Married 25 years + and lonley

Your children are old enough to understand..
Life is too short to waste not happy, go have some fun.

you need to be into what ever his intrest or hobby is like your his best friend .

you need a secret lover.

OK first of all, you're probably very attractive and desirable, so don't go down the path of low-self-esteem and regarding yourself as inadequate; you are more than adequate. You sound fantastic actually. Uh anyway, I'll bet that your husband is experiencing a combination or problems, largely related to aging. He probably has low-T levels that can be treated with hormonal supplements, and there are probably emotional issues he's working through. In any case he needs to 1) see a doctor and get the fluid levels checked, and 2) probably needs to talk through some problems with a professional. None of it has to be serious, but some things aren't obvious without a trained eye to see the patterns.

YOUR problem will be getting him to follow through with this. Coming from you the suggestion to see a doctor will seem like nagging. Guys tend to avoid seeing the doctor. (I finally went after 16 years because I could tell I wasn't feeling right). He should have a male friend kicking his ass into action here. Hopefully he has a trusted friend you could confide this to. Anyway, a simple blood panel will probably reveal something obvious and treatable.

Also the dude needs to kick the ciggies (and cut down on the alcohol - it inhibits things and adds pounds like donuts!)

I wish you luck. Remember, it's not you here. Try to help him out but don't nag him into action. You can nag him AFTER he gets the help he needs (but I'll bet he won't need to be nagged).

Well men's sex drive start slowing down at his age, incidentally that's the time when a women's sex drive really spikes. Maybe get your husband some viagra or go out to some wild parties.

I think you should think divorce through a little more. It can be a huge bomb shell on your kids even if they're old enough. Especially the teenager, as they are prone to depression and such.

I really think the problem lies in your husband. I think he might be depressed, or something. You should definitely convince him to go to a therapist to make sure. We don't want him to do anything rash.

If there is nothing wrong with him, maybe he's just having a mid life crisis, as you mentioned.

If you see no other solution, then carefully ease into the idea of a divorce. For example, just get seperated for a while and see if it works out. If both of you are happier then great. If not, you both should put a little effort into it.

Most important of all, DO NOT CHEAT!!!!!EVER! NO MATTER HOW LONELY YOU ARE, DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR! Good luck to you.

Thanks so much for your comments. I really do appreciate it. It sounds like you are '20 years' earlier in this possible scenario! How I would love to go back 20 years and, yes, knowing what I know now, etc....lol. I guess I would simply say, be true to yourself. If you feel strongly NOW that you may not have a lot in common, even though you love each other, be cautious. Even though the 'love' has gotten us through many years, those years COULD have been so much more (or so I tend to believe but who really knows for sure) intense and less painful at times, had we been more attuned to each other, and shared more interests and done more 'together'. I think I just adapted to doing a lot of things on my own, without my spouse, just because I had no choice. I love him, yes no doubt about that, but the feelings of loneliness was prevalent throughout a lot of those years and still is. People just be got accustomed to seeing me at social functions without my spouse. He has always been somewhat of a lone wolf and prefers his solitude, that's just the way he is and I've grown use to it. Still it doesn't change how those differences between us are now showing themselves, especially now that the kids are gone and we are left staring at each other wondering 'what now?". You are still young and don't underestimate yourself and what you have to give and what you deserve to get in return! I wish you well.

oh dear, atleast u have enjoyed a good period of ur life with ur husband. its been 3 yrs to my marriage n have to lil kids but my husband never kept me happy emotionally. he thinks if hes fulfilling my material needs,thats all wht i should get.theres no love,no hugs n kisses like u talked about and like u its always me whos to take initiative or else hes too bored n dull towards me.i know hes fond of sex but he doesnt enjoy it with me or use me as a toy dunno. he had been cheating on me alot ,lieing n hurting,cant explain wht i had been through .we r also living like room mates or not-too-close-friends, if we eat,go out,watch tv or laugh together,it doesnt give me the feeling of completion/satisfaction of inner myself.i thought alot but cudnt reach to any point and i knw i wil b helpless like this for ever. the feeling u described is the need to b loved by someone u love in a way u wanna b loved or the way u loving him. u expect the same.but some husbands never understand. i knw u have got evrything any woman can ask for but u dont have tht peace of mind and soul with u,u feel hollow and empty spaced which cud b filled by love and only love. i also wanna b loved n spoiled by someone i love deeply,but i u never get everythng u wish for in life and i think atleast I wont get it in this life. i ask God to help u and me both n to give us courage to go through all that and if we cant get wht we cant,atleast we get the power to get over it ,if not for ourselves but for our lovely kids.

thanks( if u cud reach the end of it) :)
goodluck,much love!

Ouch. I don't want this to be me in 20 years. My husband and I are young and it is scary to see some of your words manifested in my own life. Worse still that I know how adamantly against counseling my husband is. I'm seeing a therapist myself and that makes him think all of our problems stem from me but I believe he harbors his own depression as well and I fear I can only do so much for us alone.

Next time, write a shorter explanation because the longer stories don't usually get many responses.

Normal.

Advice:
Let him know that it's a deal-breaker for you.
Tell him exactly what he needs to do in order to make you happy without going into long drawn-out nagging explanations, otherwise you'll lose him in the details: You could do this by writing out list and limit each point to one or two sentences, and only list your top five requirements.
Suggest couples therapy so that if he becomes lost or you start expecting miracles overnight, you have someone to keep you on track and give guidance.

If he's not interested in improving your relationship and is aware that you'll leave him if he's not willing to cooperate, then you should feel free to leave.

Good luck.

It's not an easy thing getting divorced. Your kids are grown now so that's a plus... I have to say I'am happier now than I was when married. I'm lonely still and I get depression at times but I was going crazy being married. 17 years another 6 before we got divorced.Got engaged twice since then and both times it ended but I wouldn't change a thing. Better to love and lost then to never love at all. I know myself now and know what I want. I'm almost 50.See if he'll go to marriage counseling first, if not move out for a while and try it on your own before you ask for a divorce.. Maybe it will open his eyes that you're serious...We as women sometimes spoil our spouse. My ex never had to do a thing except work . He got fed every night I did it all, yard, cleaning,laundry, bills, painting, kids etc.. He played a lot of soccer and worked while I continued to feel trapped...go for it

Marriage counseling. Do everything you can to save your marriage. You have described everything quite well: what you want & what is going on. It couldn't be clearer, or more reasonable, what needs to be done. There is nothing selfish about this on your part at all.

He has got to understand the depth of your despair & loneliness - and that you are not going to spend the rest of your life that way.

And he has also got to be honest and get real about what is going on with him. Because something sure as hell is.

i say just go up to him and do it

have you ever thought about seeing a marriage therapist or counselor? maybe this would help put things in perspective for him or maybe even take a trip without him for a couple of weeks, let him feel what its like to not have you around. there could also be something wrong on his side of the fence. he could possibly feel inadequate or have some other kind of issue going on.

make it shorter.nobody's gonna read all that..