Man with a dildo

It all started when I was a kid. I use to go through my dads things (I lived with him after my parents divorced). Next to his bed he always kept a dildo and I grew very fond of that dildo. At first I did not know what to do with it until I watched daddies porn movies he kept handily in the VCR. On these movies (which he rotated nightly) very large muscular men would molest young fairy men. Many scenes would show them using dildos on these little fairies and they would scream in delight. Soon enough I was acting out the movies with dads dildo and looking for attention I let him catch me one time. Dad beat me and told me never to do that again. He even sent me to a church program for "confused" kids. Basically a gay to straight camp. I was never gay anyway so I graduated with honors. When I returned home though it was only a matter of time before I was back watching his gay porn and using his dildo. After a few years I was to big for him to spank and he had no control over me or the guys I brought home.

Now that I've grown up I find it hard to have relationships. I've had some girlfriends and boyfriends but sexually neither satisfy me. The only way I can really get off is to watching gay porn with my dildo (which I have purchased well over 50 in my adult life time). I'm not gay I just think I got into some stuff when I young that changed me and I'm having trouble being normal.

I'd really like something more like an actual relationship to hang my hat on. Any ideas on what I should do would be appreciated.

Thank you.
Billy B.