My boyfriends 10 yr old daughter is working my last nerve

6 Comments

I've been with my boyfriend Almost a year now and 4 months ago I moved in to his place. He has 2 girls (8 & 10) they live with him full time and go to their mom's on weekends. I knew from my own experience that I needed to show the girls that I wasn't going to take their dad away and I wasn't trying to replace their mother. I am not comfortable telling them what to do or disciplining them So I don't. The oldest is my issue right now. She has been allowed to basically run the home, with dad working 12 hr days and taking care of the home somethings have been put on the back burner. Like teaching her to respect him, to share, things like that. So she pretty much thinks she controls the home. In the beginning I stayed in our room only coming out to clean and cook. When they would get home from school I went to the bedroom. Dad was off for the season and now is back to work and I'm done hiding in the bedroom. I feel I have showed her that I am not trying to take anything from her and respect that she is a child transitioning to dad having a live in girlfriend. All I want is her to respect me and recognize that the living room does not belong to her, the t.v. is not just hers in fact it is my t.v and the one on her bedroom is also mine. She got mad when I came out last weekend and said nicely that I would like to watch something. She told her dad and the next morning i was sitting on the sofa and her dad handed her the remote, so I'm pretty sure she went to him to protect her from me saying anything about her choosing whats gonna be on while she gets ready for school. Which is whatever, I get it "The quiet lady" that just cleans and cooks and only speaks when spoken to (by the girls) said something "completely out of line" Who do I think I am? Well I live here now and i want the same respect that I give, I want to be respected as an authoritative figure in the home. I want her share the t.v with me and her sister, God forbid somebody else choose something to watch.
I have spoken to my boyfriend and his mom (who lives just down the block and helped with them til I moved in (not my choice). She says I've done great and tells me I need to be assertive with them and he should back me when my request aren't unreasonable. He says that she is used to it being this way and is scarred that if he enforces these things that he is scarred she will want to live with her mom and because he isn't her bio-dad, he won't have any say in the matter. G-ma & pa both agree that noway will she want to live with her mom and her bf, they fight all the time and it does get physical. Dad has been her stability all her life, You can see the trust and love the girls have for him and I am 99% sure she is testing the situation right now. She so far has seen that if I make her uncomfortable dad will help her and it doesn't matter what I say. Well I'm done picking up after her, whatever mess she makes goes directly to their room. Sleeping in the living room as of tonight is no longer an option and depending on her reaction to me watching t.v this evening I will move the t.v into our bedroom and she can watch the one in her bedroom. I tried asking for help and haven't got any from dad so I'm doing this my way, I would never let my children act the way she does. If he asks her to pick something up her response is "it's not her responsibility and why does it matter.
Maybe I am being too harsh too soon but the saying you show people how to treat you comes to my mind and when it comes to respect whether it be an adult or child I do expect it because I always give it.
She came home from school the other day and I had my coffee table in the living room full of some craft things I was doing and she asks me " Why is this stuff out here?" Really child? She is very smart for her age so don't let the 10 yr old fool you, She has manipulation skills, I see it and witness it, I've been manipulating longer and I am sure that I would win the who's better game. Absolutely I know this delicate situation isn't a game. I feel that if she feels this is the time to test her dad and I's limits then this is the time an adult should be setting those limits. Yes it should be her father but he won't and pretty much refuses too and if I have to live with her I have no problem doing it with in my bounds. She has 2 options if she doesn't like the very few & simple rules I plan on enforcing. She can go to her grandmas or her moms after school til dad gets home and in the summer same thing.
My Question is am I being unreasonable?
1.I want respect
2. Pick up your stuff and put it where it belongs
3. Share the living room and the T.v
4. Sleep in your bedroom at night

Yes you are being unreasonable 2
Its too soon to expect those from a child in transition 4
No you aren't asking too much 18
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Comments ( 6 )
  • charli.m
    9 years ago | pl

    Sounds like he's spoiled them out of guilt.

    Alsp, locking yourself in yiur rokm and igniring the kids is NOT showing them you're not threatening. Its telling them, "I don't want anything to do with you". So why should they feel like you're owed any respect. You should have been building a relationship with them. Children in their own home will ahow respect for people they have a relationship with, who they love and who they know love and care for them.

    I think both you and your boyfriend should do a parenting course. You should have read up on this shit well before you decided to move in. Yes, the kids sound difficult, but you're not helping the situation, and you don't just automatically deserve shit, either. You need to work for it.

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    • jaskab82
      9 years ago

      Thank you for feedback. I need to see things from their point of view too. I can be very self-centered and I appreciate being called out on my bullshit. I have been researching alot on blending families and trying to get perspective on all sides. Before He ever brought me around the girls I stressed my concern with not wanting to make them uncomfortable. I was raised by a single mom who dated alot and her bringing home new boyfriends. I hated it, them and her for not respecting my feelings in this same situation. Again Thank you very much.

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      • charli.m
        9 years ago

        Did you get to know the kids prior to moving in at all?

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        • jaskab82
          9 years ago

          yes and i feel like maybe I came off sounding like I have no communication with them at all, In the beginning I didn't say much because I am very shy to begin with but I would always smile and if we went to a gas station or pick up food I would ask them if they want something. I would try to make small talk by asking if they liked something. I felt like I knew they were guarded because their dad told me how territorial their mom was and it would be easy for their mom to except another woman around her children. I respected and understood where she was coming from. Moving in this soon wasn't the plan. I didn't want to overwhelm them with my presence, Maybe that wasn't the best approach. After about a month or so if their dad wasn't home when they got home from school I would and still do ask if their hungry and offer to make something and they take me up on that and that feels good when they accept my help. In the beginning I didn't mind picking up after them. The sleeping in the living room has always been a peeve of mine b4 this relationship I didn't say anything because i felt it wasn't my place to try to change what they are used to. Then maybe about a month ago feeling confined to the bedroom just really got to me and all the little shit started irritating me and not just her, everybody in my life. Also the pain from losing and not seeing my girls has come to surface more since The "activities" in my life are no longer a distraction from feeling and thinking about them. Me and his mother have been talking more and I expressed all this to her and she told me that I need to think about myself to and what I want and what makes me happy, and if I continually only focus on him and the girls I will lose site of myself and I won't be happy. That made sense to me because I am a people pleaser by nature and I have had to remind myself often that my feelings count. Anyways If they're not preoccupied when they come home I ask how their day was, recently they have asked me to help them with homework and times like that I feel we are moving in a positive direction. After reading your comment I sat back and thought I am probably over-reacting, she is ten and overall she really is a very good kid and I need to chill the f#*6 out, I just need to vent my frustrations, I want someone to say its ok, it's normal but also after I am validated I need brought back down to reality and harsh words does it. Thats why I sincerely thank you for your feedback. I am a very nice person who smiles all the time even when on the inside I maybe screaming or crying. so people are usually afraid to hurt my feelings and would rather let me live in whatever dreamworld I'm living in that day...

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  • zsdworknman
    9 years ago

    Sorry I have a daughter a bit younger than the girls you are dealing with and I think your expectations are somewhat high . They are children while they should know some semblance of respect you shouldn't expect them to act with the same maturity as an adult . Children don't pick up behaviors from nowhere they are learned so make sure you are an example of what you expect from them just a little advice I hope it helps.

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    • jaskab82
      9 years ago

      Yes it does, Thank you i do appreciate all the replies.

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