My girlfriend's problem

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48 Comments

Alright I need to know what to do. Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for about a year. We have had almost no sexual contact, she will not let me even get passed kissing without freaking out at me. She was raped and I get it, it was a horrible think and I am sympathetic to her ecspecially since she got pregnant by it and ended up having a miscarriage. But I think our relationship is going nowhere with how she acts. So I just want to know if they are any ways to deal with her or to work with her to she won't freak out when I try to be intimate. Also it's been 3 years since the rape and miscarriage, I think it's time I should help her get over it. She also won't accept therapy to help her, and As insensitive as it sounds we are both 19 and I am to young to want do deal with this emotional baggage for too much longer. So what should I do to help our relationship.

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38% Normal
Based on 55 votes (21 yes)
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Comments ( 48 )
  • Mando
    11 years ago | pl

    She is not a bad person for what happened to her and not being ready to get help she apparently needs. That said, you are also not bad for deciding whether what she brings to the relationship at this time is what you need and can manage.

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    • Mando
      11 years ago

      I had edited this to suggest you both go for couples counselling to decide on next steps and if she won't go, as she hadn't for her post trauma issues, then go yourself. Guess I didn't save the edit - sorry.

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  • iEatZombies_
    11 years ago

    Letting her be in control of the situation, with a mix of encouragement, understanding, and reminders of your love for her, is sound advice. When someone is raped, they feel powerless and helpless. She needs to realize she's safe with you, not just physically but emotionally.

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  • valisque
    11 years ago

    Since no-one's said this already..

    Dude I sincerely hope you're not staying with her because you feel obligated as to what happened with her. She's not your responsibility so if you do feel the baggage is too much, just drop it all.

    The way i see it, a relationship is a two way thing. if you're putting in all this effort and ain't getting what you want in return, then its not serving its purpose.

    She was raped yes, but if she's just in this to have someone to offload to... you see where I'm going with this.

    You very well may be happier with someone else.

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    • Gravy
      11 years ago

      I kind of said this, but not quite as eloquently. Well said. Good advice.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    There's a huge comment war on this page, and there doesn't need to be. People are just pontificating. I'm actually going to give real advice- what I would do in your situation. The answer is very simple.

    If you're hell bent on staying with her, adjust your expectations. If you really care about her as a person, you can support her, but you can't solve her problems for her. To put it another way: you can dry her tears, but you can't make her stop crying. So if she is still too traumatized to get physically intimate, ultimately thats her problem not yours, either accept it or leave her. Maintaining a relationship for the sole purpose of changing a person is unhealthy and unfair to both of you.

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  • shade_ilmaendu
    11 years ago

    I know therapy isn't for everyone but it helped me a great deal. I had a lot of misconceptions about what happened to me and some fucked up thought patterns and unrealistic ideas about myself after I was raped in the context of an abusive relationship. Kind of in opposition to what Darkoil said I suppose, I am a pretty intelligent individual but was emotionally an idiot, and being able to talk to someone who understands the human mind has helped me sort out so many misconceptions, though I refuse all medication. (I had bad experiences in childhood as well, I think that's why I never learned to cope with this shit and just buried it until it exploded)

    I like the suggestion someone made up above, to let her be completely in control and just explore your body, just so she knows she can be safely intimate with someone. I know it's a lot to handle, but if she's really worth it you'll be patient. Everyone has their own timeline and you can't just rush someone into getting better, hell, I repressed my memories about what happened for years or lied to myself about how willing I was in some circumstances, anything to avoid the truth of the matter. Our minds are a strange place when it comes to how we protect ourselves from trauma, and there's no one right or wrong way to go about it. Everyone just has to find that which works for them, because none of us have anywhere near the same experiences in life. That's why psychology is such a tricky science, you have to take into account every life experience this person has ever had and how it filters their perception of the world around them.

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  • WhiteRabbit
    11 years ago

    I agree with the touch therapy thing above. But another thing is to let her have control. After you work on getting past kissing, and help her being more comfortable. When you decide to be intimate talk to her about this and if she agrees strip down to your underwear and lay down. Let her be fully clothed and just let her touch you and have control of the situation. I think knowing that she would be controlling what would be happening it would help her relax and be more comfortable with going farther. Whether she likes it or not talking is a must for this situation. You need to discuss her feelings and what you can do to make her more comfortable. Like above this will be a long process and with getting sexually assaulted and loosing a baby it will take a-lot longer than a few years to get over this. Also if you decide to do this and only go half way and then just get tired and leave her it will probably destroy her and make her worse. So you need to be sure you want to stay with her before you help.

