Logical thought process in place of emotions?
For quite some time, I haven't felt much of anything. I've had a pretty sucky childhood, and I'm beginning to think it's affected me.
I don't feel anything beyond a vague attachment toward friends, boyfriends, or family. The closest thing I have to feeling is toward my sister, who I don't want to get hurt.
I do things not because I feel like it, but because my logical thoughts tell me that's what should happen. When deciding what to do with my life career wise, I don't care. I just took the suggestions of people around me.
I am severely uncomfortable around displays of emotion, and not just crying. If people start to show things like anger, love, sadness, I don't know what to do and I just start to fidget. I think maybe it's because I feel out of place because if everyone around me is upset by something, they'll see that I'm the only one unaffected.
When I dated my last boyfriend, I didn't do anything because I wanted to, but because I know that it's what always comes next. That's how I operate on a day to day basis.
I don't think I'm depressed. People can make me laugh, and I can pretend to have fun and sometimes, I think I fool myself. But when I look back, I just think that everything I did seemed so fake. I like to keep to myself, and I feel that if people can't discover that there's something missing in me then they don't sederve to know.
This has caused some problems, though, with a friend who says he wants to date me because I don't want to use him as some sort of experiment, which is what happens with me. I go into dates and meetings with the midset "can they draw some sort of emotion out of me so that it isn't so obvious to me that I'm faking it."
I've been told many times that my thought process is f**ked up, and that there is something wrong with me, and I don't know anymore. Because I do think that something is missing. Shouldn't I feel something for people that are close to me?