Married with one car

33% Normal

Been married to my spouse for three years. Together for seven. We are now 22/23 years old and on our fifth year of being in the military. When we first moved in together, we were unable to afford another car or insurance. Now it's three years later and spouse still doesn't have a car. This has become a huge imbalance of responsibilities. Spouse is able to drive, but I have been nagging for them to get their license for over a year now. I have to wake up at 6am to drive my spouse to work every day. I work from home (currently). Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. It's getting quite exhausting having to plan my independence around this. And we may be getting out of the military in 5 months. One car just won't cut it in the "real world"! What am I supposed to do? Is it normal?

Voting Results

33% Normal

Based on 12 votes (4 yes)

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Comments ( 10 )

riffraffy

7 years ago

In the modern world, it takes two things to be considered a real adult.

1: Pay your own phone bills.
2: Be willing and able to drive yourself around.

Your relationship will only get better once this mutual respect is reached.

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CountessDouche

7 years ago

Fuck me, man. When I got engaged, my fiancé had seven cars (or 6.5)...and then 8, and I had one...which is 9 (so many fucking cars), but he's a mechanic. Anyways, we're downsizing to one, or two, haha.

Point being, compromise is involved, I think your spouse knows that. If you have an issue you need to discuss it and set forth a plan of action. I'd do your homework, and lay out a plan that illustrates that getting another car is financially feasible. Detail how much time it will save. Figure out what needs to be done to make it happen, and walk him/her through the steps if necessary.

Your spouse might be nervous about driving again (I'm a terribly anxious driver, and the longer I go without driving, the worse I get) or they might not want to deal with all the paperwork or they might honestly not want to deal with the hassle of driving and maintaining their own car. Sometimes people get selfish in a relationship and need a shove in the right direction.

I wouldn't recommend attacking him/her, but make your case, tell them how you feel, lay out a plan for car payments and driving lessons or trips to the DMV together if necessary. It's important to compromise and make each other's lives easier. Your spouse just needs a gentle push. If you really talk things through, that should be enough.

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- Papertrimmings
  
  7 years ago
  
  I had found the perfect car for him. It had a transmission issue but it was a Jeep (like he wanted) and it still ran. $300. We have friends that are mechanics that could have put a new transmission in it. He dragged his feet about it for 5 months (we had the money available) and now I no longer work there. Our relationship needs some reforming. We are seeing individual therapists and a marriage counselor to try and figure things out but with his 60 hour work week, he never has time to do anything else. He's in the military so unless he requests time off he can't do anything. I have opted to take a week for myself to get out of town and clear my head.. He's going to get rides from people while I'm gone. I'm so frustrated.
  
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  - CountessDouche
    
    7 years ago
    
    Wow. It sounds like you guys have some big issues to deal with, and the car thing might just be a symptom of a bigger problem. It's good that you've looked into counseling, and couples counseling, which will probably help you with communication barriers, but it might be difficult getting him to compromise. I've dated people in the military, and for some reason they were all stubborn as fuck, but I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or a military thing.
    
    I wish I could give you the magic formula on how to deal with the situation, but you seem well spoken and intelligent, and I'm sure you've probably communicated your point of view on more than one occasion. Running into problems in relationships is incredibly frustrating, and it can be so hard to get another person to see things from your perspective, which is why the counseling might be a very good thing.
    
    You do sound really fed up, though, which can be a horrible thing when you're trying to address stuff in a calm manner. I think a short break will do some good.
    
    Also- you're lucky you didn't buy a jeep- they are horrible and shittily made and infamous for electrical problems that can't be fixed. I had one- worst car ever- total lemon, so you may have lucked out there.
    
    I hope everything works out for you guys.
    
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    - Papertrimmings
      
      7 years ago
      
      I totally think it's that "never back down" mentality.. But I love him too much to let this put a damper on that. We just need to start taking ACTION, before we are really screwed! We can talk about it all day but until something actually happens because of our talks, I won't be satisfied. He isn't even a bad driver. And if he's nervous he would never tell me. Maybe when I come back from my break he will have gotten his license as a welcome back present.. I'd be so happy!! And even more so, excited for him. Having your own car is so much fun, so liberating. His military complex you -would think- would interfere with that.
      
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      - CountessDouche
        
        7 years ago
        
        You sound like a really good partner, to be honest. You sound really supportive and pretty fucking patient. I wish I could give you better advice.
        
        Maybe you should write him a letter or an e-mail. Sometimes it's easier to express your thoughts in writing- take time to reflect and lay out your point of view without interruption. My partner and I do that sometimes, and it really helps. Sometimes it's hard to put it all out there, and make every point you want to make when you're having a conversational back and forth.
        
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        dude_Jones
        
        7 years ago
        
        Just an aside point related to nervous driving. Don't think about America while you are driving, or you will drift to the wrong side of the road.
        
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Ass_gas

7 years ago

No license? That's lame.

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AnonymousGuy19

7 years ago

It's normal that some guy wants some woman to do something she doesn't want to do and she's doing it. If you don't want to then stop, tell him to man up get a license come together as a husband and a wife to budget your money to get a second car if that's what you both want. Depending on where you live have just one car is normal if you lived in New York City having no car at all is normal. If he doesn't want to wear the pants in your relationship then you had better put them on.

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Ellenna

7 years ago

If he can cope without you driving him while you're away he can cope indefinitely. Stop being his doormat or he'll keep walking all over you. If you don't want to do something then just don't do it

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Married with one car