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  • bemah
    11 years ago

    No dipshit, she can't just get over it! She was raped! If you really care about her, be patient. And don't say your too young to deal with emotional baggage, because your not, trust me, there are people out there who have to deal with far worse shit than this, and they survived.

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    • valisque
      11 years ago

      Cant judge someone by someone else's standards. If a years long enough for him... then a years enough for him. Limits differ. Don't call him a dipshit for it.

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      • bemah
        11 years ago

        Well then, maybe you're right. I guess she'll just find someone better.

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  • Darkoil
    11 years ago

    Therapy won't help. You need to sit down with her and map out a list of milestones to do with sexual contact and then slowly work towards them over time. Hopefully over time she will begin to differentiate the rape against all other sexual contact. The list could be broken down into weeks and every saturday night you could go to the next goal. Something like holding hands, hugging, kissing each others hands or arms, kissing on the lips, neck massage, back massage, seeing each other topless, feeling each others upper bodies including boobs, kissing each others upper bodies including boobs, seeing each other in underwear, full body massage with underwear on, seeing each other completely nude, stroking each others body, touching each others genitals but not stimulating, stimulating each others genitals, oral stimulating each other, sexual intercourse. This may seem like a long process so you have to decide whether she is worth it and remember you have to be completely open about what you are going to do to each other that week because springing something on her out of the blue is not going to help.

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago | pl

      "Therapy won't help"? Therapy helped me a great deal.

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      • Avant-Garde
        11 years ago

        Therapy can help a great deal, but sometimes it doesn't. It depends a lot on the compatibility of the patient and their doctor and the type of doctor they get. Take me for an example. I remember having a female psychiatrist sometime when I a child and she helped a great deal. I cared for that woman and her secretary as if they were family. I felt like I could say anything to her and it would work out. My family was "jealous" with her for some reason, I think it might have been a difference in religion or something like that and they made go see another psychiatrist.

        I can't remember exact order of psychiatrists I saw, but the next one I remember I had him for a very long time. As I got older, I started to see that he wasn't a good psychiatrist. He was a lying pill pushing asshole. I once had a bad almost dangerous reaction to a medication for "anger management". My mother told him about the problems it was causing and how she didn't want me on more medication. He saids he understands, but then when I come in his office he starts bringing up putting me on different medications! I almost blinded myself because of that shit me on!

        Then, many years later (about one or two years ago) when got into an argument about legalizing weed and the benefits from it. I was for it and he was against it. I was clearly winning the debate and he saw this. That pathetic excuse for a man had the gull to accuse me of being a illegal pot smoker and that all my friends were too. He wanted to know where I got the weed from, if my friends sold it to me. That I could tell him the "truth" about me and my friends. I repeatedly told him I didn't smoke it. One of my friends smoked it, but I didn't tell him that because I was worried about what he might do. He stop his accusations until I practically screamed at him.

        Once, he agreed with me that I was Bipolar then when my family came in he turned around and lied to them. He said that he never said that I had it and that I was basically lying.

        Another time, he told me that I didn't really have any friends because I texted them instead of talking on the phone or seeing them in person.

        And Another, he told me that he didn't want to diagnose me as having Aspergers because apparently with Aspergers you don't treat it with medication, you treat it with ACTUAL therapy. I finally stopped seeing that asshole this summer because he refused to refill a prescription for Xanax if I didn't come in to see him for a appointment which would've been about $500 fucking dollars for a thing as simple as that!

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        • VioletTrees
          11 years ago

          My point isn't that therapy always helps. Obviously, it doesn't. But I think that saying therapy won't help as if you (and by "you" I mean Darkoil) know this for a fact, then advising the OP to embark on a plan for a form of therapy with her, despite having no previous experience, that has the potential to make the problem much worse is irresponsible.

