My best friend raped me and i want to forgive him. is this normal?
Me and my best friend, let's just call him X, were friends for almost a year. I know this is not a time that sounds long but we got super close friends over this time. Throughout our entire friendship I have been and still am in a relationship. X and I met via my boyfriend, who was also best friends with X. The three of us became a close trio and were hanging out quite often. I very quickly noticed that X liked me a bit more than just normal friends. He even later confess to me that he has a crush on me. The three of us just blamed it on the fact that he does not really have much female contact and therefore interprets his feelings for me as having a crush. With time he even said that he was crushing on other girls and got over the silly phase of thinking he might have feelings for me. X truly became my closest friend and I loved him in a certain way. One night when he came to visit me (we live in different cities due to our studies) to go out partying with me and a good female friend. My boyfriend was not there due to him having an exam the next morning. So, my friend, X and me got drunk that night and went out. Nothing weird happened until we got home. We all got ready for bed. I wanted to sleep together with my female friend in bed and already laid down. My body felt so heavy and I just felt super weak. The last thing I remember was my friend sitting next to my bed and X sitting next to me and ranting about the fact that he can not get a girlfriend. Then in the middle of the night, I wake up... I have this weird feeling between my legs, I can not open my eyes and I hear this breathing next to me. After a while of me laying there in confusion, not being able to move, I realized what was happening. X undressed me and was beginning to penetrate me. I was in shock. I did not know what to do. My mind went blank while my body started to experience pleasure, even though my mind hated what was happening. I was just thinking of how it got to here. I still did not open my eyes and was just laying there. Pretending like I was still unconscious. I wanted to stop him. I did not want this. But my body did not correspond. I was just laying there. Doing nothing. Letting him rape me. Everything went black again and I wake up the next morning, fully dressed with him cuddling up to me. I felt like vomiting. This happened already 5 months ago. I feel surprisingly well about it after X and I broke off contact and I confronted him and told my boyfriend about it. Until 3 weeks ago. X contacted me out of the blue again asking how I am feeling. We had a short conversation about how things are. He apologized a lot, the way he did after I confronted him. He asked if there is any way we can be friends again and I told him I am not sure. For 3 weeks we have been regularly chatting and I miss him more and more. We talk in a very lighthearted way. I really miss him and it makes me cry. I want to be friends again with him and I think there is something wrong with me for wanting to forgive him after what happened. I still care about him for some reason and I often regret that I even mentioned the fact that I woke up. I am dealing surprisingly well with it and because of talking about it I lost my best friend and he also lost all his friends.
This is a very long story and I hope you guys will read it. I do not know what to do. Am I normal? Why do I not hate him? Shall I try to see him again and maybe reconnect?