Married and in love with my best friend

I met my best friend, Jim, twelve years ago. We never told the other how we felt.

Then he went off to medical school and I got married to someone I thought would help me get over him. I still never told Jim how I felt. I tried not to talk to him because I was making an earnest effort to get over him since I knew he had no room for me in his life and I was at a point where I wanted a family. Well, I ended up divorced and eventually Jim and I began talking again.

We were as close as ever but living in different states. We flew to visit each other as often as we could. It was like old times.

Then one day we kissed. He had never kissed me before and it was lovely. Eventually we slept together during one of the visits and it was great but I was scared it was going to ruin our friendship. So, I played it off! (Why, I don’t know.) I knew he was dating random girls and had no time with his internship so I did not want to get myself hurt. I told him we were great friends and that it felt weird sleeping with him after so long. He seemed so comfortable with the transition but made me feel it was just us getting physical and nothing else as well. I was hurt but I went along with the flow for fear of showing how hurt I was and embarrassing myself over what felt like his rejection.

The whole time I acted as a liberated woman who was ok with the set up and had no emotional tie to it. It could not be further from the truth.

The last time I saw him he went out to visit me and we went out with two friends for some drinks around town. I made such a fool of myself. I came off, I am sure, like some drunken sl*tty idiot. I was just so incredibly nervous that I was at a point where my feelings could be transparently visible around people.

He spent the night at my place, we had sex, and the next morning it was as if he ran back to catch the train to his friends. I tried to play it off and told him I could not connect in the sex act because we had been friends for so long. I lied. I had enjoyed it immensely! He was a great lover but I was so scared of his rejection. I was an idiot. He said he had enjoyed it because he “willed it.� I did not understand what he meant by that but it sounded as if he was trying to convince himself to like it. So, with that answer, the vibes, and my insecurity I vowed to cut him out of my life. I did.

A few months later I met a man, married him three months later, and now its been two years and we have a baby. I was running from Jim.
I talked to him only twice during those two years until just last month I contacted him through email again. I have tried so hard to get over him but not a day goes by that he is not on my mind. I miss him so much…but so much has changed: I converted to Islam, I married, and I have a baby.

I cannot forget Jim and if my husband found out I even exchanged emails with him I am sure he would leave me. I have tried to forget him so long...and I don't know why.

Voting Results
60% Normal
Based on 83 votes (50 yes)
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Comments ( 17 )
  • randomjelly

    You could get over him if you would give up the stalking. I feel sorry for your husband...you're using him and I hope he leaves you and meets someone that deserves him.

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  • Dr_Remulak

    You f'd up! You should have stayed with Jim. Deep down its what your heart wants by the way you share your story. I pulled a tarot card for you asking about how you feel in your life right now about your choices and I get a reversed two of wands which means Ignoring problems, stubbornness, selfishness, harsh leadership, prideful, unrealistic expectations, over-ambitious. You think about him all the time I imagine, but it could be too late to go back

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  • Ironbatman

    You are being very horrible to your husband and that baby.

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  • Divorce your husband. You are living a lie!

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  • Jeshua

    Yea nothing gets you over somebody better than a straight rejection first you're embarrassed but you lose a lot of the feelings. Tell him how you feel and tell him to give you a straight answer.

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  • you are a cheating whore..Fuck off!

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  • funkeemonkeee

    please go with jim...thats what you need...do you want to live your life always wondering how much better it would be living with your beloved jim, and besides you dont love this muslim anyhow, Maybe have a coffee with jim and be upfront put it out there and if you get denied you would be better leaving your muslim husband, i believe no one should have to change there beliefs, religion, ways of living etc etc just to be there partner. when your with some one you date them for who they are, not what you make them do!!! btw F*CK ISLAM!!!! AND F*CK MUHAMMAD!!!!

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  • PtownTrailBlazersLuver

    Youre really hurting your husband; and yourself. i mean youre in love with another guy and you cheated on the guy youre with!
    compare life with your bestie as a bf to life now; which do you think would be happier even if thats gets a divorce

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  • richielarry

    It's not weird it's just f*cked up. Stop emailing him or you'll end up hurting a whole load of people.

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  • donalsterrible

    wtf did u convert to islam for?!?!

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    • I was wondering that too?

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  • lurvejazz

    Time will erase everything. Out of sight, out of mind =D
    but i still couldn't understand why,when you love him so much and enjoy everything you'd done with him so much,you wouldn't confess and tell him your true feelings? Does pride matter so much in times like this? Being afraid of rejections results in a barrier, he might be feeling the same way as you do, but your reaction might prove him otherwise... It was a loss.
    But since you had made your choice, get on with it, do not think about him anymore. Just rmb him as your very good friend and carry on with your life, with your family. :)

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  • bomaoneuk

    Youre a married woman with a child. Some decisions in life you just have to stand by. Infatuations are destructive.

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  • noftards

    It sounds like you really can't move on until you resolve things once and for all with this guy. You really need to tell him how you feel. He has slept with you twice now and hasn't found someone else this whole time so he may feel the same way. If not then at least you can move on knowing for sure the truth instead of living with uncertainty, which is a horrible way to live. You may have to give him a bit of time to come to grips with things so don't expect a quick resolution or response from him.

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  • justincase858

    remeber, dont let it play with firepokers until its at least 12

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  • If you don't tell him, your husband will find out soon. It's a really bad situation now that you have a baby. I hope everything works out for you. good luck.

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  • Well as you said youve tried all this time and you cant get over him. You need to tell him and if he rejects you then youll know for sure and you can get on with your life. You never know he might feel the same way he seems to like you enough to take it to the next level. your gonna have to tell him you have no choice

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