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          • Darkoil
            11 years ago

            I spoke incorrectly actually. Therapy does work for some people as long as they are open to the idea of it working and don't understand how it works. Obviously there are different ways therapists work and I am explictly talking about problems which are not created by chemical imbalances in the brain. It's like if I gave someone a placebo it wouldn't work if I told them there and then it was a sugar pill but if they really believe it can help then it probably will to some extent. You are right I am not a psychologist but I have studied quite a bit of this area, one of my aunties is a psychologist and she has talked to me about what kind of stuff they do. Sitting in a room talking is one way to get over a problem, going out there and facing it head on is a better way. Me myself would never need to go to therapy, I know exactly who I am and where I want to be in my life, if something bad happens to me then I usually just dust myself down and move on, life goes on. I was once traumatised back in college after a group of guys put me up against a wall and one had a knife to my throat, I honestly thought he was going to kill me for no reason at all, one of his mates told him to let me go and so I did but after that I was too scared to go through the tunnel where it happened which also ment i had to go a completely longer way around to college, eventually I was so sick of being scared so I just forced myself to walk through the tunnels, on my last day of college I did get into another confrontation just next to the same place but I was past being afraid and I stood up for myself.

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            • Gravy
              11 years ago

              For Pete's sake, give Darkoil a break. His/her words are just as legitimate. And before anyone shoots me down, there are worst things in life than rape. Sooner or later a person has to commit to getting over it and moving on, cold turkey or in mini-steps with or without thepapy. We only get one life and that life does not differentiate if we have had terrible experiences. Were all going to die, happy or unhappy, an individuals choice.
              And the person who got
              into the 19yr old lad fo
              r not wanting to have to deal with this for much longer, you're a fool.

              To the lad, mate, perfectly normal to want this solved or to move on. A 19yr old fella in his prime time not enjoying the exploration of sex with his GF for a year, not normal. God luck to you both, life hasn't been fair to her but you are not responsible for her happiness.

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      • bemah
        11 years ago

        It's great that it worked for you. But i guess it's not for everyone.

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      • Darkoil
        11 years ago

        It's great that it helped you but for the most part therapy is a load of bollocks and a waste of money. Don't take this the wrong way but I've always thought that only people with lesser minds will get anything from it due to them being more open to suggestibility. A common way psychotherapists work is they usually lead the person down the path they want and then trick them into thinking they have made an important discovery on their own, it's a clever, subtle technique.

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        • VioletTrees
          11 years ago

          And what, precisely, is the right way to take that?

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        • bemah
          11 years ago

          Yeah, totally, I agree. No offense to anyone out there who has had help from a therapist. But yeah, despite the fact that therapists work, I'm sure there are many people who have benefited from it. Although, referring to people who don't understand this as "lesser minded" can come off to certain people as offensive.

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          • Darkoil
            11 years ago

            Lol, my bad.

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        • nowhereboy
          11 years ago

          "people with lesser minds"

          Oh my god, did you actually just say that?

          What an ignorant and un-educated comment.

          You really don't know as much as you think you do.

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          • Darkoil
            11 years ago

            It may seem like an un-educated comment and maybe I should of worded it differently and I honestly didn't mean it offensively, it's just people who can't think for themselves are easily lead, it's the entire theory behind suggestibility and when talking about therapy it makes sense. It's cool you don't think some people have lesser minds than others, everyone is equal and all that.

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            • nowhereboy
              11 years ago

              I pride myself In being a guy who thinks for himself. Christ, I have "think for yourself, question authority" tattooed across my chest.

              I was mentally unwell after a drug experience which left me with major anxiety and OCD.

              "a lesser mind" is not how I would describe myself.

              I'm intelligent, creative and know a lot more about how the world and mind work than most people.

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    • Mando
      11 years ago

      I think you're off-base with your dismissive, old-fashioned and mis-informed bias against professional and experienced help.

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      • valisque
        11 years ago

        Does it make a difference? She doesn't wanna go anyways.

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        • Mando
          11 years ago

          It makes a difference because it discredits without evidence and prejudices anyone who reads this (it's a forum) including the OP about getting professional counselling and help.

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    • VioletTrees
      11 years ago

      I can't speak for all survivors, obviously, but if a partner had tried to do that with me three years after I was raped, it would have been disastrous, triggering, and traumatic. You shouldn't push somebody dealing with trauma into intimate contact of any kind. Not ever.

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      • Darkoil
        11 years ago

        It's not pushing if they both sit down and agree to it, I mean there is always the possibility she will say no to the idea but it does sound like she wants to move on with her life. If she was completely shut off to the idea of having sex ever again she probably would not have a boyfriend.

