my mom.

      Even her older kids who moved out would visit or call two or three times a week.

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      • SwickDinging

        That sounds nice.

        Unfortunately my mum is a violently abusive alcoholic, so I don't think I could spend anymore time with her than I currently do. Many people have told me to break contact completely but I don't think I could. She's still my mum. I have this idea in my head that she's secretly a nice person who loves me, but I've just never seen that side to her because of the alcohol.

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        • 309uf2o38yf

          I hope she gets clean. Distance is good in abusive situations.

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    • brutus

      Or even more palatable when they are in their graves.

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      • SwickDinging

        Your comment made me laugh, but if you are being serious then I don't find that to be true. No matter how terrible a parent was, when they die you immediately look to any tiny glimmer of hope that they did actually love you and weren't really that bad. It's incorrect, and it just seems that way because of the grief, but it bites you in the ass and makes you feel guilty for hating them even if you were right to do so.

        Them still being alive makes you much more at ease with those feelings.

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        • That's probably true for a lot of people, but when my dad died, I didn't feel guilty for disliking him. I had actually cut him off emotionally at age 11.

          Something he said confirmed my feelings that our relationship was more like one between a boss and an employee, rather than a parent/child relationship rooted in love.

          It went on that way, but later when he became softer, and more often said he loved me, I didn't feel much of anything, except an urge to cringe.

          Any attempts at bonding past age 12 just felt superficial- like pointlessly putting soothing balm on a wound that I had already cauterized on my own long ago.

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          • SwickDinging

            Fair enough. I guess we all grieve differently. I do have a friend who said she felt very free after her mother died (she was abused as a child).

            I think I'm just a really guilt-ridden person. Sometimes when I received abusive drunk phone calls from my mum during school I would feel really guilty for hanging up on her, despite the fact she was just calling to yell horrible insults at me. I guess I'm just really fucked up lol.

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  • IrishPotato

    Said every teenage girl ever.

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  • CountessDouche

    Your mom annoys me too. I'm sick of her shit!

    You answered your own question & provided a solution for yourself. I used to fight all the time with my dad when i was growing up. As an adult, i realize that parents are just people, with their own flaws and toxic behaviors. Moving away did wonders for our relationship, which is great now. Of course, he still drives me crazy from time to time, but now i can accept it & laugh about it & appreciate the good things about him. Once you live apart, hopefully you can have the same thing with your mom.

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  • YoungSavage626

    This is just growing up. That's all.

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  • jack_shephard

    It was too long to give a damn actually so i'm just gonna ask this. what was your age again?

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  • Boojum

    I know it doesn't help, but what you describe if pretty normal. It's a highly unusual to see a family where kids live in blissful harmony with their parents from the moment their born until the day death separates them. But I'm sure you're already aware of that.

    As others have said, you state the solution in your OP. Clearly, you need to put some distance - physical and emotional - between yourself and your parents. Maybe you'll find your mother's company more enjoyable when you don't have to spend so much time with her. It's also possible that a little perspective and more maturity and experience of the world will allow you to see clearly that she really is a pain in the butt. Some people are, and there's no cosmic law that means having a child turns a flawed human being into a saint.

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    • 309uf2o38yf

      It depends on the culture. I'm American and we are expected to separate as young adults.

      My husband's culture expects you to stay with your parents even after marriage. His brothers and their wives get along fine with his parents.

      OP's mom (unfortunately) might just be an irritating person in general. Bless her heart.

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