My dad's dying and i'm not that sad
My father has had terminal brain cancer for the past two years. I'm currently living with my mom and helping her take care of him, as he is now bedridden and requires basically the same care as an infant. It deeply saddens me to see any human being experience such a slow, agonizing decline, and I'm especially sad for my mother, who will soon be a widow at 60 after being married to my father for 33 years. The thing is, other than that, I'm not that sad.
In case anybody is wondering, I have experienced nothing remotely close to child abuse, sexual assault, or anything else that would clearly merit a sense of apathy towards my father's death. My dad was a lovely, kind-hearted man who only wanted the best for my brothers and me. I guess the thing is that we just weren't close at all. I tried to keep our relationship cordial, but I always knew deep down that we would never understand each other on a deep level, and long before his diagnosis I learned to be content with that and tried to make that best of it.
Now that he is dying, I certainly feel badly for him, but I also have a sense that after he's gone, my life won't change very much, aside from the extra attention I'll give my mother to support her. I want to know if anyone else felt that way, or if anyone else thinks they would feel that way if one of their parents was dying. I can't figure out whether my feelings are just unusual (but not unreasonable), or if I'm more messed up than I ever imagined.