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  • kelili
    11 years ago

    I appreciate that you are honest to say that you are not old enough to deal with this kind of problem and I agree with you. You should encourage her to seek professional help, that's the best you can do to help her with her problems.

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  • manii92
    11 years ago

    What she went through a traumatizing ordeal.. And I agree with you that your young and it's a lot to deal with.. I think you should keep being a great guy and friend.. If you honestly feel like its too much to handle move on.. Stay her friend tho.. Or if you really want it to work you have to deal.. She will come around.. She is just a little messed up

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  • davesumba
    11 years ago

    you sound like a complete dick. respect your girlfriends boundaries, and you don't have to be sexual to get intimate.

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  • BlueJeansWhiteShirt
    11 years ago

    I'm so sorry to say this, it may sound soooo insensitive but it's time she moved on. I have personally been sexually assaulted in the past, although not raped and I had a miscarriage at just 17.
    A year later I was over it. Even without therapy. Yes, it was so bad what happened to her. It's pure evil and I wouldn't wish it on my enemy but why doesn't she realise that you are her lover, not a rapist?! All the women I know who have been raped/sexually assaulted have good relationships with their partners because they know they are there to love and care for them. Not to hurt and rape them. She needs to learn how to tell the difference between people and the feelings that go along with it and people who are evil rapists. It's really not that hard. She should know that you love her!
    I feel like I'm sounding emotionless but it's not normal. It is normal to feel traumatised by a rape, of course, but you shouldn't transfer those feelings onto someone who you clearly knows loves you and has nothing but good intentions.

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    • noid
      11 years ago

      It is normal. Not so normal to get over it as quickly and effortlessly as you did.

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      • BlueJeansWhiteShirt
        11 years ago

        After a year it was time to move on and get on with my life. A year is long enough to get over what I went through.
        I wouldn't say contemplating suicide almost every day is 'effortless' either. But there comes a point in your life where you have to stop, pick yourself up and start living your life again because life is short. I could have easily wasted my life by falling deeper into manic depression but I picked up the pieces and finally got myself together.

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    • seekingcleanfriendship
      11 years ago

      She doesnt have good intentions if she wont have sex with him at 19 out of wedlock? Heck even without the rape thing her decision sounds like good intentions to me.
      Its his motives i question. Like if he impregnates her then what?

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      • BlueJeansWhiteShirt
        11 years ago

        It's called using a condom. Nothing wrong with having sex with someone if you love them, married or not.

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    • Ibelievethis
      11 years ago

      Sorry for your tramatic experience and whilest it is admirable that you did not let this horrible violation take over your life, please be midful that not everyone is as strong. May I ask how the hell do you get over something so horric without therapy. x

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      • BlueJeansWhiteShirt
        11 years ago

        That's true, everyone handles things in different ways.
        I got through it with help from my mum, my friends, the boyfriend I had at the time, a lot of medication and in all honesty, a lot of alcohol.
        I just had the realisation one day that I shouldn't let this consume or define my life. I refuse to give the man who caused all this pain the satisfaction of ruining my entire life.

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    • valisque
      11 years ago

      Amen to this.

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  • greenstone316
    11 years ago

    i think that it is totally normal for her to not want to be in a sexual relationship yet after she was raped, got pregnant, and had a miscarriage. just give her some more time.

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  • kittylitter101
    11 years ago

    She's already scarred, and so young, too. You're right when you say that you don't need to carry around this baggage. Whether you like it or not, she will be dealing with this her whole life. It might take a very long time before she can be in sexual contact with you. It's really just a question as to if you are willing to put the effort into making it work or if you're willing to wait to be intimate with her.

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  • seekingcleanfriendship
    11 years ago

    If you love her not having sex shouldnt be an issue its not like anyone needs it to live.

    You are both 19 and i doubt ready to settle down and have kids , so again sex should not be whats important here.

    She will in time heal from what happened to her but its a very sensitive issue and if you arent mature and caring enough to put her feelings first and getting physical is all that matters to you please just leave her alone shes been hurt enough.

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  • sheat
    11 years ago

    she need to let it go and leave with it and its going to hurt and she's never going to forget about it, but I know that your being patient and that she doesn't want to do anything sexual maybe because she feels not worth it and even with therapy she's not going to change because she fears

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  • --ash--
    11 years ago

    Tell her to put out or get out!

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    • noid
      11 years ago

      Rude.

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